Highlanders, Horsemen, Remixes & Low Humor
by Gojirob
Summary: From the dim and distant past to the even more dim and distant present, the friends, allies and enemies of Duncan Macleod can thrill us, but they can also make us laugh, just a bit.
1. Comes A Horseman Remixed With

**Comes a Horseman Remixed with… **

**By Rob Morris**

* * *

**Itself**

* * *

(We see Kronos teaching a history class)

K: The history of mankind is one of brutality. But even the supposedly strong delude themselves. We all hang on to some romantic notion. Hitler had his star-charts. Napoleon believed he could actually find romantic love. Alexander wanted to be a philosopher conqueror. Uh-uh. You want to be a bastard, you go through and through. Or else---you go all quiet and teach history.

(Class laughs)

K: Remember always the greatest lesson of them all: Have your damned term papers in by Tuesday!

(Senses buzz)

Methos: (Sarcastically clapping) Good speech, brother. I am impressed.

K: I had a brother, once. But he left me to be a king maker in Rome. Taught me that even wanton cruelty and true freedom can have a hollow ring.

M: Not another loyalty speech (Tsks)

K: Wasted on you, Methos. Good day.

(Methos gets in his face)

M: Cassandra's after me. Be a lamb and make mutton of her for your old brother, hmmm? In exchange, I'll take care of Macleod. He's been a bad influence on you.

K: What have you against Duncan?

M: 1876. The railways. Could have been all mine. Presidents and Kings bowing to me. But the Vanderbilts, Morgans, etc. are all saved from disaster by a Pinkerton with attitude named Duncan Macleod.

K: (Slams his books) The world has changed, Methos! It has no more use for master planners than mounted swordsmen.

M: Your story. Mine is, they need a guiding hand--whether they want one or not. In or out, clock-keeper? Alive or dead?

K: In. Macleod is mine, though. I get to silence his preachy voice. But show Dear Cassandra some mercy; Just take her head; Don't give her any speeches.

(Later, by Kronos' car)

DM: You told me you had been a bastard. But Kronos, this is different.

K: Is it? When he left, I became bored with living. I was Pestilence, and I was in the air they breathed, and in the food they ate. With him back, my life has meaning again. Meaning you cannot comprehend. We ride again.

DM: Then You and I Are Done.

K: Actually, Duncan, I'm surprised we ever started. Now you, and your Yellow Submarine stay out of our way. Have a hoagie or whatever. But if we see you break the surface, we will dive for battle.

DM: Laying the clues on a bit thick, aren't we?

K: Oh, give me a break. He was the planner.

(Later, at the sub base, Duncan takes Methos)

M: MINE IS THE HAND THAT WROTE THE BOOKS OF THE DEAD!!!

DM:(Takes him) Time to write the last chapter.

K: (Sees Cassandra about to take him, after he has taken Silas) Do it.

DM: Cass, NO!

K: No regrets, Duncan. Being around him again merely reminded me--I cannot abide living in your world--and I no longer have the strength to destroy it. Methos' betrayal took too much out of me. Be well, my friend.

(Cass does it; The Q comes and goes)

Cass: (Shakes her head) It brought me no peace, Duncan.

DM: It never does.

* * *

**A Writer/Directors Strike**

* * *

Peter Wingfield : You can't kill me. I know where MacLeod and Cassandra are.

Val Pelka: Oh, is that...so? Welll, its a pity that you don't know where Silas and Caspian are

(Winks at him)

PW: Oh, yeah. I know where they are, too.

Adrian Paul : Did you kill those ten thousand people? Were you death on a horse, and damned good at it?

PW: Damn me, Methos, answer him!

Tracy Scoggins: You know him as Kronos, but he is always Alfred Bester to me---oh, crap.

VP: You're wrong, Cassandra! I've never seen you before in my life---errr, except for the million years you were our slave.

PW: I killed Caspian! I liked Caspian!

AP + VP: That was SILAS!!!

PW: I liked him too.

AP: I tell you, he's leaving these clues to betray us as to their plan

TS: No, Duncan. That's just what The Shadows want us to...not again!

VP: Now, we away to our secret base, full of old Sub-Mariner Comic Books! And-and submarines, too.

AP: I am The End Of Time!

VP: Er, uh--no, you're not. In fact---I claim that title!

PW: Poor little Connor--so naive about the way the world really is.

AP: I'm Duncan.

PW: Well, you're naive, too.

Jim Byrnes : But the Fantastic Four are only a legend!

AP: Cousin Sandra, No! Kronos has paid for his crime---and so has--er---Methos!

TS: NO! He must pay for almost causing the destruction of the last, best hope of...Oh, I give up!

AP: What kind of salad dressing you want, Pete?

PW: A Thousand Islands, Adrian. A Thousand Islands.

VP: Hey, uh, Trace? Adrian, Pete? The SFX guys are on strike, too. We were supposed to make CLANG, CLANG noises while we filmed.

All ( Because the Credits Guy is on strike ):

And here we are, we're The Masters OF The Universe; It won't be long; Fighting Our Survival; We've Come To Use The Pools Of Your World!

END

* * *

**Comes a Horseman Remixed with HL:TS Season 1**

* * *

(Father Darius prays in his church; In walks a familiar enemy)

Kronos: You were my greatest student, little man. You could have been Methos' replacement.

Father Darius: Greetings, Kronos. Even the Scourge Of God is welcome in his House. But please make it a short stay.

K: That depends on you, conqueror. Now, I can wait outside, picking off your visitors as they come and go, or you can step off Holy Ground with me, and have done with it. What say you, Priest?

(Darius whips out his sword, quickly doing an air kata that seems to impress even Kronos)

D: As the young people are wont to say, Let us go for it, then.

(Darius fights like a tiger, but Kronos is Kronos, and takes him. He dumps the body and head back inside the Church, a message to MacLeod that he is back, seeking vengeance for the Old West)

(Later, Horton and his Hunters walk inside, and find Darius. He looks around outside, and sees charring, evidence of a Quickening; His brow furrows)

Horton: One of them--possibly the worst of their lot--got here first. What about Macleod's woman?

Henchman: Mortal.

H: Doesn't stop her from delivering a message for us. Miscegenation—so to speak, and all that.

(Later, aboard Duncan's barge, he and Richie find Tessa's body, her head cut off. Written in her blood are the words: You Are Watched)

Rich: Mac, what the hell are we gonna do?

DM: I need an ally, Rich. I'm sorry. (Stabs Richie to awaken him)

(Later, Kronos has independently found Silas and Caspian, and cornered DM and Rich)

Kronos: I bear you no grudge, boy. But you keep the wrong company. Frontier Justice, Macleod?

DM: One on One, Koren. You know the rules.

K: Actually, I am called Kronos. and I respect those rules--but right now another party is about, killing our kind off-I need your head, MacLeod. Power will see me through this new player, whoever he is.

(Enter Horton and henchmen ; Hidden, we see one of them is Methos, having fed Horton enough rhetoric to get in)

H: That would be me. Imagine this. Three of the Four Horsemen. (Fires, blows heads off Silas and Caspian) Takeaway two. (Somehow, Rich is in position to be primary recipient of their Q's)

K: I like you. You hate our kind--But I like you. There's something so nice about truly pure hate.

H: Believe it or not, I'm glad you approve, Kronos. Of all your kind, at least you have the decency to show your true nature.

K: The same, sir. So do it.

(Kronos has spotted Methos by now, and correctly figured he would gun down Horton's henchmen. The slippery Horton, though, finds the river)

K: Greetings, Brother of Eld!

(Methos stares over to Mac and a shaking Richie; Smiles, aims his automatic at them, then fires at Kronos)

Methos: We Are Not Brothers!

(Kronos finds the river, as well, not even bothering to shout vengeance upon Methos, merely giving him a look that says it all)

DM: If you're here to help, help my friend.

(Richie goes wild, runs off in a frenzy)

DM: Rich!

Methos: Forget him, for now. He's a young man who's lost two dear friends, and gotten two powerful, barbaric Quickenings as his first. He'll be little better than an animal, for a time.

DM: And you are...

M: A very tired, very old man, MacLeod. Come. We're to meet a man named Dawson, and tell him about his brother-in-law's extracurricular activities. He won't take it well. On the one side, we have a group of fanatical Immortal-Haters. On the other, a killing machine who led other killing machines. In case you hadn't guessed, we're in the dead middle of it all.

DM: My wife is dead, and so is the Priest who performed the ceremony. May I at least mourn them, first?

M: Trust me, MacLeod. There is always time later--for regrets.

(At a Marseilles Restaurant, we see that Kronos has regrouped)

Kronos: You are all men whose work I have admired. Together, we can make this world a living, breathing place again, where men who dare rule over all, and the thunder of our hooves are the sound of the devil approaching. What say you?

Kantos: I'll lend my voice to that chorus.

Kalas: I have less of a voice, but my mind is as sharp as ever. These Philistines don't deserve a world of art, anyway.

Kronos: And what of you? Though younger than I, I will relinquish my title of Pestilence to you. For the world still shakes at your name.

(The fourth man puts down his paper; We see it is The Kurgan; Part of his face is gone)

Kurgan: So long as both MacLeod's meet sword point, this kind of thing is why I was born.

Kronos: Then truly, The Four Horsemen Ride Again!

End Season One

* * *

**Slackerdom**

* * *

(We see Methos hurriedly walk into MacLeod's loft; There are pizza boxes everywhere, and Macleod is just munching chips while watching soaps)

Methos: Duncan, its a disaster! Kronos, my old brother-in-arms, is back! He plans to destroy the world!

DM: Hey, Methos? Commercial break, Ok?

(Commercial comes on)

DM: Alright, what's up?

Methos: I just told you! Kronos is forcing me to reassemble the Four Horsemen! Life as we know it is in terrible jeopardy!

DM: Yeah, yeah, Big Eyes, Big Eyes! So why are you here?

Methos: How can you just sit there like that?

(Connor walks in)

Methos: Connor, talk some sense into your kinsman!

CM: Later for you, pal. Duncan---these chips are made FROM jalapenoes!!

DM: Give here!!

(Laughing stupidly, they both sit down and watch more TV; Methos leaves disgustedly, to talk to Joe)

JD: But the Four Horsemen are just a legend.

Methos: Check your tomes, Dawson.

JD: But they're all the way back at my apartment.

M: You live upstairs!

JD: You shouldn't yell at me, Methos. Now we're not friends anymore.

M: AAAARRGHHHH!!!!

Kronos: So you're in full with us, brother?

Methos: Yes! If the MacLeods are just going to sit there eating 'Mrs. Greens Jalapeno Chips' all day, then this world NEEDS a big change.

(Kronos gets a stunned look)

K: You mean to say Duncan MacLeod has some of those new ALL-Jalapeno Chips, and you didn't tell us? Brothers! We ride for Macleod's loft!

(Kronos frees Cassandra, who goes with Silas and Caspian to get beer and pretzels)

Methos: This isn't happening (Cries)

(Back at MacLeod's loft)

K: I don't get it. Who is this guy?

DM: He's Mike. He took over when Joel escaped.

Silas: How late is Domino's open til?

CM: Oh, 3 or 4 am. Order more garlic sauce.

Cass: But what happened to TV's Frank?

Caspian: Torgo from 'Manos, the Hands Of Fate' took him. Good man-goat, that Torgo.

(A knock on the door, DM answers, pizza slice in hand)

DM: Methos! Long time no see.

Methos: I'm here for you, MacLeod!

DM: I'm ready.

Methos: All right, then (Pulls out a list) Duncan, Cappicola, Provolone, and Salami-- Connor, Turkey, Swiss, and Bacon -- Kronos, you had the Ham-Buster, and Cassandra, the Tuna Surprise. Silas and Caspian -- Two large whole sides of roast beef, with two 10-pound jars of mustard and mayonnaise. 435.70$, please.

DM: Guess 'Methos' Sub Shop' is going great guns, huh? What are you taking for that sore throat, old friend?

M: A thousand Sucrets, Macleod. A Thousand Sucrets.

(He leaves, disgusted)

DM: Hah! Sucrets!

K: Yah, what a loser. More Doritos, anyone?

* * *

**Police Squad!**

* * *

HIGHLANDER - IN COLOR

STARRING ADRIAN PAUL AS DET. DUNCAN MACLEOD

(We see DM breaking into a room, there are cops playing poker)

ALSO STARRING CHRISTOPHER LAMBERT

(We see Connor swinging from tree to tree, only to find there is no vine)

Special Guest Star: Stan Kirsch

(Richie falls out the window and into a giant fan blade; DM throws up his arms when the Quickening affects the TV)

TONIGHT'S EPISODE: Narrator: Comes A Horseman (On Screen: Kronos Strikes)

DM: I was investigating several dead bodies found at the local cemetery when I got a call to go to 35B East Riverside. As usual, Connor was already there.

CM: (Holds up severed head) Hey, Duncan, whaddya make of this?

DM: Oh, a planter, a nut tray, I dunno.

CM: Nah. More of an umbrella stand. So what do you think happened?

DM: I'd stake my reputation that this man was murdered--and pretty recently, at that.

CM: My thoughts exactly. Now, let's say we interrogate the suspect.

DM: Ok.

C+DM: We interrogate the suspect.

DM: The suspect's name was Methos. He was an old guy. So old he knew just who put the bomp in the bomp-a-bomp-abomp.

Methos: I tell yez, I didn't do it! Me, I'm outta the game.

Cassandra: He's loing, Duncan! He was there! Back 3000 years ago, he was one of da Horsemen! They treated me horribly!

DM: Just what did he do?

Cass: We went out, and then he never called back.

(DM strangles Methos)

DM: You unspeakable cad!

CM: (To Cass) Cigarette?

Cass: Yes, it is.

Desk Sgt: Hey, Dunc! Amanda on Line 2!

DM: (Still strangling Methos) Tell her I'm not here.

CM: Hey, Duncan! Don't you think you've done enough to this guy?

DM: (Walks away) You're right.

CM: (Starts strangling Methos) All right you, talk!

Meth: Ackk!!Gagarggh! Plsiejhhnhackkk!!

DM: You shoulda said that earlier, and we woudna gone so rough on ya.

DM: (We see his car driving backwards) I decided to head on down to the submarine base, using Methos tip. Along the way, I stopped at Joe's, to see what he knew.

JD: Sorry, Macleod. But the Four Horsemen are only a legend.

(Mac slips him 20)

JD: (Whispering) Kronos is planning to erase all written copies of Stephen King's The Stand, so only the ABC Miniseries will be known.

(DM leaves, the President enters)

Clinton: What does Starr have on me?

JD: Sir! Who knows?

(Another 20)

JD: He has BUBCUS!!! But you have to give him a way to exit gracefully.

(Down at the submarine base, Kronos has been stopped)

DM: Well, I guess you'll have to plot to destroy the world from Statesville Prison!

Kronos: Methos, brother! How could you betray me?

Meth (Holding Cass) Because, my brudder, I loves this little girl, and she even forgave me once I explained how you ditched her phone number.

Cass: Oh, Methie!

Kronos: Oh, my plans are ruined! Who ever heard of gangs or plots in a prison?

DM: Well, I guess it just goes to show you, Kronos...the best laid plans of Mice and Horsemen often go astray!

(For some reason, all except Kronos laugh; They freeze; Kronos escapes, but can't get out of the scene)

Kronos: Hey!!! Anyone!!!

(No matter which way he runs, as the credits roll, he is still trapped)

Narrator: Highlander is a Rysher/Davis Production

Kronos (Screaming) I'M STUCK OUTSIDE OF TIME!!!!!!

**The Muppet Show**  
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Kermit: IT'S THE MUPPET SHOW! WITH OUR VRY SPECIAL GUESTS --- THE FOUR HORSEMEN OF THE APOCALYPSE-----YAAAAAAAYYYYYY!!!!!

(They sing their intro; We see K, M, S, and C posing with giant monsters like Sweetums)

Kermit: Well, everyone, we've got a great show, so let's go to our first number...

(Fozzie comes out)

Fozzie: Kermit---problem!

Kermit: What's the problem, Fozzie?

Fozzie: Toucan Macloud is hunting The Horsemen!

Kermit: WOW! Duncan MacLeod is here?

Fozzie: No, no. Not Duncan MacLeod. This guy is...

(We see a kiwi-looking Muppet walk out, wearing a Scottish Kilt)

TM: AH AM TOUCAN MACLOUD OF THE CLAN MACLOUD!

Kermit: (Rubbing the side of his head) Yeah, you sure are! Uh, why are you here?

TM: OCH, AH SHOOD THEENK IT WOOLD BE OBVIOUS, LAD! AH SEEK THE FOUR HORSEMEN! OUR GAME IS NOT YET DONE!

(For some reason, Kronos and the others hide backstage)

Methos: Fozzie, help us! Toucan Macloud has seeked us all over the world!

Kronos: He mustn't find us.

Fozzie: Uh, guys? He scares me!

Caspian: Well, of course. You'd have to be a maniac not to be scared of THAT psycho.

Silas: Wait! He seeks The Four Horsemen!---But not The Four-----

(On stage)

TM: OCH, FROGGIE!!! I SAY YEW ARE HIDING THE HORSEMEN, BUT I MUST SEEK THEM! THEY ARE BACKSTAGE!!

(Fozzie gives the AOK to Kermit)

Kermit: Oh, no they're not. Here, let's see!

Fozzie: Psst! Kermit!! Read this.

Kerm: And now, it is my great pleasure to present...The Four.....

TM: AH KNEW IT!!!

Kerm: The Four Seasons!!YAAAYY!!!

(With early 60's hairdos are The Four Horsemen; Kronos is Frankie Valli)

K: There ain't no good in our goodbyein'

M: True Love Takes A Lot Of Tryin'

S: Oooh, I'm Cryin...

C: (Guitar Licks)

All: Let's Hang On; To What We Got; Don't Let It Go Girl We Got A Lot; Got a Lot Of love Between Us; So Hang On; To What We Got

(Song ends, applause)

(Toucan Macloud goes up to Sam The Eagle)

TM: I SEEK THE FOUR HORSEMEN, YA GREAT BIRDIE!

Sam: I assure you, Sir, that the Four Horsemen are only a myth!

TM: NAE TA ME THEY'RE NOT! COME OUT, BOYS! OLLY-OLLY OXEN FREE!!!

Sam: Oh, you mustn't say that, here.

TM: AN WHY NOT!!!?

(Casually, a group of muppet oxen trample Toucan Macloud, while Sam watches)

Sam: (Looking down) It's just generally not a good idea.

Oxen Muppet: Yeah, Sam, what's up?

Sam: Oh, nothing Ollie.

Ollie Oxen: False alarm, gang. Everybody back.

TM: NOT AGAIN!!!!

(Yes, again)

(We see Silas and Caspian sitting in Statler and Waldorf's Box)

Silas: Those two old men were mean!!

Caspian: Yeah, shouldn't have said those things to Fozzie.

Fozzie (From Onstage): Hey, fellas? I don't think that balcony is going to support your...

(Balcony collapses)

F: Weight.

Methos: Sorry, Fozzie. I had to let them do that when Oscar wouldn't let them near his garbage can.

Toucan Macloud: OCH, I HAVE CORNERED YEW HORSEMEN, AND NOW I SHALL HAVE YUIR HEADS!!!

Kronos: Horrors!!!

(Cassandra bursts in and rushes at Toucan Macloud)

Cass: Stay back, Toucan! They are mine, and our business is not yet done.

TM: OH, GO AWAY YA GREAT COW!!

Cass: (Fuming) A cow, am I? HIYYYYIAAAAAA!!!

(Takes his head off with a karate chop)

Kermit: Well, that's the end of our time!!!

Next: Immortals Hospital: The Continuing Stoooorrryy of a Quack--Who's Gone to the Head.

Then: Horsemen In SPaaaaaacccee!!!!

* * *

**Clan Denial**

* * *

(We see Cassandra going for Methos' throat)

Methos: I don't know you!

Cass: He's lying!

(Pushes DM away; They fight)

Richie Ryan: What the hell is going on here?

Cass: Stay out of this, Richie!

Meth: Yes, this is not your fight!

RR: Yeah? Well, I'm makin it mine! Now you two crazy kids make up. Now!

C+M: I'imm I'm sos-sorry.

RR: All righty, then. Methos, you tell Kronos you're in with him. We'll need an inside man.

DM: Can I come, Richie?

RR: No. I don't want you going anywhere near Kronos---understood?

DM: Darn.

RR: (Scoops up Cassandra) You're mine, beautiful!

Cass: Oh, my Lord and Master!

Meth: She used to call me that.

(THE VILLAINS HIDEOUT!!!)

Kronos: NOOO!!! Richie Ryan has returned to town? Blast his heroic hide!!

1983

Kronos: NONE of you kiddies is getting in to see 'Return Of The Jedi'! Luke and Leia are....owwww!!

(Richie kicks Kronos down there)

RR: Out with you, ya dumb creep!

(Throws Kronos out, into the mud)

(Silas and Caspian shake, looking a little like Bulk and Skull)

S+C: Lets get outta here!!!

The Present

Silas: Say, how were we in that? You hadn't found us back then.

Caspian: And just what was that big secret about Luke and Leia?

(Kronos whispers it to him)

Caspian: YUCCKK!! But they kissed and everything.

(The final battle comes and goes, and Richie stands victorious)

RR: Then Its Time For A New Beginning!!!

(He stops; Lowers his sword, and helps Kronos up)

SK: Hi, folks. I'm Stan Kirsch, and I'm an actor.

VP: My name is Valentine Pelka. We did this parody for a reason.

AP: At the end of Season 5, Stan decided to leave the show, with no hard feelings, as demonstrated by his appearance in the final episode.

Tracy Scoggins: Being part of another highly popular, wildly inconsistent syndicated sci-fi show, I can tell you that characters departing is good for the show's health, no matter the pain it causes. Except for that 'John Goodman has been dead for the past year' thing on Roseanne. That sucked.

All: Yeah, yeah, that that was no good.

SK: So, to Clan Denial--let it go. I'll be taking over the lead in 'Footloose' this fall on Broadway, and really can't afford to answer any more e-mail.

William Shatner: Get a Life, Will Ya?

All: Well said!!!

VP: Oh, and in case you're wondering why Silas and Caspian didn't speak up--well, they're not actors, and they really are stupid and crazy.

Silas: Kronos has joined with Ryan!!

Caspian: Traitor!!!

S+C: We Better Get Outta Here!! AAAAHHHHHH!!!!

SK: Yes, they are!

* * *

**Forever Knight**

* * *

Teaser: (We see Lacroix talking on his radio show )

Lacroix: That, my children, was the remarkable Mister William Joel. For so young a man, he has life's experiences well pegged. Although, I, myself, tend to avoid Italian restaurants. But he was correct: We all do have a face that we hide away forever. What does your Stranger look like?

(Hands burst through the studio window, and drag Lacroix out )

(Intro... He was brought over in....etc. )

(Outside, we see a bottle of wine-that-isn't being splashed in Lacroix's face )

Kronos: (As a vampire, natch ) Hello, my brother. Air has returned to reclaim its Fire.

Lacroix: (Trying but failing to look nonplussed) Kronos, my brother of old. I am pleased to see you alive.

Kronos: I wouldn't be, if you hadn't destroyed that Little Crusader for me. You--did destroy him, didn't you? Because, on the off chance you didn't, I would be obliged to destroy you. Perhaps I ought to give you a few hours, to make sure of certain---Knightly matters.  
-----------------------------------------------

(Of course Lacroix doesn't destroy Nick )

Nick: You told me The Four Elements were nothing but a myth.

Lacroix: As with all myths, Nicholas, there is a basis in reality. The only part you never really knew before was Kronos' part in your re-creation.

Nick: (Clearly disgusted ) I've never had any illusions about you. But self-interest has been your main guide. Now you tell me stories of whole kingdoms laid waste. Places that once left our kind alone. The First Rule , You Told Me, was never to draw attention to what we are.

Lacroix: No, my son. The First Rule Is Survival.

Nick: And you disregarded even that.

Lacroix: I disregarded mere survival for life. When has mere survival ever been enough, for anyone besides yourself? I was Fire, Nicholas, Fire From The Skies, and at my whim, The World Was Lead To Burn! Ten thousand throats, all bearing my mark. Ten thousand bodies, drained of every drop. Not a one brought over.

Nicholas: Because of my efforts to become more human, I can now go an hour in the sun. Natalie, as my 'daughter' shares that trait. That gives us an hour to hunt you and Kronos when you can't run.

Lacroix (Smiling ): It was those efforts to become more human that destroyed my mad daughter, after all. Be well, Nicholas, my son.

Nick: I'm no son of yours. You and I, we're done.

Lacroix: You and I, Nicholas--we're never done.

* * *

Kronos: So simple a task, Licinius. But you failed. (Yells In His Face ) Give me a VERY COMPELLING reason why I shouldn't destroy you.

Lacroix: I'll give you two. I know where Silas And Caspian are.

Kronos: You jest. Without us, surely some sharpened stick found them long ago.

Lacroix: Wrong. Caspian enjoys the hospitality of an Alberta madhouse. Silas works the mines up by the Arctic Circle. Want to find them?

Kronos: With them--and you at my side, Lacroix, then Chernobyl Squared moves into high gear. Imagine this whole wide land--and no sun to drive us into hiding. Those Yank-built broilers blow up rather easily, you know.

Lacroix: Nuclear Winter. I approve, of course. I will come up with an apropos method of approach.

Kronos: The Four Elements will once again transact the business of the hidden world!

* * *

(Nick and Nat find what was the Elements' lair )

Nat: (Sees message drawn in blood ) California Dreamin'? Is that Nutburger's idea of a joke?

Nick: Maybe, maybe not. 'All The Leaves Are Brown, And The Sky Is Gray'. No sunlight.

Nat: How would he accomplish such a thing? Wait, don't answer that.

Nick: He's either leaving us clues--or setting up a trap. Either way---we go after them.

(Scene closes as Nick takes note of the 'radiation hazard' symbol drawn below. )

* * *

**Cyberpunk**

* * *

(All our characters sport Dominion-type eyewear, their link to cyberspace)

DM: (Talking to Joe's Holo-Image) So you've lost the entire Watcher base?

JD: Yeah, but it was random. Somebody's put an awful lot of lines into this program, Mac. Any locks on this viral-type?

DM: Joe, I got feelers out so far, I'm close to crashing my wetware net. Wait....its Rich in Silcvalley---an old enemy of mine---an outlaw hacker named Melvin Koren. Remember the UE fooddrop of 2037? The one filled with that inert grain? His doing. His specialty. Wait... Viral-type has a label--- Cahrev 68 --- Got anything? br

JD: Cahrev 68 is a myth, DMac. A group of hypernerds went Billy when the two hit the three zeroes. Gosp-John Reference to Final Deletion.

Cass: (Comes online) DMac, please cease search for FalseKoren TrueKronos. JDaws, CahRev 68 is no myth. Ask its programmer. Ask Methadam. Former and potential mass wetware deleter.

DM:Methadam, query on Cassaccuse massdeleter?

Methos (Appears) There were deletions. There were many deletions. There still are.

DM: Query delete total?

Methos: 10K. Negative ID on Cassvox. No file found.

Cass: Misinformed. Suggest searchfile.

(No response from Methos)

DM: Methadam---forget you know this address.

(Later)

Kronos: CahRev 68 is armed, cybrother. Fully defensible. DMac delete Y/N?

Methos: N

Kronos: Methadam prepare for purgative power surge. Total memory wipe.

Methos: Timelord query? Delete all? Delete adresses, Cy-Brute and Cas-Purge?

Kronos: If not misinformed, Ancient Destroyers surf once more. We will retain current tech-level. Rest of mundanity reduced to era of 56K Modem

DM: Jdaws and Cassvox, have audaccess to confab Timelord/Methadam.

Cass: Misinformed. ROM-erasure scenario.

DM: Affirmative. It just won't be my ROM..!111!!!!!!

(In 1998, Mac removes VR helmet; Beside him is the programmer from 'The Tower')

Prog: Did I get it right, Mister Macleod?

DM: (Shakes his head) Kid, find some other way to repay your debt to me. (Staggers out)

(Kid goes to hit delete, electric shock roasts him; A voice comes from the speakers)

Kronos' Voice: Ah-Ah! Don't touch that dial!! All right, its time for some DoomQuake Deathmatches. See you round, DMac!

(Laughter)

* * *

**Dark Endings **

1

(We see Joe and Methos attending the funerals of DM and Cass)

Joe: You got Kronos, right?

Meth: He's gone.

Joe: Good riddance.

(They drive away)

Joe: You know, I still haven't been able to contact Richie or Connor.

Methos: No, and I rather expect that you never shall. (Stabs Joe and pushes him out the car, by a mountainside)

(Later)

Adam Pierson: As the Watchers' new leader, I shall grant the best example possible--by remaining out of sight. Always remember--getting involved with your Immortal charges can be fatal. Just ask poor Joe.

* * *

2

(DM and Kronos fight, K trips over something; Holds It Up; It is a large pack of dynamite  
with a timer)

Kronos : (Disgusted) You Are WITHOUT Honor, Macleod!

DM : Kronos, it isn't mine! Throw it awa.....

(As the explosion occurs, Methos tries to shield Cassandra, but both are shredded, as are Silas and Kronos; DM emerges, leg shredded, arm missing Sees Joe)

Joe Dawson : Mac, I have something to tell you. It's about Horton.

DM (Enraged) He's ALIVE?!!!!

(Joe pulls a gun)

JD : No. He was an amateur.

(Blows his head off)

Aide : Now what, Mister Dawson?

JD : Now we wait for Connor to emerge, and we 'help' him find his kinsman's killers.

(Walks away, dismissively throws away cane, laughs and walks normally)

* * *

3

(DM has just finished Kronos, appears too exhausted to cry out, and Cass takes Methos)

Cass: He may have been your friend, Duncan---but he was a fiend. Now, it is done.

DM: He intervened for me during the Dark Quickening, Cass.

(Gets up to walk beside her)

DM: He risked his head to get me to the Holy Pool.

Cass: Doubtless for his own purposes.

DM: I saw so much in that pool, Cass. So much that I told him of--so much I kept to myself.

Cass: What did you keep to yourself?

(Laughing wildly, takes her)

DM: (Lightning) IT DIDN'T WORK!!!!!! HHAAAAAAHAHAhhhhaaaaaaa

* * *

4

(We see Kronos, standing tall over all the bodies)

Kronos: I win.

(As though listening to someone)

Kronos: I Win.

(Again)

K: I won, damn you!

(Again)

K: NOOOOOO!!!! I WOOOOONNNNNN!!!!!!

(Three weeks later, at MacLeod's Loft)

Rich: Mac, you and I have a score to sett....?

(We see a casually dressed Kronos, cooking up a quick omelet; When he speaks, his Continental accent is replaced by a more Celtic one)

Kronos?: Rich, sit down. There's a lot to explain.

* * *

5

1996

(Kronos is the last standing at the Submarine base)

Kronos: Traitors, victims, fools, madmen and heroes! None were enough to take The Master Of The Night!!!! Given money and skill, I can rise to any occasion!

ELECTION 2000

Kronos: (Speaking with a feigned Middle-American dialect) Together with you, I, Your President-Elect (Kisses The Briefcase with the nuclear codes) Shall Restore The World!!!!

(They chant his name)

* * *

Darkest Ending

K: Macleod?

DM: Yes, Kronos?

K: Got a match?

DM: Nope. Methos?

Meth: Uh-uh.

Cass: Me either.

Kronos: !%$&&*(( ELECTRIC POWER AUTHORITY!!!!!

* * *

**The Making Of**  
--------------------------------------------------

(We see DM come out in front of the sub base set)

DM: Hi. Welcome to The Making of CAH/Rev. I'm your host, Duncan MacLeod. A lot of you out there seem to think that putting together an epic saga like this one is child's play. But nothing could be further from the truth.

(We see some poor schmoe kneeled before Old West Kronos)

PS: Koren, please, I toldja where I hid all the money!

K: (Sword comes down, we see blood spatter) Just one more withdrawal, my boy.

DM: Now, some of you may think: Big deal, so they killed another schmoe who cooperated with the Kimmie. Ooh, how original! But in fact, we didn't kill him.

K: (Walks up) That's right, Duncan. Bcause on TV, nothing looks more fake than real blood.

DM: And don't think that we can just run down to Sev for a Cherry Slurpee.

(Scene with DM and the Four throwing paint, syrup, cherry juice, etc, against a white wall)

DM: We had to go through over one hundred TV blood substitutes, just to find the one type that made that scene perfect. After all, if Kronos offed that fool and it looked fake--we could lose the whole episode.

K: And the day hardly ends there.

DM: I wish. Next comes the critical scene where Kronos confronts Methos for the first time in millennia.

K: (Stabs Methos) Hello, Brother!

DM: Cut!! Kronos, what the hell kind of knife is that?

K: Bowie.

(Methos writhes in agony)

DM: I don't see you using this.

(Pulls knife out)

M: Aaarghh!!!

DM: Here, try this Kali-looking one. Places!!

K: Hello Brother!

(Stabs him; Shakes his head, and pulls it out)

M: Aahhhaahh!!

K: No, it's just not me.

(We see a huge pile of bloody knives)

DM: The day went on and on. Methos was a bit unprofessional. At one point, he took nearly an hour to revive.

K: Here is my private collection of Duncan's heads. That's right--plural. I need to keep A LOT of these plaster casts around! Why, you ask?

DM: Simple. If we're in a Horsemen-oriented fanfic, guess whose ponytail tends to get trimmed?

K: Hint, Hint!

DM: Another Horseman is big, dumb Silas. Right? WRONG!!!

(We see a very serious looking Silas, gesturing toward the monkey cage set)

Silas: The relationship between my character and the monkeys is a critical one. A lot rides on the sympathy that briefly takes over Methos' eyes when I ask if I can keep one.

M: I just kind of rolled my eyes, is all.

DM: Now, Caspian has not been a full-time Horseman for some years, now.

K: That's right, Duncan. He's grown far too ruthless to be trusted. He's now completely demented. Watch this.

(We see a courtroom, and Caspian is giving closing arguments)

Caspian: So, in conclusion, Let me say that there is no evidence at all linking tobacco use with cancer. None at all.

K: Scary stuff. But he came through for these episodes. A real trooper

DM: That's it for this special look into the making of CAH/Rev. Next time any of you write in, saying how easy HL:TS is to make, just remember:

K: We can always make more of these lame SPFX specials.

DM: (Grim look) And next time, we get Mark Hamill to host.

K: He's not bluffing, you know! He'll do it.

(Closing credits)

K: I AM SOUR CREAM AND CHIVES!!!

(CUT)

K: SUPPORT THE MARCH OF DIMES!!!

(DM laughs)

(CUT)

K: GOTTA CATCH EM' ALL!!!

(Methos shakes his head)

K: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY AND TIME!!!

DM: YOU'RE NOT GOING TO SCARBOROUGH FAIR!!

(All laugh, Cass raises her skirt, giggles, credits end with DM looking at ponytailed plaster head)

DM: Alas, poor Duncan. I knew me well!

(Tosses it over shoulder)

DM: HIKE!!


	2. Immortals At The Old One-Two

**Immortals At The Old 1-2 **

** By Rob Morris**

MAY 12, 1986

( Into the 12th Precinct of the NYPD walks Police Captain Barney Miller. He has just received the bad news that NYC is again closing his precinct, due to budget cuts. At his old desk sits Fish, who Barney only recently finagled out of retirement. Thus the news is a double-blow)

Barney: Uh, Fish? We do happen to have some clean-up work to do, before we close shop.

Fish: Huh? Oh, sorry, Barney! I'm just so damn tired lately. I'll get on it.

Barney: WHEN?! I mean, Phil, c'mon! I pulled strings to get you back here, using rules nobody's even sure are still on the books! But since you got back, you---kinda just sit there.

Fish : Look, I said I was sorry! Between Bernice, all those kids, and those thunderstorms we've been having, I can't get any sleep.

Barney: Wha-Wha-What thunderstorms? We've been dry and clear for weeks now! ( Suddenly, Stan Wojohowiecz, who has been observing all this, speaks up)

Wojo: S'True, Barney! They're the freakiest things! All really localized! One even broke out down at the wrestling arena.

Barney: Why haven't I heard about it?

Wojo: Well, Barn, you kinda said not to show you anything till Inspector Luger's Autobiography was through being serialized.

Barney: Oh, yeah, I did. What's he up to now?

Fish : ( Reading his paper ) Chapter 37 : *Truman shoulda used the bomb everywhere, and kept pressing! - The postwar years.* Hey, he seems to have toned it down a bit!

Barney : Well, he would have to, wouldn't he? Say, where's Harris and Dietrich?

Wojo : They're workin' a 4713 down by the docks. A couple of hippie-dippies, goin' at it!

Barney : A 4713? That's---Wojo, that's a duel with swords!

Wojo: Well, they called, so they're bringing the saber-boys in! Oh, Barn? I got bad news.

Barney : What? One of them get hurt?

Wojo : Oh, no. At least not directly. One of them-well, he kinda sliced Harris's arm off.

Barney : Oh, My God! Is he all right!

Wojo : Oh, he's fine. Just ticked.

Barney : Just ticked?

Wojo : Well, major ticked. But they think it can be sewn back on, with no trouble.

Barney : Wojo, what hospital is he at?

Wojo : No hospital. They're bringin' the suspects here. Geez, Barn, its not like they were hurt or nothin!

Barney : NOT HURT!? Wojo, how can you.........Are we, by any chance, discussing the arm on Harris's suit jacket?

Wojo: Well sure, what the hell did you think I was talkin about? I was just sayin, he'll be plenty ticked when he comes in. You know how he is about his clothes! I mean, c'mon, Barn!

Barney: In the future, I would like you to....

( He is interrupted by the arrival of Dietrich and Harris, with the suspects in tow. Both have longish hair, and the large swords they were using are in Dietrich and Harris's possession. They are Connor Macleod and The Kurgan )

Harris : You're going to pay, Macleod! You have any idea how much an Armani suit costs?

Connor : If that's an Armani suit, I'm the god of thunder! Heh-heh-heh-heh-eh, Sorry. I'll write you a check for that Brooks Brothers suit, okay?

Harris : Barney's Fifth Avenue?

Connor : Deal.

Barney : Whatta we got, guys?

Dietrich : These two gentlemen claim to be immortals, dueling each other to see who will be the last. I don't buy it, myself. I mean, I called Macleod's kinsman Duncan just last week to see how he was doing. So, they're definitely not the last.

Kurgan : Free Me! I am the scourge of the Fertile Crescent! ( Rattles cage, which he was thrown into first )

Fish ( Walks over ) : You want something to do, I've got the Sunday Times' Crossword!

Kurgan : ( Calms down ) It'll do. ( Takes the paper and a pen ) Six-letter word for "Barbarian Tribe of The Russian Steppes". Hmm. Nah. 19 down, Eight-letter word for "Undying". Damn, they're making these things tough nowadays!

Connor : Dietrich, why did you interfere? Is that what Darius taught you? We told you about the Long Island Tournament ages ago, but you had a 3 Stooges festival to attend.

Barney : Dietrich, what's he talking about?

Dietrich : Well, they were this broad slapstick comedy trio who consisted of the Horowitz Brothers, Moses and Jerome, and...

Barney : Not the 3 Stooges! This- this Darius stuff.

Dietrich : Oh, Darius! Well, Captain, suppose I should've told you- I'm an Immortal, myself, I rode with Darius to the gates of Paris in 476. ( Does not notice Leavitt standing by him, jotting down extensive notes)

PARIS, 476 A.D.

The Good Immortal : I pray thee to slay me not, Conqueror Darius, lest the strength of soul I hath achieved be thine undoing! Thou and Dietrich are but two, yet ye would claim the dark mantle of the Four Horsemen of Eld!

Darius : What rubbish! Dietrich, divine his true meaning, I know it not!

Dietrich : Well, the Four Horsemen were a broad-slapstick comedy quartet, consisting of Methos, Kronos, Silas and Caspian, who was known to like Rings he took off of fingers he ate. They rode the nondescript ancient world. In fact, I should have told you, my liege. I was the fifth Horsemen.

THE NONDESCRIPT ANCIENT WORLD, kinda like you seen in Xena and Hercules, only there are a lot fewer jokes and naked people, and, consequently, a lot fewer jokes about naked people. In fact, naked people don't really enter into this at all, since Renee O'Connor does not appear in this story. Darn. Circa 3200 BCE.

Kronos : ( Rides Up and sees Dietrich) Dietrich, where is Methos? Those villagers aren't going to kill themselves, you know!

Dietrich : The last ones did. Uh, I think he and Cassandra went to see the Epic of Gilgamesh. Its playing down at the Olduvai Pit'n'Grill.

Kronos : What he sees in that little nothing bewilders me. What is it all about?

Dietrich : Gilgamesh was a broad slapstick effort, consisting of the duo of Gilgamesh, grandson of Noah, and Enkidu, his brother, who.... ( Kronos rides off )

THE PRESENT-MAY 12, 1986

Harris : Can you ever just answer a simple question?

Connor and Kurgan : NO, he can't.

Leavitt: Hey, I don't feel he talks too much.

Dietrich : Leavitt, what's with that wacky tattoo?

Leavitt : Oh, uh, its just a lodge. Jazz musician out west runs the whole thing. We get together, compare notes, nothing special.

Wojo: Sounds really dumb. I mean, notes on what?

Leavitt : Oh, just--- stuff.

Kurgan : 24 Across, Verb, Six letters, what a guillitoine is used for-ohhhh-Fish! You got a hint book?

Barney : Mr. Macleod, please step into my office. ( Connor does as he's asked)

Barney : ( Shuts door ) Er, Connor, is it? Listen, we just can't allow this kind of thing in our precinct. Can't you work out your differences with Pugil Sticks?

Connor : I knew someone tried that once. I didn't know him very long, mind you. Captain, neither I nor the Kurgan will press charges, and there's no one else involved. Can you make disturbing the peace stick?

Barney : All right, Connor. Just please find an empty warehouse or something. You're right, we are busy what with those headless bodies that have been turning up. Just not in my precinct again, all right?

Connor : Agreed.

( As they both head out, they see Inspector Luger and the Kurgan busily chatting away)

Luger : So, there was old Brownie, his liver hanging out, and three more punks comin at him.

Kurgan : So what did he do then?  
( The Kurgan is, astonishingly, interested in the Inspector's stories)

Luger : Well, Old Brownie, he pops his liver back in, grabs the first punk, and slams him into the other two! One of their teeth popped out, embedded in his shoulder. Hey, I got it here!

Connor : C'mon, Kurgan. We're free to go. Let's resume.

Kurgan : Well, if its all the same to you, Macleod, Frank and me, we're going to a Rat Pack retrospective in Jersey. This crew's supposed to be good! "I want to be arooouunndd, to pick upp the Pieces"!

Luger : C'mon, Kurgie! The Sinatra impersonator personally punches out the first 50 guests! Hmmm, 5 letter word for policeman's shield,....aaaaahh ( Throws it out ) I can never figure these stupid things!

Kurgan : What about Old Brownie and the Boiler Factory Explosion? Frank, you promised! ( Walks out )

Luger : Ahhh, he's like a little kid! G'night, Barn!

Harris : Say, Macleod?

Connor : Yes, Harris?

Harris : I'll forget about the jacket if you tell me where you get those overcoats! ( Leaves, Dietrich follows, with Leavitt close behind, still taking notes)

( Barney enters his office, then comes out a few minutes later. Connor is waiting for him)

Barney : Anything I can do for you, Mr. Macleod?

Connor : You can pay for the fall of Antwerp during the Burgundy Succession, Bernard, Miller Of Gaunt! ( Pulls his sword)

Barney ( Pulls his sword ) Hey, easy come, easy go! The English were just paying better that day. Sides, I'm a cop now.

Connor: ( Lunges At Him ) I was a cop, then!

( The battle rages, with Connor the victor. After the Quickening, which utterly destroys the 12th Precinct, Connor departs. Barney had been hiding his presence with Dietrich's. His body is found by a tearul Wojo)

Wojo: Aw, Barn! Geez! Why'd this happen? ( Still upset, he picks up the phone. We note a familiar tattoo on his wrist.) Hello, Joe? I kinda need a new assignment. No, I'm sure.

IN THE END, THERE CAN BE ONLY 1-2.

* * *

Fear not- although Barney has left us, we are not through with the 12thPrecinct!

Coming soon:

BARNEY MILLER : THE MACAW

Dietrich sets out to take vengeance upon Connor, but unfortunately chooses Cabbie The Reverend Jim Ignatauski, and gets hopelessly lost. He forms a PI agency to fight evil, under the name Dietrich Macaw. Joining him is Philip K. Fish, who really doesn't want to go back to Bernice and the kids. Rumors have Leavitt and Wojo appearing if their spin-offs suck.

Episode 1 Synopsis : Leavitt and Wojo return to give MacawFish investigations its first case. It seems a teacher has returned to the high school he grew up in, to teach remedial academics. For some reason, the man thinks his uncle jokes are funny. Can Dietrich stop him before the man's wife loses all patience?

Dietrich : Ok, which one of you is the student who called me?

Student : OOO! OO-OOh! OOH! That would be me, Mister Macaw. My name is Arnold Horshack.

Dietrich : A very old and respected name. If I recall, it means "The Cattle Are Dying".

That's on the first blockbuster episode of :  
BARNEY MILLER : THE MACAW


	3. A Small Town In Colorado

A Small Town in Colorado  
by Rob Morris

( We see a poorly drawn Duncan entering a town with the initials 'SP' )  
DM: Excuse me, Officer. I seek Kenny McCormick. Have you seen him?  
Barbrady : Gee, that's a toughie...I'll have to get back to you on that one.

( In his police car is most of the McCormick family, minus Kenny; Barbrady drives off; stops down the road )

Barbrady : Hey, pal...are you following that other guy?

Joe D : Yeah, I'm his Watcher.

Barbrady : Oh, Yeah!? Well, mister, we don't put up with that sort of thing around here, unless we have to.

Joe : You have to.

Barbrady : Ok, then. ( Drives off )  
( In his wanderings, DM runs into someone familiar )

DM : Methos, you followed me?

Methos : Yes, Macleod. Once again, I am here to save you from your own naiveté . You are the most naive person on Earth.

Kyle's Mom : I still say that I did moy Kyle a favor by deliberately infecting him with the mumps. Some mothers would allow their boys a healthy childhood, only to be ravaged later by disease and cartoons.

Mayor : Well, yes. We are seriously thinking about inviting Barbara Streisand back. Granted, she nearly destroyed our town. But then, heck, she IS that Funny Lady!

Mackey : Swords are baaadd. You shouldn't use swords, Mmkaayy? Cause swords cut people's heads off, and that's bad, MMkay?

Methos : Where the HELL are we, Macleod?

DM: We'll be gone soon enough. I'm seeking Kenny.

Meth : Its about time! And--why does this background look so cheesy?

Doctor Mephistopheles : Excuse me, Gentlemen. May I borrow massive amounts of your DNA? 

DM : How much?

Doctor : Hmmm, we're probably talking just enough to destroy you forever.

DM : Um, no then.

Doc : Fine! Be that way!

( Up walks Jesus )

JC : Hiya, Methos.

Methos : Hey, Josh.

DM : I'm not even going to ask.

( Their wanderings continue )

Mister Garrison : Get those long, powerful, lustrous swords out of my classroom! Mr. Hat, should we call the Police?

Methos : I think not.

( Chops off Mr. Hat, then Mr. Garrison's head )

Mister Garrison : Don't you boys use this as an excuse to slack off in your homewo.........

Methos : I suppose you'll lecture me now, Macleod.

DM : Nope. Actually, I wanted to see him die.

Methos : Oh. Well, could you lecture me anyway? I've rather come to expect it.

DM : Er, maybe later.

Cartman : Are you two guys butt-buddies? Ah know em when ah see em!

Kyle : Yeah, Cartman's Mom is her own butt-buddy! Haaahhah

Cartman : Screw you guys! Hey, can I have one of your swords?

DM+Meth : No

Cartman : Well, then! I don't want your swords, anyhow! I'll just use inverse psychotics til you give them to me.

Stan : Cartman, do you mean Reverse Psychology?

Cartman : That's what I just said, dumbass!

Stan : No way, lardass! You said inverse psychotics.

Cartman : AH didn't say it--YEW just did, cause you're so stupid! Yew guys are so ignorant, I do't know why I put up with yew.

( Just then, Kenny enters--and so does Kenny )

Imm-Kenny : So, you found me, Macleod. Ah, but which Kenny is which?

Kenny-M : I'm th eal un!

Imm-K : No--I am. Choose, Macleod!

Stan : Dude! Which Kenny is our Kenny?

Kyle : Dude! I--I just can't tell!

Cartman : It ees jus like looking at a mirror reflected back at another mirror!

( Methos grabs Kenny-M, and Mac slices at Imm-Kenny---to no effect! )

Imm-Kenny : I don't know how you saw through my disguise, Macleod---but I wield the Methuselah Stone! With it, I am Invincible!

Methos : But that shattered!

Imm-Kenny : It ducked.

Kenny-M : but I can negate ur powr!

( Kenny-M punches Imm-Kenny in the stomach; The Crystal goes flying, and lands in Kenny's mouth; He dies from swallowing it, then comes back )

Kenny-M : kick ss, ude!

Methos : Now, no matter what, that boy will never die a permanent death. Damned shame about my girlfriend, though.

Imm-Kenny : Nooo!!! And I never even had a chance to kill the McCormicks!

Kyle : Dude! Why would you want to kill Kenny's parents?

Imm-Kenny : They're Immortals--I felt the buzz.

Cartman : Ha-Ha! Yew are sooo stoopid! That buzz came from the power lines in their living room!

DM : Its all the Buzz, Kenny.

( Lowers sword, takes him )

Kyle : Oh, My God!

Stan : He killed Kenny!

Cartman : Kick-Ass!!

( They stare at him )

Cartman : Siiggh. Yew Bastards.

( DM and Methos leave )

Kyle : Hey, what did those dudes say about Kenny and death?

Cartman : Since it was about Kenny, ah wasn't paying attention.

Stan : Doesn't matter, anyway. The lightning from that other Kenny fried ours. Oh, well. Lets go eat dinner.

( Kenny M revives, no one notices, ad infinitum )

DM : Am I ever glad to be out of that town.

Methos : You said it. Say-where are we headed next?

DM : Someplace safe. Just a little town called Springfield.

( They hit a bump in the road, and hit their heads against the roof )

DM+Meth : D'Oh!! 


	4. The Springfield Horsemen

**The Springfield Horsemen**  
by Rob Morris

(After their adventure in South Park, Methos and Duncan are headed to another small town called Springfield)

Duncan : Okay, now just why are we seeking out this town, and what state is it in?

Methos : What state? Why, its in Frifhjknch, where else would it be?

DM : Frifhjknch? What kind of nonsense is that? That's not the name of a state.

Methos : It is in the language of Planet Zeist.

(DM stops the car; Exits driver's door. Goes around to Methos)

DM : ZEIST? You DARE bring up the 2nd movie in my presence? Get out of the car!

Meth : No.

(Smiles, and drives off without DM)

DM : Hmm. I guess I really am naive.

(Methos seems to drive faster and faster. His head leans forward, his face becoming grimmer and grimmer each time we see it)

DM : (Standing beside almost unmoving car) You know, it helps if you release the emergency brake.

Methos : D'Oh!

(DM gets back in)

DM : Now, what's so all-fired important about Springfield?

Meth : 'All-fired'? What are you, Jed Clampett?

DM : It's just a phrase.

Meth : Well, it's not you. Try again.

DM : (Grumbles) Now, what's so---

(He pauses)

DM : ---bloody important about Springfield?

Meth : No, no--that's English.

(DM stops the car. Meth goes halfway through the windshield)

Meth : English will do in a pinch.

DM : Springfield?

Meth : Ah, Yes. Through a time portal, I and my three brothers are about to invade the town of Springfield, and kill all its residents.

DM : Is this a Deus Ex Machina 'it's just there' time portal, a 'Quantum Leap' 'we built it' time portal, or an extra-stupid circumstance time portal?

Meth : No one can say for certain. Although I'd lay money on the stupid.

* * *

(In Springfield, we see a certain familiar fat bald man running a wire from his job at the nuclear plant to his home)

Homer Simpson : Lousy Burns! Won't give us free electricity. Well, if the freebie won't come to Homer, Homer'll just have to be forced into dishonesty. It's not myyyy fault. And if anyone asks me--I'll say it was Marge's idea. I'll have the courage of her conviction.

(Marge looks outside)

Marge : Homer, are you doing something illegal that you then plan to pass onto me?

Homer : Feh! Women. You think you know us sooooo well. By the way---don't cut this cable or it'll be bad.

(At the power plant, one of the reactors begins to act strangely)

Smithers : Sir, it seems we have an illegal wire tap of our power. I'll requisition a team to use insulated bolt cutters on it.

Burns : Blast it, Smithers--show some gumption. This Audie Murphy pocket knife of mine will do the trick.

Smithers : Err--but Mr. Burns, we're talking about billions of volts of electricity.

Burns : Did I mention that performance reviews were coming up? This lack of nerve could cost you access to my personal steam bath.

(Smithers looks horrified)

Smithers : Don't you worry, sir! I'll stick it where it counts!

(Smithers stabs the steel pocket knife into the line)

Smithers : I'll be fine, as long as I'm not standing in.....

(He sees that he and the line are in the company swimming pool)

Smithers : ......water.

(Agonized screeches are heard)

Smithers : To....Sir....With.....Llllllooooo...

(His charred corpse collapses)

Burns : Where Is That Smithers? Eh, I'll have to dock him every bit of pay I've ever given him. Now, granted, he's never done this sort of thing before, but we must have lines!

(At the Springfield Elementary Football field, Bart and Lisa are watching the game)

Bart : Man, having the traditional field replaced with a gigantic evil-summoning pentagram really bites! I mean, I'm all for the concept and practice of evil, but not where it interferes with football.

(On the field)

Nelson : Jimbo, you cut through the ley lines, and Dolph, you take a pass through the seventh circle of perdition. I'll go through the end-of-time endzone.

Dolph : I dunno, Muntz. Those Rosemary's Babies look pretty tough!

(Back in stands)

Lisa : I agree, Bart. And just why did they have to make the new goal posts out of superconductive metal mined at Mount Armageddon? Something just seems wrong. Why are we importing metal when our own steelworkers are starving?

(The spike from the severed power line then joins with a magnetic field caused by the faulty reactors. Its energy reaches the new goalposts.)

Bart : Lisa---do you have one of those long-haired explanations as to what's about to happen here?

(But we see that Lisa is running off, Homer-style)

Bart : Wow--she is smart.

(He joins her)

(On the field, the goalposts fire energy into the pentagram. Four figures begin to take shape.)

Reverend Lovejoy : Stupid half-time show. I came here to watch some DAMNED football!!

(Mounted and masked, The Four Horsemen, sent forward from The Bronze Age, appear to everyone)

Kronos : You cattle!

(In the distance, some cattle raise their heads in query)

Cattle : Moooo?

Kronos : No--no. I meant the human cattle. You see, it's a metaphor---ahem. We Are The Four Horsemen Of The Apocalypse! No band has ever been more cruel or more feared!

Barney Gumble : Yah? Well, wadda about ABBA?

Kronos : Well, they do come close, but to my knowledge, they've never deliberately killed anyone.

ComicBook Guy : Noooo--this is wrong. First of allll---people who travel through time cannot speak our language. None of you should be as tall as you are, and your weapons and riding implements are anachronisms in your native time. So there!

Kronos : Burn all of this fool's comic books!

CBG : Done already. In an issue of 'New Warriors'.

K : Burn all his toys!

CBG : That was done in the animated episode of Batman where Adam West voiced The Grey Ghost.

K : Open all of his collectibles, that the value may go down.

CBG : Sigh! Powerpuff Girls.

K : Grrr...make him listen to Shatner singing!

CBG : The nerd-kidnapping ep of Freakazoid.

K : Caspian---eat him in one bite!

CBG : Physically imposs-----

(We see Caspian is now quite rotund)

CBG's Voice : Wellll, I must say, this is a unique fate---unless you happen to have seen a little film called 'Anaconda'. Using the CGI snake, they showed a man's face....

(Casp punches himself in the stomach)

Caspian : Mayonnaise. Always gives me gas.

CBG's ghost : Worst death ever!

Kronos : Brothers, we ride! We'll attack the donut shop first! If I recall correctly, that's where we'll find the fewest police.

(Present-Methos and Duncan arrive at the Police Station---no one is home)

DM : Huh? But if the police aren't here, where would they be?

Meth : Macleod---oh, never mind!

(At the donut shop, Chief Wiggum lies flat on his back, red stains all over his hands and uniform)

Wiggum : Ohhhhh----twofer Jelly Donut Day--ahahgagggggh!!

(The mounted Horsemen break through the shop's front window)

K : We are here to raise hell and high water!

Past-Methos : Die slowly or quickly--its all the same to us!

Silas : We'll make pastry-flour from your very bones!

Caspian : We leave nothing living in our wake!

(The nerdy sales clerk points)

Clerk : Hey! You can't bring those horses in here—it's against the health code!

(Sheepish and ashamed, The Horsemen quietly withdraw)

Policeman 1 : Hey, uh--you think we should maybe stop those guys?

Policeman 2 :Yeah. But we'll wait till they get rowdy, or out of line.

(Right outside of them, Silas is pouring gasoline on an overturned school bus)

(Caspian comes back in his underwear)

Past-Methos : What the hell happened to you?

Caspian : I was mugged. They took my armor.

(Nelson, Jimbo and Dolph try on the stolen armor)

Nelson : All Right!

Jimbo : Kewl!

Dolph : Kickin'!

Nelson : I think my vertebrae are broken.

Dolph : My hipbone has been crushed to powder.

Jimbo : Well, looks like I'm never gonna be a father--or walk again. But we will look sooo cool!

(They collapse)

(The Simpson Home)

Bart : Homer, I don't think this is a real good time to head into town.

(Homer smiles vacuous smile)

Homer : Nonsense, boy. This Wednesday drive is a tradition in our family.

Lisa : No it isn't. In fact, you hate driving on Wednesdays.

Marge : Now, Lisa. Your father is not a very spontaneous man, and we should encourage this in him.

Lisa : Mo--om! You said just last week that Dad's unpredictability was making you crazy.

Homer : Oh, aren't weeee just little Miss Contrary.

(Next door at the Flanders, The Horsemen encounter an invisible force field)

Kronos : What does that sign say?

Past-Methos : 'The Choir Invisible Fence. Keeps Demonic Presences Away. Also good for training dogs.'

(Silas keeps walking into it)

Silas : D'Oh! D'Oh! D'Oh! D'Oh!

Kronos : Pity we have nothing as intelligent as a dog about.

(Santa's Little Helper slides underneath the fence; As does Snowball)

Past-Methos : Then we shall attack the house next door. No one can stop us.

Present-Methos : You're wrong, you relic! I know exactly how you think.

(But we see that he and DM are still on the other side of town)

DM : Who were you just talking to?

Pres-Meth : I'm...not really sure.

(Apu looks over his destroyed business)

Apu : Oh, My. This may in fact force me to raise prices to compensate. Brick fragments--25$ apiece! Ones destroyed by Methos are 5$ additional.

(Homer now sees The Horsemen)

Homer : Omigod! Omigod! I can't believe that you four are here!

(Picks up a cellphone)

Homer : Louie? This is Homer Simpson-- somehow, a racetrack got built next to my house. Put 50 down for me on the blue-faced guy with the white horse.

Kronos : How come he didn't bet on me?

Silas : To be honest, Brother--I always bet on Methos--I mean, you know how to ravage and pillage and make a ruin of man's works---but you just stink on ice in a race.

(Kronos hangs his head in shame)

Kronos : D'oh.

(They tie up The Simpsons)

Caspian : (To Marge) Off comes your head, woman!

(Swings, then holds up his bloody prize)

Cas : Look, Brothers!

(They all stare at him)

Methos : Caspian---take a look at the woman.

(An angry Marge still has her head--but her hair has been cleaved in two)

Marge : Grrrrr...You Horsemen will pay for this!

(Caspian sees the wad of blue hair he is holding)

Caspian : Hmmm...I could boil this for soup.

Kronos : Why can't you eat hamburgers like everyone else?

Caspian : mmmmm....Hamburg-ers.

(In his imagination, a giant Caspian strolls through the streets of Hamburg, Germany, eating residents like popcorn)

Homer : Hey, Caspian? What do people taste like?

Caspian : Oh, well, they taste just like....

(Everyone glares at him. He gulps and avoids the cliche')

Caspian : Er....Welsh Rarebit?

Homer : Feh! Gives me nightmares.

(K points with sword)

Kronos : Worse nightmares than us, my fat friend?

(Homer brings out picture of Selma and Patty)

Homer : Those are my wife's sisters. After some bad ham, I once dreamed I saw them----SKINNY-DIPPING IN A CLEAR STREAM!!!!!

(Everyone screams)

Kronos : Wow---that is a bad one. Let him go, men. There's nothing worse that we can do. Be well, my friend.

(Homer leaves)

Homer : Wellllp, I'm headed down to Moe's. See ya around.

Marge : Homey--aren't you going to rescue your family?

H : Marrrggge....Kronos called me his friend. I don't want to jeopardize our friendship, this early on. Be reasonable.

(Walks off)

Marge : Mmmm...Now, he's worried about what our friends think. Just last summer though, pants was a major debate.

Methos : (To Bart) What's your name, Little Man?

Bart : I'm Bart Simpson--who the hell are you?

Methos : I like you, boy.

Silas : Oh, yeah--like that's any guarantee.

(Methos glares; Silas whistles nervously)

Lisa : Can't you four comprehend that the life you lead will eventually destroy you all? That it cannot satisfy you forever, and must eventually leave you empty inside?

Methos : Errrr...we're from another time, and cannot understand your language.

Lisa : Yes, you can!

Methos : No, we can't!

Lisa : Yes!

All 4 HM : NO! WE CAN'T UNDERSTAND.....errrr...BGHDFER UGHSM JKKAMGMGSM!

Lisa : That's just a nonsense language you invented!

Methos : It is no.....Hthtejkr!

Kronos : You three kill the others. I'll deal with Little Maggie...ahahahhahhaaa!!

(Around the corner, he does just that)

Kronos : How ish my leetle precious Maggie-mag? Aren't you cute? Yesh yew are, yer sho cutey-pie!

(Maggie giggles, and pulls on his sword)

K : Oh, you! You give that back, you little cutesy-wutesy-yiddle baby! You give that...

(Of course, the other three are standing behind him; He gulps)

Kronos : I was going to kill her later on. Really. I was just toying with her.

Methos : Uh-huh.

Kronos : NO! Her life will end by my hand. Won't it end by my hand, Maggie? Yesshh It will...Yeshhh it will (Tickles her chin; The others wander off)

Kronos : I may be losing my edge.

(Silas and Caspian pull back to run Bart and Lisa through)

Lisa : Goodbye, Bart!

Bart : Just chill, Sis. We're lead characters. Lead characters never die.

Lisa : What about Henry Blake from MASH, Coach from Cheers, and Tasha Yar from Star Trek?

Richie's Ghost : A--heeeeem!

Bart : Still in all, for the most part, lead characters never.....

(They are run through)

Bart : You...just...hadddd to be right, didn't you.....

(As the Horsemen ride off Marge holds Maggie, crying. Present-Methos and Duncan ride up)

Duncan : I told you we shouldn't have stopped for Shiskebab-in-a-basket!

Present-Methos : No....there is a way to save those children, Macleod. Too much merchandising is based on their faces to contemplate otherwise.

Duncan : My dear friend the humanitarian.

* * *

MOE'S TAVERN

Moe : So, uh, Homer? Your family is being slaughtered by barbarian Immortals from another time?

Homer : Yeah. And waddya bet Marrrge never lets me hear the end of it?

Moe : Oh--alright. That's worth one free beer. For 10 cents.

--------------------------------------  
(Present-Methos gestures at Marge)

PrM : You, woman, can restore your children to life.

Marge : Oh, I could never do that. What with all this craziness, I haven't had a chance to do any shopping.

Duncan : (Sees the supermarket burning) I wouldn't worry about that, right now.

Pr-Methos : Now--tell me about how you adopted your children.

Marge : But we didn't adopt them. Me being pregnant with Bart was part of the reason Homey and I got married.

Pr-M : Yes, yes. But that was merely a ---story--- you told them. Wasn't it?

(Pr-M winks)

Marge : Are you making a pass at me?

Pr-M : To quote Lambert : I Don't Think So. Now, do you understand how to bring your children back?

Marge : Uhhhh...by wishing for it, like at the end of Peter Pan?

(In flies Peter Pan)

Peter Pan : Yes!

(Duncan takes his head)

DM : Did I DO that?

(Behind him are the snarling Lost Boys)

Lost Boy : You killed our leader, Macleod! Now taste our vampiric wrath!

DM : Its daylight.

(They turn to ash)

LB's : D'OH!

Marge : Look, I really don't think they were adopted. I had morning sickness, labor pains. And two rather major flashback episodes. Besides, wouldn't my husband also remember if they were adopted?

(Pr-M and DM glare)

Marge : ahhh...point conceded. Alright...they're adopted. We found them-- at Springfield Community Hospital, in the maternity ward.

DM : It'll do.

(Bart and Lisa now awaken, Immortal)

Bart : Cool, man!

Lisa : This is not possible. I mean, I'm not adopted.

(She collapses, gasping for breath)

Lisa : I'm....adopted.....I'm....phew!!

Bart : Don't ess-may with the ortality-immay, Lisa.

DM : I don't understand what he just said.

Pr-M : I do. I invented Pig Latin. Hmmm... I think I invented real Latin, too.

(Bart and Lisa encounter Milhouse)

Milhouse : Guys...uhhhh...The Horsemen killed my parents.

Irma Van Houten : Milhouse, get in this house right now! Your father and I haven't finished having our post-divorce argument right in front of you yet!

(Silas rides up)

Silas : Sorry I'm late, Milhouse. Do you have the 50$?

(He slips it to him)

Milhouse : Annnnndd remember. Make it look like it was an accident!

Silas : Can Do!

(The windows are quickly stained red from the inside; Caspian rides up)

Caspian : Oh, I hope I'm not too late. That oaf always dices them too finely. I have my standards.....no, I don't.

Irma : (Dying) Milhouse--you are not...our son!

Mil : Ohhhh....I just knew they'd disown me for this. They've always been so petty!

(His father shoots Milhouse as he himself dies)

Mil : Gosh....and they never even told me who my real parents were!

(He dies)

Lisa : Real Parents?! C'mon!

Bart : Like we didn't see that coming.

Milhouse : I'm...I'm like you guys now.

Bart : AS IF!

Lisa : Don't tag along Milhouse. It's pathetic.

Mil : But it's who I am...it's what I do.

(Homer wanders out from Moe's Tavern, which has been firebombed; He sees carnage and dead bodies everywhere)

Homer : Oh, this town is going soooo downhill!

(Sees the severed heads of Mayor Quimby and Chief Wiggum)

Homer : Quimby---I am NOT voting for you in the next election!

Quimby : Ich bin ein Horsseemm......

Homer : Hey, Caspian! Did you eat my pal Barney Gumble?

(Caspian burps, looking very much like Barney)

Caspian : Why....Nooooo.

Barney's voice : Help me, Homer! Help me! (Becomes Fly-Like) heeellp me, Homer! heeeeellllppp meeeeeee!!!

Homer : Well, that's 20 bucks I no longer have to repay! Wooohoo!!

(Kronos and Past-Methos ride away from Burns' estate; Burns has of course died without Smithers)

Past-M : Why don't we destroy it?

Kronos : Are you mad? The place is a monument to evil and greed. The portico is made from the pressed powder of human bones. The stairs are made from the nails of the innocent. The pools overflow with human blood. And his 73" inch Projection TV gets satellite.

Past-M : Woohoo!

Kronos : Don't do that again.

(Just then, Bart, Lisa, Duncan and Present-Methos drive up and confront the two)

Present-Methos : Here's where you get yours, Relic!

Past-Methos : You can't kill me--you'd be killing yourself, far in the past, weakling!

Present-Methos : True. But you can't kill me, or you'll know the date of your own death.

(They stop)

Past-M : So....they have any good Gyro places around here?

Kronos : And no one can kill me, or else all the things I've done will never have happened, either!

(He is quickly surrounded by townspeople with machine guns)

Kronos : Ohhh...I really shouldn't have said that.

(Starts dancing around the gunfire)

Lisa : Bart, there's only one way to stop this madness!

Bart : Yeah, but going back in time is just soooo Voyager.

Lisa : Noooo. We have to destroy the pentagram that summoned the Horsemen here. If it goes, they go.

Bart : No problemo, Sis.

(Bart whips out a cellphone)

Bart : Hidedley-ho, yourself. Lookie, we need 1000 gallons of Holy Water, spread over the Springfield Elementary Football Pentagram. This is ASAP, Man. No, I won't play with your kids.

Lisa : Who do you know that has 1000 gallons of Holy Water outside the Vatican?

(A Ghostbusters-type, very religiously decorated ambulance bursts out from The Flanders' home)

Ned Flanders : Hi there, Homer.

Homer : Great. All we need at Armageddon is holy people.

Kronos : After that ambulance, men! They could provide our doom in this era!

(They run, but the ambulance is too fast)

Past-M : Maybe...hufff...we..hufff...should ride The Horses there.

Kronos : THAT'S why he's the planner.

(At the field, a great-horned beast awaits The Flanders)

Demon : I am The Demon Of Babylon!

Ned : The Fetid Demon of Babylon, The Loathsome Demon Of Babylon, Or The Fierce Demon Of Babylon?

Maude : I'll bet he's not even from Babylon!

Demon : I am The First Of The Fallen!

Rod : Oh, Yeah? Then why doesn't your face bear the nine lash-marks of the Archangel Michael?

Tod : And your goatee reaches your toes. The REAL devil's goatee stops at a place I'm not supposed to mention.

Demon : Look...If I just go away, will you stop chattering?

Ned : Okeley-dokelee!

(Kronos rides up in the distance)

K : He wasn't the real Lucifer? Oh, I feel so used and betrayed.

Past-Meth : I rather admire his technique.

Silas : I'll stop those Flanderesesses!!

Caspian : Together, Brother!

(They throw stones tied in Bolos that miss The Flanders, but strike the water-tank. The Holy Water floods the field, breaking The Pentagram)

Kronos : I should've taken Kantos.

S+C : D'Oh.

(But while The Flanders vanish, The Horsemen remain.)

Duncan : Ok, Kronos. You and your thugs are history!

Homer : No, Macleod. They broke their laws here in Springfield. That means they're subject to our Springfielderian brand of justice!

(Present-Meth and DM drive off)

Pr-M : You don't believe they can handle The Horsemen, do you?

DM : No. I just wanted to get out of that town. Say, remember that episode with the meteor, and how they accidentally destroyed the only bridge out of town?

Pr-M : Yes. Why?

(We see their car falling into the bay)

DM : No reason.

DM+Pr-M : D'OH!

(As they float to NYC, and our next humor piece, we go back to Springfield)

Judge : Now you face Justice!!!!

K : Give us your worst!

Judge : Time served plus a 250$ fine.

(Kronos laughs in triumph)

Kronos : You fool! We don't have 250$!

(The Judge Glares; Walks up and takes their swords)

Past-Meth : Great going, BROTHER!

Caspian : What will four fundamentally corrupt beings such as ourselves do in this brave new world?

(Six months later)

Kronos : I am School Superintendent Kronos. Principal Simpson and I run a very tight ship. Most of you will die while on board it.

Bart : Jimbo, Dolph, and Nelson report to my office---for eternal detention!

Lisa : HA-HA!!

(Lisa pours boiling oil on some of the girls who used to bother her)

Kronos : They're such GOOD children.

(Mayor Methos is giving a speech)

Past-M : Quimby talked about getting tough on crime--but I actually kill criminals myself--how can you top that?

Crowd : 5000 more years! 5000 more years!

* * *

Caspian : Now, its time for Cooking With Caspian!

(Marge watches on TV)

Marge : He's GOT to be kidding! Where am I going to find a human heart this time of year?

Homer : Maaaarrrgggee....where are my cookies that I ate last night?

(Marge grins; Holds a knife behind her back)

Marge : Ohhh---Hoooomeeey!!!

(At the nuclear plant)

Silas : I get to push the little buttons all day long!

Lenny : Wow! Homer's replacement is twice as efficient as he was.

* * *

THE BRONZE AGE

(Cassandra awakens)

Cass : My people! What have you done with my people!?

Ned Flanders : Why, they're right over there!

(Her people look glassy-eyed, and all have forced grins)

People : Hidedly-Ho, Cassandra!

Cass :AAAAGGGHHHH!!!!

Ned : Your heathen hide is a bit harder to convert--but we're working on it.

Rod : Father's going to marry us.

Ned : But remember son. 30 more years before consummation!

Maude : Ned....we agreed to 40.

(Cass panics)

Rod : Confidentially...I'm probably only going to be able to wait 20 years. You give me too many impure thoughts.

Cass : Oh...I have to buy silverware for the wedding. Can I borrow the ambulance?

Ned : Why, sure. We just filled her full of Undemonized!

(Cass gets in the ambulance; Drives off, never to return)

Rod : Cassandra! You'll never escape me!

(While out in The Desert, she is captured by a UFO)

Alien : You will be taken to our space station and used brutally!

(Cass jumps in the air)

Cass : WOOOHOOO!!!

(The credits roll; The woman shushes)

Duncan : You're history, Shush-Lady!


	5. Immortal Court

**Immortal Court**  
by Rob Morris

(As their endless road trip continues ever onward, we see Duncan and Methos dragged into Criminal Court, Part Two, in NYC. Seated is Harry Anderson from Night Court)

Judge Harry Stone : Ok, Counselors. What thriller-diller venal penal code did these two shake, bake and break?

Dan Fielding : Your Honor, the Freudian Express here were wielding very big substitutes--I mean swords, in Grand Central Station at 5PM.

Judge : And it got noticed?

Dan Fielding : The Pretzel Guys are all out on strike.

Judge : Well, that will tend to put people in an antsy mood. Defense Counsel?

Christine : Your Honor, my clients are Immortals. They're allowed to hunt and kill each other. Suggest reducing charges to open possession of deadly weapons--which in New York, basically means time served.

Judge : Without objection, so ordered. Bull, call the next case.

(Bull is wearing a full-head knight's helmet)

Bull Shannon : The case of.....

Judge : Bull, why are you wearing a helmet?

Bull : (Looks at him) I'm playing football later, Harry.

(Dan comes over and knocks on the helmet)

Dan : Far be it from me to interfere with lifestyles of the Tall and Brain-Damaged, but that is not a football helmet. I'd say it's more of a 'Secret Threesome' model.

(All glare at Fielding; He shrugs)

Dan : What?!

Christine : Bull, you have to take that thing off. My clients could claim that they received unfair or bizarre justice.

(Dan glares)

Christine : Okay, unfair justice.

(With Harry's nod, Bull removes the helmet; Duncan gasps as he does)

Duncan M : SLAN QUINCE?!!!!

Bull : (Kind of dejectedly) Hiya, Macleod.

Judge : Mister Macleod, do you know my bailiff?---he said, dreading the answer.

Duncan : Aye. I know him. He is Slan Quince, a fellow Immortal known as The Cat!

(Dan looks at Bull)

Dan : The Cat? You couldn't do better than---The Cat? Bull, Bull, Bull. If you needed a decent alias, why didn't you call me? I have drawers full of motel aliases, passport and ID falsies. I mean, are we even friends here?

(Mac Robinson walks up)

MR : Uh, Harry? The other prisoners are getting restless. I mean, they're talking about raiding the frozen yogurt stand and everything. It's ugly, I tell you.

Methos : Excuse me. I've had experience in pacifying crowds. I once pacified the equivalent of a crowd of ten thousand people.

Judge : Define pacified.

Methos : I'd really rather not.

Judge : Sigh. Mac, if the man wants to help, let him.

(Duncan stops Methos)

Duncan : Methos, you'll be reverting to your old ways. You'll be slaughtering people who may be guilty of nothing more than parking violations.

Methos : What's Your Point?

(Robinson and Methos head outside)

Robinson : You ever in Nam?

Methos : No, but I did frag the world's first lieutenant.

Robinson : How?

Methos : Threw him into Vesuvius.

Robinson : You're good. No, I mean it...you're good.

(Duncan looks at Bull)

Duncan : This is not possible. I fought and beheaded Slan Quince eight years ago.

(Christine storms up)

Christine : You fought a man with a gigantic sword, wounded him unto death, grinned and cut his head off, and watched it go bouncing over the side of some bridge while his body writhed in agonized final spasms!

Duncan : What's Your Point?

(Judge turns to Bull)

Judge : Bull, what have you got to say for yourself?

Bull : Aww, Harry. I was on my summer vacation, and I just needed something to do.

(Duncan is incredulous)

Duncan : Something to do? The man broke into my home, threatened the woman I love, and near killed my only kinsman.

Judge : Bull--apologize to Mister Macleod.

Bull (Hangs his head, looks ready to cry) : I'mmmm sorry. I'll never do it again.

Duncan : But---I sensed that he was an Immortal!

(Bull pulls out two electric prods; Smiles)

Bull : Ahhh, Macleod. I just zapped you with these. Always fools you Immortals.

Dan : I was wondering where those went.

Christine : I really didn't need to hear that.

Duncan : But what of his head? Even allowing for microsurgery, it would have been detached several hours at minimum. He would have been addled, incoherent, and almost totally incapable of even partly comprehending the simplest of matters.

All : What's Your Point?

(Duncan stalks off; Grabs Methos)

Duncan : You done yet?

(Methos stands bloodied among countless bodies)

Methos : Macleod--can we visit the 12th Precinct?

Duncan : Can't. Connor took Barney Miller.

Methos : What about Hill Street Blues?

Duncan : Amanda took Betty Thomas.

Methos : Law&Order?

Duncan : Richie took Belzer.

Methos : But he wasn't one of us.

Duncan : But he was annoying.

(Inside the courtroom)

Bull : Case of NYC vs. Newman

Dan : Harry, this guy got his four vapid and annoying selfish friends thrown in prison, in concert with people far worse than those four.

(Wayne Knight stands nervously as Harry rises and points his gavel)

Harry : Feed this man---to the Raptors!!!!

Newman : Oh, God!! NOT AGAIN!!!!!

THE END.....for now


	6. Amanda Tyler Moore

Amanda Tyler Moore  
by Rob Morris

"Who can cut a head off with her smile? Who can take a nothing scam; And get Macleod in above his head?; Well, its you, Girl, and you should know it; With each duel and every little Quickening; You show it ; The Game is all around; No need to chase it; You can have the Prize; Why don't you claim It; Only one can make it after all; Only one can make it after all!" ( Amanda throws her hat into the air; An old woman in the background looks at her disapprovingly; Amanda gives chase with her sword)

( We go to WJM News, Minneapolis. In walks the perky Amanda Richards. She's independent-at 1000 years old she's still not married. As she enters, she sees her coworker, Newswriter Gavin Macleod of the Clan Macleod-who lives in the same apartment building as Amanda)

GAVIN: Hey, Mand. How're ya doin? How'd your date last night go?

AMANDA: Oh, all right-I guess. Mmm-Gavin, can I-ask you something?

GAVIN: Oh, Mand. You can ask me anything.

AMANDA: Would you try to duel a girl on your first date?

GAVIN: Except that.

A: Oh, c'mon, Gavin. Just tell me.

G: Well, if you must know, when Marie and I first met, we--dueled-but neither of us were very good at it. The park where we dueled had more decapitated pigeons than any you've ever seen. Why'd you ask?

A: Weeellll, I met this cute guy-Xavier St. Cloud-and he said he wanted to see if I was a worthy opponent-but, you know, my salad was wilting, and you know how I like a good salad!

G: Yeah, I know! Last time we had to fight it out for the bleu cheese!

A: Oh, I'm sorry about that, Gavin. Your arm took a whole two days to mend. I just get-ya know, crazy. That's me-crazy Amanda!

G: Uh, Mand. Listen-two things about dating. One, St. Cloud uses gas to knock out and finish his prey-doesn't believe in the rules.

A: The small r rules, or the Big R Rules?

G: Well, really, none of them. I mean, he almost tried to challenge me and Marie at our wedding! I had to agree when Queen Victoria said later on that we shouldn't have invited him.

A: Oh, Gavin. On Holy Ground? What's the second thing?

G: Weeeellll, Mand-you know how Marie likes to play matchmaker—

A: Uh-uh! NO! Not a chance! Gavin---You know how I hate I blind dates!

G: Look, Mand. Two of my kinsmen are coming into town-I haven't seen them since-oooh, The Long Island Incident.

A: I'd heard of that. What exactly happened?

G: Well, my one cousin-I forget which-was fighting the Kurgan, and he got a good whack.

A: Finish him?

G: Oh, yeah. I mean, he killed the Kurgan, but his Quickening was so powerful-my cousin-well-

A: GAVin!

G: He started shouting at the top of his lungs : "I am the last! I am the last!" Then, for the next 3 months, he thought he was a scientist in 2024 who had to fix the ozone layer!

A: Gee, he sounds....intriguing.

G: Oh, he is, Mand. I mean, he fixed my air conditioner-not so you'd notice.

A: Gavin, you'll have to tell Marie...

G: And here's a picture of my other cousin!

A: ( Eyes wide open, holds the picture from different angles) He's----acceptable. Extremely----acceptable. Absolutely, positively, THE Most----acceptable---person I've seen in some time.

G: So do you accept?

A: I don't know, Gavin, blind dates...

Voice: YOOOHHOOOOO!  
( In walks Rebecca Lindstrom, Amanda's teacher. Time has not dulled her warrior skills but it has made her very annoying)

Rebecca: Hi-hi, Gavin. Hi, Amanda, I- oh, Amanda-please tell me you're NOT wearing that tonight.

A: Well, Rebecca, I thought I might break with tradition and wear pajamas tonight!

R: But, Amanda, tonight's my self-help group "Immies without Prospects"- dear, you do know that your prospects of finding someone statistically went down after you turned 1200?

G: Oh, 1200, is it?

A: REBECCA!

R: Oh, oh, oh my! I meant 1000! Silly me! I meant 1000! I'm 1200!

G: Rebecca, you have calluses older than that!

R: Sweet Gavin, sweet, sweet Gavin. Sweet bald Gavin! So, Amanda-are you coming?

G: She can't, Rebecca! She's going out with my cousin tonight-aren't you, Amanda?  
( Amanda smiles sheepishly as we fade out)

(Pick up again in Amanda's apartment. Amanda's sarcastic best friend, Tessa Morgenstern, has been roped in to be the second date. )

Tessa: Hey, Mand. Do I look puffy in this? My ma said I looked puffy.

A: No, you don't, Tessa. Besides, your mother isn't that bad!

T: Only a woman who doesn't have a mother would say that Ida Noel Morgenstern wasn't all that bad!

( Knock on the door; But its not Amanda's date; Its her boss, Lou Dawson)

A: Oh, Mr. Dawson.

LD: Hello, Amanda. Tessa.

T: Hey, Lou. How's the Peeping-Tom business?

LD: It would go a lot better if I could ditch Ted Horton. Look, Amanda I need to talk with you about him. Keep him on track. If he screws up tonight, I'm walking in there, and decapitate him!

A: But Mr. Dawson, Ted Horton's not immortal!

LD: I know he's not. I just wanna do it on principle! Let me check his progress ( Turns on her TV)

Ted Horton: Hi, folks, Ted Horton, here with the news. Wheat prices took a startling tumble as lightning from Quickenings enhanced production. And, on the lighter side, the decapitated body of Slan Quince washed up on shore...

LD: THAT MORON! We all took a sacred oath never to speak to anyone about Watchers or Immortals-A sacred oath, Amanda!

A: But, Mr. Dawson, you tell people about you and us all the time!

LD : That's different-I hate oaths. Well, I better head down to WJM and deny the news again. If Ted weren't my brother-in-law...( Leaves)

Tessa: Hey, Mand. Do I really fit well in this?

A: For pity's sake, I already told you yes!

T: Alright, calm down. Some of us don't keep those cheerleader looks for a millennium, ya know!

A: Oh, Tessa! I was never a cheerleader! I was a comfort girl for the Crusaders!

T: I stand corrected. ( Knock on door)

Duncan: Hi, I'm Gavin's kinsman. Are you Tessa Morgenstern?

T: I'll be Joan Of Arc if you want me to!

D: Oh, don't, please. She wasn't all that hot! ( He laughs, and Tessa laughs with him. Tessa quickly realizes this is Amanda's date. Amanda is in the next room. Tessa thinks quickly)

T: Hey, Mand! Our dates are here! Yours is uh-coming up now! ( She pushes a confused Duncan out before he can react)

A: Ok, heeerrre's Amanda! ( She comes out looking absolutely stunning; Standing there is Connor; He has a look to him that suggests maybe The Long Island Incident is not quite behind him)

Connor: ( Embraces her heartily ) Oh, Ramirez, my old friend! You're alive! ALIVE!

A: ( Looks up at the ceiling ) Tesssaaaa!

MEOW!


	7. Horsemen The Musical!

**Horsemen- The Musical**  
by Rob Morris

**Act I**

(Out onto the stage walk the Four Horsemen, each speaking in a singing voice)

Kronos: OVERTURE!!!!

Methos: DIM THE LIGHTS!

Caspian: This is it, The Night Of Nights!

Silas: No more rehearsing, and versing the parts!

K: We know every part by Heart!

M: Overture, Dim The Lights!

C: This is it, We'll Hit The Heights!

S: And, oh what heights we'll hit!

Together: ON WITH THE SHOW, THIS IS IT!!!

Together: Oh, we're the demonic chorus, we hope you like our show, we know you daren't ignore us, but now we have to go.......

(We see Kronos, having slaughtered every drunk in a tavern, quite bored)

K: This meager death is no life for me! I'm meant for bigger, and better things, now if I were, say, a mounted rider, dealing in death....

If I were a Horseman, Choppa-choppa-choppa-choppa-choppa-choppa-choppa-chop; All Day Long; I'd Hacka-Hacka-Hacka, if I were a Riding Man!

(Lights fade; We go to Methos, who is facing the consequences of an early rampage)

Judge: So you deny that it was you who tore up that great hall?

M: No, yer honor. Tweren't me.

Judge: Then who was it lad?

M: Welll....It was a Nut; Oooh, what a nut; Oh yes, he really was, such a nut; He drew his sword, and he shoved me down, oh he really was, such A Nut!; And when I heard the screams from all those people; I had no choice; For it was fight or Flight; Gainst' That Nut; Ooh, what a Nut, oh yes, he really was such a nut; He was runnin' round, like a great big clown; Yes, he tried to be, quite a nut; And when he howled his crazy-cry in the moonlight; I had no choice, I had to take his head!

J: WHO?

M: HIM!

J: WHAT?

M: RIGHT!

J: OUCH!

M: SUCH A NUTTTTT.......!!! Thank ya, thank ya very much

(Caspian sits, feeling quite unappreciated in his primitive insane asylum; We see him challenge and best the other ferocious inmates)

C: All right, everyone, there's a new top dog, so sing it out....

Bastard Of The House; Taker Of Your Eyes; One and all you'd like to see me fry; Its generally agreed that I'm a Right Proper Louse; So Let's all raise a Glass; To The Bastard Of The House!

(Cut to Silas, sitting with some young punks)

Punk: Gee, Silas. We'll never be as great as you. We just don't have the vicious edge.

S: Nonsense. I'm nothing special. You just have to go out and build a life, one crime each day! That's the way I did it!

P: Easier said than done, Mr. Silas!

S: No, no. You just have to...Cause; Cause A Wrong; Cause some fear; Show you're strong; Think of evil, not good; Think of fire, not wood; Cause; Cause A Wrong; Make it brutal; They'll talk of you in Songggg; Don't worry that no one's left alive; To tell of your dreadful deed; Just Cause; Cause A Wrong!

Punks: Just Cause; Cause A Wrong---

S: La-la-la? Why, you bunch of little fairies!

(The confused punks run as S waves his sword)

(We now see Kronos standing atop Mount Meggido, looking down at M, C, and S)

K: Will you join in my crusade? Who would be live and not be dead?

M: We will ride around to people and go chopping off their heads!

C: If there is lightning, then that's good; If there is not; I say who cares?

S: For we will ride and ride and ride til the Gathering Comes!!

(We see the now united Horsemen riding on their 1st village.)

Village Elder: Oh, no! Why must this crime be visited upon us? Why? WHY?

K: Oh, do shut up, Old Man, for you see...As Water causes floods now, and fire burns in rings

M: Look up in the sky, start to cry, its the end of everything!

C: For every man has a beast inside;

S: Kids and women too!

K: You'll never reach your destiny;

M: So here's what you have to do!

C: When Its Time To Die;

S: When Its Time To Die!

K: Its Charon's Ride;

M: The blood-dimmed tide;

C: Don't you flee!

S: When Its Time To Die

K: You Do Not Question Why!

M: You Just Go On Meekly To Your Fate!

Together: Sha-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na; Sha-na-na-na-na; Sha-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na; Sha-Na-na-na-na

Together: (While Spinning) When Its Time To Die; When Its Time To Die; You all just go meekly to your fate...Sha-na-na-nananannana.....

**Intermission**

(In the theater after Act 1, we see Methos, the writer/director of the musical, trying to placate his four backers; Duncan, Silas, Caspian, and Kronos. As always, DM and Kronos are arguing)

Kronos: Now, look, we may have to be in on this play together, Macleod, but you are dead!

DM: No, you are!

K: Its a simple fact. Either I survived 'Revelations' and killed you, or I am for the worms! We can't both be here!

D: Kronos, its a fanfic. Get over it.

Caspian: Say, this thing isn't going to be Misted, is it? I hate those dumb robots."

(In the background, we see Tom and Crow leave, quite indignantly, while their human friend tries to stop them)

Mike Nelson: Oh, great going, Immies!

Silas: Is this thing up for an Immie?

(K and DM stare at Silas)

K: You had to kill Caspian and leave me him, didn't you?

D: OBviously, I didn't kill him. He must've ducked.

K: Aaaaarrrggh! I hate ducked! If everyone ducked, there'd never be a Quickening! What do you all say?

Richie: Ducking is stupid.

Ramirez: Its like I was telling Kurgan, ducking robs us all of our victories, makes our glories seem cheap and tarnished.

Kalas: Say, I'm a singer! Why aren't I in this thing?

Fitzcairn: We wanted people to actually attend.

Slan Quince: Has anybody seen Dan or Harry?

Nefertiri: WHAT DO YOU MEAN Cassandra has the box seat? Just Who does a woman have to do around here to get a decent seat?

Kristin: Does my butt look big?

Xavier: I dunno. Does Mine?

Silas: I am a PRODUCER! I will not pay 39.98 for drinks and snacks!

Clerk: Then pay 79.98, sir!

S: More like it!

Amanda: Heyyy, Mac! You know I like to look at strong boxes, admire the workmanship. I would have given it back, at some point.

K: Hey, remember me, folks? Leader Of The Horsemen? I'm only the star of this piece!

D: Hey, there's Methos!

M: So, fellas! How do you like Horsemen-The Musical thus far?

D: I find it a bizarre whitewashing of your bloody careers, plus I hate these spoken word singing musicals. Whatever happened to Lerner and Loewe?

K: I took them after "Partridge Family-The Musical Bus Ride"

D: But they weren't Immortals.

K: You didn't see that play!

D: Good point

Kenny: Programs! Programs! You can't tell an Immie from a Kimmie without a program!

K: I found the first act bloody good, or I would if I had gotten that lobotomy!

Caspian: I found it reminiscent of Atlantis -after we got through with it.

Silas: I couldn't find the bathroom, and had to make due.

(All stare at Silas)

D: Fair warning, Methos!

K: Yeah, nothing too stupid or ridiculous!

C: Silas, that was a FOUNTAIN!

Methos: Fellows, fellows, you are my friends and brothers! Would I betray you?

All: Yes!

M: Just go in and enjoy yourselves. This shall be an epic spectacle, not one that sinks into tawdriness. HORSEMEN-THE MUSICAL!

(They all go back in the theater)

M: (On the phone) YOU HEARD ME! Cancel the 1000 Elvis Impersonators!

**Act 2**

(We see the theater goers settle back into their seats; Macleod and Kronos eye each other)

K: It has to be this way.

D: No choice, then.

K: No, none at all.

D: Well, we did put up the money for this fiasco.

K:Yes, we did. I guess that means we have to endure the ultimate torture.

Together: Watching It!

(In the box, we see Methos and Cassandra, trying to get along---and failing.)

Cassandra: So I'm In It. Am I accurately depicted?

Methos: Of course, my dear. Would I steer you wrong?

Cassandra: Steer me wrong? Methos, you INVENTED the male-pig game of "Open Your Mouth And Close Your Eyes"!

Methos: Oh, you enjoyed it, woman!

Cassandra: On what basis do you say such a thing?

Methos: Well, I could cite your Op-Ed piece in The New York Times, "Games I Enjoyed Playing With Methos".

Cassandra: Always twisting my words.

M: not I am words your ing-twist, ardnassaC!

Cass: No, I suppose you're not

M: These aren't the droids you're looking for.

Cass: These aren't the droids I'm looking for

(Just behind them, we see Tom Servo and Crow)

Crow: Man, are we EVER gettin' dissed around here!

Servo: You think the Popcorn Maker likes me?

(The lights dim, and we see the actors take the stage; There is a great deal of  
phony applause)

Methos: Good news, Brother! The people of Assyria so fear your name, they will not utter it, for fear of summoning you! They simply call you 'The Thing'! I must speculate on what terrible thoughts of you they harbor this evening."

Kronos: Oh, I know what the people are thinking, Tonight, as they cheat, and steal, and dissemble. Each one of them caught in their own private nightmare--as they stare at the foothills and tremble...Why, wherever the tide turns to stream, You Can Almost Hear Everyone Scream....I Wonder What The Thing Is Doing Tonight; What horrors is the Thing committing tonight; The skulls upon the hill; They never shone so bright; I fear what the Thing is sharpening Tonight; How goes The Demon's Ride with the Thing By His side, courting none other than bad ol' Mistress Death? Well, I'll tell you what The Thing Is Eating Tonight; A great deal of fear served with muffins and fright; For he knows will come the day that Methos will go away; And I won't have my Brother and pal around; I fear Cassandra he will mate; Then I'll be second-rate! And that's what the Thing Is Doing--TONIGHT!!!!

(We go to Cassandra, being pushed around by Silas and Caspian)

Silas: Heh. Guess you'll be willing tonight, eh, wench?

Caspian: Yeah. We Horsemen share, everything! What we are gonna do to you!!

S: (Whispers to Caspian) Say, just what are we going to do to her?

C: I'm not quite sure. Kronos promised to have that talk with me, though, about sticking the dead birds in the beehive, or somesuch.

Cass: Well, to answer you two, I do not feel willing at all, particularly in light of what you just whispered.

Caspian+Silas: Then how do you feel, Cassandra?

Cass: I feel Snitty...Oh So Snitty...I feel snitty, and petty, and low...And I wish to Hell that all of you Horsemen would go....

S+C - Fat Chance!

Cass: I feel Snitty..Oh, so Snitty..I feel torn, and tween, and twixt! And its because of Methos for whom my feelings are Mixed!...See the people who slaughtered my village there...

S+C - What Village Where?

Cass: But Methos still makes my heart flee..I feel Snitty..Oh, so Snitty..I feel Snitty, and hateful, and cold..But at least, like this, I'm sure to never grow old!!!

S+C (Shrugging) Have You seen our Slave, Cassandra, The Craziest Girl In The Land?

(Methos confronts his doubts about The Horsemen's path)

M: I killed her again, last night, and you know that I shouldn't; To string her up; Is just not right; For Cassandra's a student; But what can I do; When the killing is through? There has to be more to life than death; Or she will leave me; Every time I slash my sword, you know I'm getting bored and why; Do we really need to give grief; Like money and power cruelty's a lie; Upon It I cry Fieeeeee.....But I killed her again,  
last night, and you know that I shouldn't....

(We go to Silas and Caspian, already in progress)

Silas: Whatcha doin, Casp?

Caspian: Studying this book on terror, Brother!

S: What's It Say?

C: It says....Oompa-Loompa dipidty-ky! If you're a Horseman, people will die!

S: Oompa-Loompa,dipitdy-dee, If you are wise, you won't try to flee!

C: What do you get from a human stampede?

S: I find such things to our progress Impede.

C: Why don't they try staying in their mud homes?

S: Then we can burn them, just-like-Rome!

C: Just make it easy on yourselves.

C+S - Oompa-Loompa, darey-de-dar! If you die quickly, we will go far! We will live in fanfic web-rings, like the monster Godzilla who some call king! Who some call king!

S: That wasn't very good.

C: No, but is anything we do meant to be good?

S: Oh, yeah, like that's an excuse.

(As the skies darken, all run to the Horsemen for help)

K: You want our help?

Villagers: Yes, for the Martians have invaded! Help us, Horsemen!

C: Should we?

S: We have to, Dammit! The Earth is our home, too.

M: Then the 4 Horsemen ride against the Martians!

Cass: And I'll stand with you, my love!

All: Down, Down, Bring Em' Down, we'll bring em' down! Bring Em' Down, Down, Down--we'll bring em' down--we'll bring em' down!

K: I'm gettin' bugged with these Martians and their power trip;

Caspian: We gotta stick our swords in-between theirs mouths and lips!

S: We'll; bring em' downnnnnnn...Oooowowooo!!

M: My Brothers and me, are gettin quite well known; Yeah, the bad guys know us, and they gave us their crown

Cass: None of the boys go steady cause they don't have the cash; Which leads some to speculate about fanfic slash; We'll bring em' down!!

(We see the last of the Martian Saucers fall. People loudly cheer their new heroes)

K: We did it!

C: Was there ever a doubt?

S: Not in my encyclopedic mind!

M: All four of us--no, all Five of us, working together, did it!

Cass: Does this mean that I'm a member, now?

K: Hell, Yes! You've earned your position, as far as I'm concerned!

Cass: Oh, Super! But if we're heroes now, what shall we do? We can't kill anymore.

K: Its not about killing.

M: Its not about fear.

C: Its not about power.

S: Or evil cheer.

All 4: When You're A Horseman, you go town to town, cause' you're the baddest and coolest around! You have cool horses, and you have cool shirts, and all your girls they wear really cool skirts! You know ounce for ounce...

Cass: And Pound For Pound, the Horsemen is simply the bestest around!

All 5: And you know that, when you go face-to face, you always win in the Chariot Race! Being a Horseman means losing that frown, cause you own all of the whole crazy town! The - whole - crazy - Primitive- Bronze Age ----TOOOWWWNN!!! Oh, yeaaaaaah! (In leather jackets, they all shake and strut)

Narrator: And so began a bold new chapter in the History Of The Four Horsemen!

(Cassandra, Macleod, Kronos, and Caspian all look up to Methos' balcony seat, glaring hard, while Methos nervously waves down to them)

Methos: So, uh, who's for Act 3?

Silas: Me, Methos! I'm so glad you wrote this play. I didn't remember ANY of this stuff.

Intermission 2: Renegade Producer's Uncut, Re-Dubbed, Hyper-Fighting Turbo Champion Edition

Methos: Caspian, how did you like it?

Caspian: I find it vile and psychotically disturbing, an affront to all that is decent. But you know me, Methos. I like any musical. Kronos doesn't like it so much, though.

M: What makes you say that?

C: Well, look who he's palling around with!

(We see Kronos, mellow from being blasted drunk)

K: So, zen, Meto deshides to pull bock hish support fru fried shrimp, and omly wantsh staek!

(Getting up off the floor is Duncan)

DM: Yu meen, he dosh dat to YOU!? No way!

K: Way!

DM: No....Way!

K: Hello, everybody! Its Kronos' World!

D+K: Kronos' world, Kronos' World! Quickening Time, Excellent! WOOOOWOOOWOOWOWWOOOOWOO

K: Hi, everybody. I'm Kronos, your host, and this is my worthy opponent and co-host, Duncan!

D: Party On, Kronos!

K: Party On, Duncan! Ok. Our topic today is--Horsemen-The Musical!

D: Yah. More like HorseMeneur-The Screeching!

K: Now, Duncan. I found it a hypertime pastiche of the Horsemen's real story, laced together with some experimental-format music!

D: I thought it was phony, and it sucked!

K: (Nods his head) I must concur. It was so bad...

D: How completely bad was it, K-Man?

K: It was so bad, all of the immies and kimmies who ducked, did themselves!

D+K: EXTREME CLOSE-UP!!!!!

K: Wow, here comes that babe Cassandra.

D: She's a mega-babe, plus..I saw her stuff!

K: Me, too! Babe-A-Lon Five!!!!

D: And yet....

K: I know. I don't like her much, either.

Connor: Hell, I like it. Compared to this, HL2 and MK2 are masterworks! Why, even that idiotic sci-fi show with the three idiots talking to the screen looks good up against this.

Crow: Oh, Tom! There's only one thing keeping me from grabbing a sword and playing 'Whack The Immie'!

Tom Servo: What might that be?

Crow: A lack of workable arms.

Tom: Yeah, that could do it.

Blonde Lady: I can't stand this musical anymore! I'm going home and forgiving my husband! AAAHHHHH!

K: Well, have a safe trip home, !

D: He's made a mockery of your atrocities and travesties!

K: Oh, how much of a mockery could it be?

Man: I find these songs to be inane and they have no point! They're just slapdash songwriting efforts, and I want my denouncement recorded!

Clerk: Yessir, Mr Weird Al Yankovic, Sir!

Godzilla 1998: I find this whole thing a sorry ripoff of the original!

Lacroix: I think I'll go for a walk outside, Yaeh! The Summer Sun's calling my name!

Other Vamps: We hear you now, we just can't stay inside all day, gotta get out, get away from this plaaaaayyy...

Silas: We lost the vampires!

Caspian: More than them! Look!

Emperor Palpatine: Vader, tell Obi-Wan we wish to surrender. The Dark Side Of The Force is no longer the dominant evil in this Galaxy!

Methos: That's IT! Anyone who doesn't want to be here, can just leave!

(Mass Exodus)

Duncan: Kronos?

K: Yes, Macleod?

D: Are you SURE he was your planner?

Cassandra: I'm going in the shower!

(Silence)

Cass: I'll be nude!!

(Crickets chirp)

Cass: If one of you doesn't come with me, I'll change my voice to that of Kathy Ireland's!

K: Don't listen---she's bluffing.

Cass: Yes, I am, for now--but laterrrrrr......

D: How's Joe holding up?

K: Not too well.

Joe Dawson: So, then, we fragged the Lieutenant! It was just me, Arnold, Sgt Fury, Sgt Rock, and Dudley Do-Right! Then, we found out some of our boys were still being held by the British from the War Of 1812! I only asked: Do we get to win it this time?

K: War Is Hell.

D: No, Kronos. Hell awaits in....

All (Except Methos).... ACCCTTT THREEEEEEE!!!

Methos: All right, everyone, set up the set for 'Wild Horseman A Go-G0!' And make sure its 100% accurate. No deviation will be permitted!

**The Final Act**

Morris

(As the lights dim, there is chatter)

Amanda: So, do I end up in this?

Methos: Of course, my dear. Your--creative financing--helped pay the rent on this theater. But we had to, well, composite your character.

A: In what way?

M: That's correct.

A: Uh-Oh.

Duncan: Now, Kronos, I can site several fanfics where you killed me, so I must be dead, and don't have to stay here, after all.

Kronos: Oh, no you don't! You killed me in a broadcast episode, Macleod! That means I'm dead, and I get to leave!

D: Well, I guess you're right. After all, a wimp like you couldn't possibly kill a man like me, ever!

K: Oh, so that's how it is, eh? Well, your Father wore a Skirt!

D: What's your point?

K:DAMN! Look, can't we just kill each other at the same time?

D: Don't be absurd! That's 4000 years of wasted Quickenings we're talking about

K: Its still 1000 years less than this play!

(Methos ascends to the Balcony)

M: Caspian, all the others have turned against me. Why are you and Silas standing by me, through all this?

Caspian: Because I'm psychotic, and Silas is reallly friggin' stupid!

Silas: Yes, I am! Here--Chop Off My Finger! Oops! Did It Anyway! HA! I Killl Me!

M+C: Please do.

**ACT 3**

Methos: Just where is that woman of mine? We had a fight, and she's hidden herself again!

Kronos: Why, she climbed up that tower, Brother!

Methos: Oh, please stop this. Come Out, Cassandra! COME OUT, CASSANDRA....Come out, Cassandra, don't make me wait; You Bronze Age Witches start much too late; But sooner or later the Gathering awaits; We Might Be The Only Ones; And Darling Only The Gods Die Young; Only The Gods Die Young; You got a hero's medal when we stopped the Martian Invasion; You got your freedom bold; And Teeth Capped With Gold; But Cassandra you then decided to stop our assassinations; We then had to flee; When you altered history; So, C'mon, Cassandra, I'll pay you the fee; I'll give you a vision; You show prophecy; The long hair your stuff is hidden behind; has tan lines for lack of sun; And Darlin Only The Gods Die Young; ONly The Gods Die Young;

Kronos: What the hell was that about?

M: Well, I was just saying how we've outlived so-called gods.

K: Silly me. I thought it was just a cheap song.

(In the balcony, Methos receives a note from Kronos)

K to M: You do realize, that, at this point in history, we were killing lots and lots of people?

M to K: What's your point?

(Onstage, we see Caspian, quite depressed)

Caspian: None of my former victims ever gave me what I wanted-to hear a perfectly-pitched cry for help. Was that so much to ask?...To Hear The Impossible Scream; To Light The Unstoppable Fire; To strive, though their arms have been severed, to cause the unbearable pain; These are my guests; they drove here in Cars; Some of them have already; been in quite a few bars; And if they should go out; DWI; And not see the sharp icy turn wind; Then Perhaps; As Their cars crash and crumple; I'll hear---The Impossible SCREAM!!

(Cassandra comes out of the Tower, unclad)

Methos: Oh, for pity's sake, put something on.  
Here, I have a towel.

Cassandra: You keep sayin' you got towels for me; You keep sayin' Cass put on a dress; But I got admirers who say let's leave me be, now; Cause they like my well-formed butt and well-cupped breasts; This booty's made for shakin'; And That's just what I'll do; One of these days, one these days I'll jiggle, walk out the door and we'll be through!

(In the audience, private thoughts)

D: Methos is whitewashing his brutal legacy!

K: Methos is Whitewashing our Brutal Legacy!

C: Does anybody really know what time it is?

Cass: The actress's ones sag. Do mine?

Silas: The actor's ones sag. Do mine?

Amanda: Yeah, those chandeliers will go for a pretty penny on the open market.

Methos: They all love it! They are enraptured by my play!

Russia, 1942

Stalin: I appreciate Comrades Horsemen coming to aid Mother Russia, but I have made big deal with Germany, so they will not be attacking.

Kronos: Blast it, Mr. Premier! The Nazis are not to be trusted! They're like we--used to be!

(Audience)

K: Oh, Macleod! You're Mother slept with every man in the village! Your Father wasn't really your father at all!

D: One, it was a custom for her to do that, and two, of course he wasn't my father!

K:Oh, yeah, that foundling thing. Well, kill me anyway. Please? Pretty Please?

(Stage)

Stalin: Do you have evidence of Nazi betrayal?

Cass: Last night we got this word from Hitler...

Meth: He said he would invade your country...

Kr: So, C'mon Stalin, C'mon Stalin...

Caspian: C'Mon Stalin!

Silas: C'mon, Stalin!

All 5: Please Stop Him, Oh yeah, fore he stops you; Please Stop Him, Oh, yeah, fore he stops You!

Narrator: And so did the Four Horsemen turn back the Nazi tide, with Kronos personally delivering the death blow to the Nazi Dictator!

(Audience)

Kronos: I killed Hitler! I KILLED HITLER! I liked Hitler!

Duncan: Because of his savagery?

K: Nah, he was an amateur. But those uniforms were just cool.

(Stage)

1992

K: So, young man, you wish to be Methos' replacement, now that he's leaving us. What makes you think you have what it takes? Just what is your name?

D: Well, Mr. Kronos, my name is Duncan Macleod, and this is my little sister Amanda, who I call Clyde. I'll make you proud, sir, if you just give me a chance.

(Audience)

D: Join--The Horsemen?

A: Little Sister---CLYDE!!?

K: He's betrayed me again!

Silas: If you mix the cheese popcorn with the caramel, Mister Ebert says it tastes really good!

(Stage)

Duncan: Oh, Horsemen please take me on board; We're gonna ride til the last Immortal's done; Ride in the sun; Til we've all won; Have me a time learning how to be cool; Derailing a midnight train; severing the tracks and causing the engine to go; fast but not slow; And Kronos don't you know; We'll make a living hell out of all mass transit;

Kronos: Duncan Macleod; You're a One-Time-Foe; But I think we'll give it a great big go; So hop on your pony cause our ride keeps goin on; Kill Em all; Kill em all; Or at least we used to; Cracklin' Thunder; Hear our Roar...

Duncan: Gee, Silas. How did the Horsemen get together, way back when?

Silas: Glad you asked, Duncan. You see...Kron and Methie were gettin kinda antsy just to leave the mass killing behind; Sil and Caspie; Workin off their aspies; trying to put some lives on the line; Then Cassandra joined our merry pack; At every opportunity; She'd wash her back; I am not a liar; We set bunch of fires, cause that's what we were aimin at; And everyone had on clothes except crazy Cass!

Duncan: A simple 'we met' would have sufficed

(Wedding Bells Ring)

Father Mulcahy: Methos and Cassandra, I now pronounce you husband and wife!

BooooHOOO!! NOOOOO!!!

M: Oh, Kronos, stop bawling!

K: It isn't me, its Silas!

Caspian: Silas, what's wrong?

Silas: Duncan's joined us, but you two are leaving. We'll never see each other again!

Cass: Oh, that'll never happen!

Meth: A-Wop-Bam-A-loo-Bam-A-Wop-Bam-Boom!

Kron: We go together like..Punch-apunchapuncha

DM: You're my new brothers, we'll...sliceadiceasliceadipdidid

Caspian: Chopp-chop-choppiedty-choppa-chop, one of us will be the one-Owowowow!

All: We'll always be together....We'll always be together....We all will live forever....

(PLAY ENDS)

(Duncan walks up to the orchestra, throws them a few thousand in cash)

DM: Maestro, the theme from Benny Hill, if you would be so kind!

Methos: (In Balcony) Uh-oh!!

(With lots of angry Immortals chasing them, Methos, Silas and Caspian run for their lives)

Kronos: Come back, brothers! I wish only to talk with you! Whilst gouging something out, mind you!

DM: METHOS!! METHOS!!!

Spiny Norman: DINSDALE! DINSDALE!!!

Lt. Gerard: KIMBLE!! KIMBLE!!!

Kenneth Starr: MR. PRESIDENT! MR. PRESIDENT!

(Kronos kills him)

K: No way was I gonna be subpoenaed!

All: Look, there they are!

M: Nowhere To Run!

Caspian: Not To Be!

Silas: Finale, Parts 1 and 2!

Crow T. Robot: Hey, guys!

Tom Servo: You can use our transport!

Mike Nelson: Yeah, hop in! Its all yours!

Methos: Thanx, guys! And after all the mean things we said about you MSTers!

(The three fleeing Immortals get in, and the transport takes off)

Mike: WE'RE FREE!

Crow: SUCKERS!

Tom: Oh, Methos! Did we mention that that transport is one-way? We didn't--oops!

UP ABOVE: Earth's Orbit

Mrs. Forrester: So, your Movie today is Highlander 3: The Producer's Cut, which is even more badly edited than usual. Take care, Menthos!

Silas: We have no choice.

Caspian: We have to stay.

Methos: Down there, they'd kill us!

All: WE HAVE MOVIE SIGN! AAAAAGGGHHHH!!!!!

Back On Earth

Kronos: Ok, Macleod, let's be generous with that Holy Water! This theatre needs a DEEP cleansing!

DM: Especially here.

K: Why there?

DM: That's where Silas was sitting. Wait, Amanda, don't smoke near where Silas was.....

"HORSEMEN-THE MUSICAL---BRINGS THE HOUSE DOWN!!"

"A BURNING SENSATION!"

"YOU WON'T FORGET THIS ONE!"

"IT LEAVES AN IMPRESSION"

(Everyone except Amanda cleared out in time. She stands there, hair turned white, melted cigarette in hand)

Amanda: You know, Duncan, this wasn't a very good night at the theatre.

Badadadada-Dum! 


	8. Brother Kronos' Galloping Ruination Show

**Brother Kronos Galloping Ruination Show**  
by Rob Morris

(Kronos is singing onstage)

(Tune of 'Brother Love's Traveling Salvation Show')

K: Hot Bronze Age night  
And the heads laying round  
And the gore on the ground smelling sweet

Ride up the road  
To the remains of town  
And the sound of those villagers' screams

Sits four regal tents  
From where you just can't flee  
And that Immortal group  
Telling you and me  
It's Them;  
Brother Kronos--  
Brother Kronos Galloping Ruination Show

So send off the babies  
And leave the old ladies  
For soon blood will flow  
Cause everyone knows  
when Pestilence shows

The air gets suddenly thick  
And when you start to wish  
They would get it over with, he rides in

Eyes black as coal  
And when he shows his mask  
Then the grisliest task is on him  
Shaking all the lands  
Like when Atlantis went  
And when he rides out  
Your fortunes are spent

It's Brother Kronos--  
Brother Kronos Galloping Ruination Show

So seal up the tombs  
And fill up the grain rooms  
But don't get too bored  
Cause no one escapes from Brother Kron's sword

(Kronos preaches onstage)

K: Brothers! I say Brothers! Your fellow man is before you--and he needs killing! Now you have two good hands in front of you. So why are you only carrying one weapon? Don't make the poor man wait. You need to deliver him---to me!

(Singing resumes)

I'll take your heads tonight  
Don't try to run away  
With your hearts I swear  
I will make ashtrays

It's Kronos-Brother Kronos-  
Brother Kronos Galloping Ruination Show  
Its Pestilence Time and I've run out of rhymes and its now time to go--  
before Kronos and his Brothers bring us all low....

(The number concludes; Kronos bows; Caspian and Silas are on keyboards)

Kronos: Now, you all may have heard--that Methos left the group. But until we find him--and we will find you, Methos!--let me introduce our new Death--Brother Neil Diamond!

(Dressed in armor with half his face blue, Diamond strides out with a microphone in hand, and looks at the other Horsemen. Smiles)

(Tune of 'Hello Again')

ND: Hellooo, Brothers...Hello. Its good to see you all. No band has  
been more cruel or feared, and our ride begins...and we'll always  
win… Hello.

(ND and Kronos sing together)

ND: Maybe the end is coming...

Kronos: And maybe we're to blame

ND+K: But we'll take your hearts and then your heads

K: We blot out the sun...

ND: When our ride is on...

K+ND: Hellllooo

(Silas whispers)

Silas: Caspian--the music sheets for 'Sweet Caroline' have gone missing.

(Caspian gulps)

Caspian: Tell Kronos first. Neil--frightens me.

(A woman with a curly hairdo and a large schnozzola walks in; begins singing; Points at Neil D.)

(Tune of 'You Don't Bring Me Flowers')

Barbara Streisand: You attacked my village; You killed all my people

Neil D: I don't know what you're talking about; I don't recall having seen you before

BS: Don't you dare lie to me; You used to hold and taunt me

Neil D: But it was a different age back then; We all lived by much different rules

BS: Do you remember when; You told me you revived me; That I better not flee

Neil D: You learned how to obey; And you learned you were mine

Together (Pull swords and prepare for battle) Now I think that its time that we both said goodbye..

Kronos: You better go home now, folks. It's only going to get sillier...oh, bugger!

(Duncan Macleod walks out, Microphone in hand; Points at Kronos)

(Tune of Sweet Caroline)

DM: Where it began; when I would start to hunt you; In the Old West you were going strong; Was in that small town. You and your comancheros..

K: Who'd believed you'd come along?

(END)


	9. The Lost Sidekicks

**The Lost Sidekicks**  
by Rob Morris

(Seeking comfort after Richie's death, Duncan goes to a support group for people who have lost their sidekicks; Various heroes sit around)

(Batman stands up)

Batman : My name is Bruce.

Group : Hello, Bruce.

Bat : My sidekick was taken from me when the Joker beat him half to death and then blew him up in a locked house.

Counselor Troi : And what have you done to get past that tragedy, Bruce?

Bat : I'm on Robin #3!

Troi : Now, everyone. Has Bruce really dealt with his emotions?

Group : NO!!

(Captain America stands up)

CA : My name is Steve.

Group : Hello, Steve!

CA : I lost my sidekick when Baron Zemo tied us both to a rocket which he then blew up.

Troi : Steve, what have you done to try and deal with all this?

CA : I continue to serve as a living symbol of liberty!

Troi : Really? Is liberty like denial?

(Green Hornet stands up; Duncan's turn is next)

GH : My name's Britt.

Group : Hello, Britt!

GH : I lost my sidekick to a Hollywood career. He also had better moves than me.

Troi : So he just left you?

GH : The way they left all of you, too. I say, the next guy that speaks, we help him by seeking out and finding his sidekick's killer! Who's with me?!

Group : YEAH! YEAH! KILL THE.....

(Duncan stands up)

Duncan : Er, my name is Duncan.

Group : Hello, Duncan!

(DM nervously looks about; Sees the fury on the group's faces)

Duncan : I lost my sidekick when a demon caused me to.....

(He realizes that this group just might not understand Richie's fate)

Duncan : Wait...I shouldn't be here....until I find the creep that did this....BYE!!

(Very hurriedly runs off; They all stare in dumb silence)

Troi : I guess I'll continue. We lost our own sidekick when he disgraced himself at Starfleet Academy in a very out of character episode....

(We go down the hall; Seated in another group are Garak from DS9, Xanatos from Gargoyles, and Ares from Xena, among others)

Counselor : The Turning Your Back On All That Support Group will now begin its Thursday session. State your name.

(A certain 5000 year old stands up)

Methos : My name is lost in memory so deep and so vast, it questions mankind's feeble conception of their origins to even contemplate the why and where.....

Group : (Cuts him off) Hello, Methos!


	10. Flashback Backlash

**Flashback Backlash**  
by Rob Morris

Amanda: Duncan, who the hell was that creep?

Duncan : Anros Skolaren. We've met.

( Flashback to the Russian Steppes )

**1875 **

Skolaren : Good evening, Macleod! We meet again, and soon you'll be meat!

Duncan : Let the girl go, Skolaren. She's no part of this.

Skolaren: Ah, yes. The "Rules". Problem is, children make such interesting diversions. I sincerely think that with her young life as the price of my defeat, you'll not be at fighting trim! For, you see...

Duncan : You maniac-let…

Skolaren: Temper, Duncan, mustn't insult..

( They are interrupted by the talk of another pair, who just happen to be in the area)

Nick : But, are we not all living things together?

Lacroix : Yes, NIcholas. But there is a food chain. Would you have the humans extend your ethics to cows and pigs?

Nick: THEY ARE NOT cattle, Lacroix, and all your sophistry can not make them so!

Lacroix : What you have always failed to understand about our kind, my son...  
( Skolaren looks over, quite peeved )

Skolaren : See here, you two! Move along! You're interfering with a Highlander flashback!

Lacroix : We were here, first. It is you who are interfering with a Forever Knight flashback! Nicholas has to recollect this talk we had to deal with a Radical Animal Rights Group in 1994!

Skolaren : Oh, I'm impressed. Look, Duncan has to remember this, catch a thief, sleep with Amanda, AND find ten children I've hidden before I get trimmed!

( Lacroix and Skolaren start in, yelling at each other at the top of their lungs. Duncan and Nick hang back. This sort of thing has happened before)

Duncan : Nick.

Nick: Mac. How's Tessa?

Duncan : Dead. Natalie?

Nick : The same. 

( Yet another pair wander in )

Old Master : So, Grasshopper. What did you learn from the Cossack's fury?

Cain : Master, I learned nothing. His fury was like a heady brew, but my thirst remains.

Old Master: Such thirst is never quenched. It compares to...

Lacroix: Move on! This is definitely not a "Kung Fu" flashback!

Old Master : Are You so sure, nightcrawler? Or does your inability to see the Sun make you blind?

Skolaren: Please, the two of you! You are both regulars! The only other time I make an appearance is as one of Horton's henchmen-and SyFy has been editing me out of that!

( As the argument escalates, a lone disheveled figure walks up to Mac, Nick, and Cain.)

Man: What're those guys doin'?

Duncan : An Old Argument.

Nick : With wounded pride and arrogance.

Cain : And Incomprehensible metaphors.

Man : Well, I am the Reverend Jim Ignatauski, and this is the weirdest Acid flashback I've ever had! Wait'll I tell Latka!

Duncan: Latka Gravas still lives!?

Nick : Mac, let it go!

Cain : No good can come of your anger.

Duncan : SOMEDAY, Gravas!

Jim : Anybody want a ride home?

( Sensing the argument has no end in sight, the four men pile into Jim's cab, despite the fact it wasn't invented in 1875.)

**1994**

Louie dePalma: ( Into the PA at Sunshine Cab Co.) Rieger! Macleod! Banta! Knight! Cain! Wheeler! Kent! Iggy! Beckett!Nardo! Ripley! Parker! Darien! Kirk! San Francisco......


	11. Like Taking Candy

**Like Taking Candy...**  
by Rob Morris

( We see Duncan and Ann, not long after the birth of her child, out having dinner )

Waiter : Dessert, Madame?

Duncan : Go on, "Mommy". Anything you like!

Ann : Duncan! I just gave birth! I'm trying to shave a few pounds! That dessert tray is Fat City! I love chocolate, but...I'll have to pass....Oh, what the hell!

( Just then, in burst the 3 Musketeers )

1st Muskeeteer : Put down that chocolate, dear lady!

2nd Musketeer : Its not the fat you want, but the chocolatey taste!

3rd Musketeer : Like in our silvery-wrapped candy bar!

Ann : ( Reaches for the mousse cake ) Sorry, guys, but I really do want to indulge, just this....HEY!

( One of the musketeers has kicked the dessert cart away; The other two wander the restaurant, harassing customers )

2nd M - No, no Sir! That Fettucine Alfredo is heart attack on a plate! It won't do!  
( Pushes plate away )

3rd M - Children! That Free Popcorn is made with deadly Canola Oil! Eat some diced peppers, instead! Bring out --- the busboy!

( To Duncan's shock, the busboy is his old foe Kenny; He looks honestly scared )

Kenny : Help me, Macleod! I'll leave you be if you just get these goons off me!

Duncan : Kenny, who are these maniacs?

Kenny : They're---THE IMMORTAL FOOD POLICE! They have plans, Macleod! They have----AAARRGGH! ( Kenny is finished )

1st M - For the unspeakable crime of serving high-cholesterol salad dressings, this boy is taken! May the Lord C. Everett Koop have mercy on his soul!

Ann : Duncan! Oh, my God, They've killed Kenny!

Duncan : You Bastards! We came in here to indulge ourselves and have a little fun!

1st - Stay out of this, Macleod!

2nd - Fair Warning, Highlander!

3rd - You and Connor are already marked for over 75,000 corns on the cob! Oh, the butter! Plus, that vinagerette you're using is extremely high in sodium!

Duncan : The jury's still out on Sodium! Boy, you prigs are pieces of work! I wasn't expecting the Spanish Inquisition!

( Anyone who needs to be told what happens next should not be reading parodies. Oh, all right. Three Red-Robed Men burst in )

Torquemada : No one expects the Spanish Inquisition! Our two main weapons are stealth, fanaticism, and use in Pythonesque parodies!

1st M - That's 3!

Torq : All right, 3 then! Duncan Macleod, you are accused of heresy against the Mother Church!

Duncan : But my clan converted away from Rome in 1597!

Torq : Yes, you thought you got away with it, didn't you! But among our 3 pillars is record-keeping!

Ann : That makes 4!

Torq : All right, 4! Now, we bring out the comfy....

1st M - Keep your chair! A non-PC fool like Macleod must be force-fed oat muffins until he renounces his McDiet! He must tell us the hiding place of Ronald MacDonald of the Clan MacDonald, and that guy who makes the Donuts---Duncan Donuts!

Duncan : Never! The Hamburglar rode with me at Gunlenay! I'll not betray them, or Sam Breakstone!

Torq : Heresy and concubines!

1st M : Hershey Chocolates!

( The two groups of fanatics fight it out. Duncan seeks the maitre'd. )

Maitre'D : I am most sorry for this, Monsieur! Dinner is now compliments of the house! And to think, this is the OFF night for terrorists!

Duncan : Never mind that! Does your restaurant have a giant, descending fan?

Maitre'D : You mean, like at the end of Highlander 2? But of course, Sir! The building code demands it!

Duncan : Everyone clear out---except for the fanatics!

( Duncan hits the fan switch; the two groups do not notice the fan )

Torquemada : Die, Regulators of Monastery Wines!

1st Musketeer : Die, Eaters of chicken with the skin still on!

( The blade descends, taking out all six immortals at once )

Ann : Duncan?

Duncan : Yes, Ann?

Ann : Isn't there always a small storm when you kill one of your own?

Duncan : Yeah. Why?

Ann : What precisely happens when you kill six at once, with only one other Immortal present?

( Duncan's eyes bug out. He picks up Ann, and tries to make a run for it )

Newscaster on TV : Unconfirmed reports of a Class 3 tornado continue to pour in from a neighborhood that once housed a French restaurant. In other news, antiques magnate Duncan Macleod and his new wife and child have sold their business and surgical practice for 2$, American, and moved to parts unknown.

( Joe Dawson shuts off TV in his bar )

Joe : Yeah, hello? Watcher Council Europa? Uh-huh! It was a Class 3! I WIN THE POOL! Pay up!

Eventually, Ann and Duncan dissolved their marriage of convenience, but remain close. She is staff physician at Ben and Jerry's, while Duncan is temporarily the food taster for Nathan's Famous Hot Dogs. They both retain an uncontrollable fondness for peanuts and potato chips. In the end, no one can eat just one!

THIS LATE-BREAKING NEWS : AN ALUMNUS MEETING OF STATE AND FEDERAL SURGEONS GENERAL ENDED IN DISASTER WHEN THE ROOM WAS DOUSED WITH FAT-FREE OLEAN! MORE ON YOU, LATER!


	12. Comes A Ferengi

**Comes a Ferengi**  
by Rob Morris

(Rom sneaks up on Quark; Stabs him in the shoulder)

Rom : Greetings, Brother!

(Before pain sets in, Quark stares dumbly at his wound)

Quark : Rom---why did you just stab me?

Worf : And Why Did You Use My D'takh?

(Rom turns to Worf; sneers)

Rom : Shut up, Silas! We are brothers! We share everything!

Worf : Errrr--I'm going to go talk to Dax...

(Unafraid, Worf does run off)

(Quark is taken away to Sickbay)

Bashir : Trying to kill your brother again, Rom?

Rom : Oh, no...I can't kill him...He knows where Jake and Nog are!

Nog : Father...we're over here at Table Five.

Rom : (Smiles) Then the plan proceeds....

Leeta : Rom, Darling, I......

Rom : After all these centuries, you're still after my lobes, eh, Cassandra?

Leeta (Leaves crying) Oh....Prophets! Its his time of the month again!

Rom : Is that crying supposed to mean something to me?

(Finally, Sisko walks up)

Sisko : Rom--please just leave everyone alone.

Rom : Shaving off your ponytail doesn't fool me, Macleod! Now, cooperate, or....(Grabs Keiko) the girl dies!

(Keiko elbows him; Walks off)

Keiko : I should've stuck with Klinger.

Rom : Your little thief friend has spunk Macleod! Itll be mine when I take her head.

Sisko : (Gives up, walks away) Good. I hate spunk.

(Rom gets up on Dabo table)

Rom : I AM THE END OF PROFIT!!!!!

(Odo takes him off)

Odo : What could cause this madness?

MEANWHILE, IN 1996........

Methos : You SOLD the virus?

Kronos : To a large pharmaceutical concern, Brother! We stand to make quite a tidy sum.

Silas : Kronos....Caspian has been hired away by Smith-Barney.

Kronos : (Smacks him) Now we are but three! Release Cassandra and tell her to balance the books.

Cassandra : Would someone please kill me or get me a latte? These books are a bloody mess!

(Outside Submarine base)

(Duncan Macleod boards place up)

Joe Dawson : Mac, why the hell you doing that for?

Duncan : I'm stopping this madness, Joe, before it can spread.....

(A flash, and Duncan is in a white void)

Duncan : Tessa?

Tessa-Prophet : You Are The Duncan.

Richie-Prophet : You Are The Highlander

Joe-Prophet : Born 400 Years Ago In....

Duncan : Nooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

IN THE REAL WORLD......

Sisko : Methos, we'll help you find your friend....I swear. But how many dancing girls have you dated, in all?

Methos : A Thousand Rockettes, Sisko...A Thousand Rockettes.

HERE WE ARE.....AT THE END..thank the Prophets.


	13. Bizarro HL

**Bizarro HL**  
by Rob Morris

THE BRONZE AGE

(We see a village. Its people are dying from some manner of plague.)

Villager : Oh, who will help us?

(A rider comes through, his face masked)

Rider : I will, my good fellow. Here, these herbs should help get you folk back in the pink!

(The herbs are passed around; The cure is rapid)

Villager : Oh, sir! However may we repay you?

Rider : You need not, old father. For helping the weak and downtrodden is merely in a day's work for--The Four Horsemen Of The Genesis!

Villager : But that would make you.....

(The Rider unmasks; Its Kronos)

Kronos : Yes. I am the one who is called...Panacea! I seek cures to all man's ills! Now...I RIDE!!!!

Villager : Oh, Bless and keep the Four Horsemen!

(Kronos rides on, and joins up with the others, engaged in battle with bandits)

Silas : Keep back you fiends! Else you'll find that Pax packs a wallop!

Caspian : Anything to get your nose out of the scrolls, brother! You are too much the eggheaded intellectual for my tastes. Come now, bandits! Cornucopia may be a vegetarian, but my fists have enough meat to fry your bacon!

Silas : Would that I could keep my calm, even in battle, like my beloved brother Caspian does. Is there no limit to his reserves of patience and serenity?

(The bandits are routed on the right flank by Methos, who is protecting some children)

Methos : Run, little ones! Remember that you are our future! Now—for you vicious cutthroats.

Bandit : Flee! That's the best fighter of the bunch! That's----Life!

Methos : That's what all the people say.

(Kronos rides up, takes charge of the prisoners)

Kronos : Now, see that they're treated humanely. Make an offer of a meal and a horse, if they'll just go home and forget this bandits' life.

Silas : But brother--we'll simply have to fight most of them again. You are too generous, I think. I say--put them in a prison.

Methos : Now, Pax. We shouldn't have to remind you. If even one of them turns away from this existence, then it was all worth it.

Caspian : Besides, we have greater worries. Those were no mere bandits. They were in the employ of The Makled Clan Of Southern Caledonia, the fiercest barbarians ever to walk the Earth.

Kronos : You don't mean----

All : THE LOWLANDERS!!!!

All : Buh-Buh-Bum!!!

Methos : And there they are!

Silas : Oh, No! Its both Connqueror and The Dunnking.

(Up on the hill, their horses' lined with human heads, are the Makleds)

Connqueror : What say we kill these fools by category? I like a clean, thorough shave!!!!!

(Swings his sword around wildly)

Dunnking : Nahhh. Takes too long. I say, just kill em' all, and let Ahri--what's his face sort em' out!

Connqueror : I like the way you think, Dunnking. Can we count on Wretched Ryon's support for this battle?

Dunnking : Dunno. He's so blasted tricky.

Connqueror : Eh---he is The Oldest, after all. BEGIN THE ATTTAAACKKK!!

(Just then, a giant boulder blocks off the bandit armies)

Man : More death and destruction, Connqueror? I Don't Think SO!

(Methos sees a tall, muscled titan)

Methos : Why, it is our ally, Kurgules!

Silas : Surely his strength will win the day.

Kronos : Maybe for once, I can sit out this battle. I grow so weary of it all.

Kurgules : You and The Dunnking return to land-locked Britian, Connqueror! This is your first warning--ten more will follow.

Connqueror : Never! What good's life if you can't ruin someone else's?

Dunnking : Besides---There's lots of unwilling wenches I haven't kissed, just yet. I may even tongue-kiss some of them.

Methos : He's just so insensitive.

Kronos : You knew the job was dangerous when you took it, Brother!

Connqueror : Ride over the boulder!!!

(Suddenly, Kurgules and The Horsemen are fighting a desperate holding action)

Dunnking : We almost have them. I want mine to be the hand that tosses them into our dungeons for as much as ten years! BWAAHAHAHAHAHA----sorry.

(A yelping, war-whooping female voice breaks through)

Cass : Stay away from the men who reformed me from my evil ways! So swears Cassandra, Warrior Princess!

Methos : Glad to see you, my dear. I owe you an Omellette!

(But another female now joins the Makleds)

Woman : Well, well, well--if it isn't the sickeningly good-hearted Cassandra!

Cassandra : Amandsto? Did you dye your hair? It looks great!

(Again, the battle turns toward the Bandits; But Silas espies a friendly army)

Silas : Ho! It is Lacroix and his Children Of The Sunlight! We are saved!

Connqueror : Not those garlic-eating religious maniacs!

(At the top of the hill is Lacroix, who turns to the audience)

Lacroix : You can leave now, folks. From here---it only gets sillier.


	14. Being Candid

**Being Candid**  
by Rob Morris

(TV host Allen Funt steps out before the audience)

AF : Hi, Folks, and welcome to another edition of Candid Camera, where Immortals are caught in the act of being themselves. Let's get right to today's first stunt.

(We see Glenfinnan, 1618)

AF : Connor Macleod has just been wounded unto death. Let's watch his  
village's reaction.

1st man : Aye, if Connor gets up from this, it'll be God's own miracle!

2nd man : He's healing a might. Heaven smiles upon us.

Woman : I'd want to marry such a reborn man as that.

(Cut back to Funt)

AF : Now, this scene was just a little TOO peaceful for my taste. Watch what happens to these local yokels when we, ignoring all time, place, common sense, and decency, bring in the wizards from Industrial Light And Magic.

(A red, horned demon appears in Glenf.)

ILM Demon : I am come for my servant, Connor Macleod! Has my dark power revived him yet? If not--feed him your youngest children!

(Cut to scene of Connor pleading as he is banished)

AF : Boy, the look on his face. Now, again ignoring all temporal laws, we flash back to Rome, 44 BC. The Horsemen just killed Caesar, initiating a civil war. What a triumphant moment for these dark riders. But Methos made the mistake of riding to accept Gaul's surrender. That left Kronos alone--with us. Watch the wacky mayhem.

(Rome, Kronos gestures)

K : You! Have you seen Methos?

AF : Welllll.....he did mention something to me.

K : Out with it!

AF : He kind of said that riding with you had become boring. He left you.

K : Whaaat? How could he betray me like that? Tell me where he is, if you value your life!

(Cut back to stage)

AF : Well, HE was plenty ticked, lemme tell ya. So see what we did next.

(Kronos enters Greek tomb)

K : Brother! Oh, BROTHER!!! Methos, I know you're in....was that a door closing?

(Back to stage)

AF : We're not even really sure how long he was in that tomb! Are we wild tonight or what? Finally, we implanted a post-hypnotic suggestion in Duncan Macleod that makes him, in ambiguous situations, spare people he shouldn't. Here it is :

(We see Duncan in various HL scenes)

DM : Keogh, you stalked that girl until you caused her death, and I've a feeling its not the first time. Now--get on out of here!

DM : Kristin, I just can't kill a woman, except for Nefetiri and that lady killing the right-wing maniacs, and Amanda if I thought she was in something bad, and....

DM : You know, Felice Martins, I have a feeling that you might come after me again. Eh--That's Life.

DM: Yes, you've become a reckless drug addict and killed hundreds by unbuckling roller coaster restraints. But you're good people.

(Stage)

AF : Ha-Ha! That's almost as good as that punker haircut we convinced The Kurgan to get right before his untimely demise. Well, that's all we have for tonight, folks. Be here next week when Tessa leaves Duncan, fakes her death--and comes back as an actress impersonating herself! And I'd like to thank tonight's audience from The Kimmortality Society. Heh. Wonder what that's about?

(Kronos and Kurgan step from behind the curtain; Funt gulps)

Kurgan : To quote the great Kubrick.....

Kronos :....methinks it's time for a little ultra-violence!

(They wave at audience as a pleading Funt is dragged off)


	15. Don't Go There!

**Don't Go There, Man!**  
By Rob Morris

(Directly after the events of "Revelation 6:8)

Duncan: Listen, Methos. You and Cassandra may be done for now, but if there was ever anything there, she'll come around - it may be in 6997, you understand, but she will come around.

Methos: Interesting theory, Macleod! Why don't we flash forward and find out if you're correct!

Duncan: We can't do that! We can only flashback!

Methos: Oh, don't be a stick-in-the-mud! Let's go!

Duncan: Methos, don't..........

**THE YEAR 6997 - THE FUTURE - OR SOMETHING **

Quentin: But If I have their knowledge, then why....

Ramirez: You have their knowledge, but not their wisdom! That will only come when...

Duncan: AAAAAAHHHHHHH! METHOS! You bloody fool! You've flashed us forward into that animated Nightmare!

Methos: Oh, God, Duncan! I didn't mean to! I'll-I'll take us back! (They disappear)

Quentin: Ramirez! Who were they?

Ramirez: That, my young Highlander, is something you will have to learn for yourself, on the road to stopping Kortan's rule!

Quentin: The road to stopping Kortan's rule?

Little Sister: The Road to Stop Kortan?

All together: "Oh, we're on the road to Stop Kortan....We certainly Do Get Arouuuuound! Boom-chekee-boom-chekee-boom!"

**STILL NOT THE PRESENT **

(WELL, TECHNICALLY THIS IS THE 5TH SEASON, BUT, LIKE, IT'S THEIR PRESENT, OK? ONLY IT'S NOT. STILL.)

Methos: Mac, is it me, or has the cinematography level gone up?

Duncan: Look at that red sky! My God, we could never afford an SPFX like that!

Methos: Red Sky?

Duncan: RED SKY?

Together: WE'RE IN THE 2ND MOVIE! AAAAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGH!

Old Connor: Will you two keep it down? We're trying to ruin a perfectly good franchise here!

Together: Too Late!

(From out of the sky come Katana's warriors, looking to finish Connor)

Bird-thing: Ah, quality meat!

Korda: Tastes so sweet!

(Duncan takes one of the bird-things, and raps its soundly on its bald pate, slapping it hundreds of times. It tries to walk away, but Duncan follows, continuing to slap his bald head)

Korda: Say! You can't do that!

(Korda tries to take a swipe at Macleod, but only manages to rip off the dress of Connor's girlfriend. Upset, she hits him with her purse. As he tries to run, she continues to hit him, no matter how fast he runs)

Old Connor: Hey, watch it! I need those guys to move the plot along!

Methos: Why? None of this ever happened!

Old Connor: Oh, that's it! Put em' up!

(Methos and Old Connor shadow-box one another, in an awkward motion. Methos then spins his right arm like a clock, distracting Connor, who he clocks with his left.)

Duncan: Methos, it's gotten worse!

(Out walks a middle-aged, chubby Englishman wearing small spectacles)

Benny Hill: Alright, folks! We've had a lovely show! Them Immortals sure can dance! Now, the lovely Hill's Angels would be out now, but (Holds up about 15 bathing suits) HA! They've nothing to wear! Not a lot of people know that!

(At that, 15 very upset quite naked young women walk out and start pummeling Benny; They continue to do so, using him as the ball for their nude volleyball tournament. Lucky for him, Benny has become a plastic dummy)

Methos: Macleod, they're starkers!

Duncan: Methos, these aren't the Eurominutes! Get us out of here!

(They vanish)

**SEPTEMBER, 1966-BC **

Duncan: Where are we now?

Methos: We're at a beach-house that Kronos, Silas, Caspian, and myself shared in the negative 1960's. Oh, those were grand times. The landlord always threatening to throw us out, us always scamming for gigs, killing who we could for bread. It was a groovy scene, Man!

Duncan: Methos, why are we here?

Methos: Wait, Man. Me and the guys are outside, singin' our war song! Listen!

The Horsemen: "Here We Come--Ridin' Down The Hill---We Get The Funniest Looks From--Everyone We Kill---Hey, Hey, We're The Horsemen---And People Say We're Horsin' Around---But We're Too Busy Slayin'---To Put Anybody Down---We're Just Tryin' To Be Ruthless--So Come And Watch Us Cleave and Flay--Cause' We're The First Generation--And We Got Somethin' To Say--Hey, Hey, We're The Horsemen--You Never Know Where We Will Strike--So You Better Get Ready--We Might Put You Upon Our Pike!"

Duncan: All four of you! Listen, Methos, we have to find a temple and lay low till we can get ourselves home!

(Methos merely shakes his head)

Methos: "Oh, I could hide-Neath the shade of Holy Ground, As We Wait--The Gathering Alarm would never ring--Oh, but it rings, I hit the floor---Clean the bone off of my sword--and take care of some errands and things---Cheer up, Duncan M-Oh, what can it mean--To A –Highland Immortal- And a Killing Machine- You once thought of me- As this nice little fellow- Now you know how vicious-I can be-And it has you seeing Red- Soon you'll chop off Richie's head-And for one season more, you'll be King;Cheer Up, Duncan M, oh what can it mean, to a -Highland Immortal-and a once former fieeeennd! (Applause)

(Outside, younger Methos is talking with Kronos)

Kronos: What do you see in that Nothing, Cassandra!

Methos: Oh, you wouldn't understand. The only one you love is Mistress Death.

Kronos: Aye, mightily do I love her. Before her, I was nothing!

Methos: And What Are You now?

Kronos: "I thought War was only true in history books; Fought by someone else but not by me; Thugs were out to get me; That's the way it lead; Pretty soon it seemed they'd have my head; Then I saw her Face;  
Now I am a Reaver;  
Not a trace; Of Mercy In Me; I'm in love; I am a Reaver; and I would  
cleave her, if I died; I thought Pain was more or less a given thing;  
But it seemed the more I stabbed; the less I shot; What's the use in  
killing; In Greece or in Spain; Or even on the Serengeti Plain; Then I  
saw her face; Now I am a Reaver; Not a trace; Of Conscience in Mind; I'm  
a Thug: and I am a Reaver I couldn't leave her; she would cry…(Applause)

Duncan: (Holds his sword to present Kronos' throat) If they start on "Pleasant Valley Sunday", then I-WILL-KILL-YOU!

Methos: Don't be absurd! Pleasant Valley wasn't even founded till Ramses III!

(They vanish)

**September 21, 1998 -AD **

Duncan: Are We Back?

Methos: Almost. We slipped up by one and one half-years.

Duncan: Close enough. After all, what could happen in 18 months that would be so horrible?

Methos: I've been around, and the answer to that is simple: Absolutely nothing!

(In walks Amanda)

Amanda: Hey, guys! I thought you two were off searching for Connor!

(Both men go to speak, but notice - to their Horror - That Amanda has CHANGED!)

D and M: AAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGHHHH! WHITE HAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!

(As the two men jump through the window to escape, their screams fill the night air)

Amanda: Hey, guys! You dropped ----your book. "How To Travel Through Time". Cool. I should try this. After all, where's the harm? (The lights dim, and we pull away from Amanda)

Rod Serling: Submitted for your approval. A parody with no specific theme. An effort to gain attention by a would-be writer whose "Star Trek vs. King Ghidorah" fanfic isn't going very well, and needs some ego padding. Well, he won't get it here. .Zone already rejected this mess. Although, I do have to concede, that white hair does make me wanna puke AAAAARRGGHHHHH! (Jumps Through The Window)

Amanda: (Shaking her head, quite upset) I'm - I'm not changing it back! I mean it! Really! I'm not kidding! (Looks In The Mirror) See, it's not all that...AAAAAAARRRGGH! (Jumps)

A COWARD ENDURES A THOUSAND DEATHS, BUT AMANDA SHOULD HAVE DYED ONLY ONCE


	16. Young Joe Dawson

**Young Joe Dawson**  
by Rob Morris

A SMALL TOWN IN NORTH AMERICA, LATE 1950'S

JD : "My name is Joey Dawson, and I am part of a secret society of young men who stake out a perch above one of the local swimming holes--the ones where the girls go swimming in the summer with no clothes on. We are Gawkers. We are sworn to observe which ones start to fill out--but never make them aware of our presence. One day, my oath was put to the test. It wasn't my fault, though."

SIX WEEKS EARLIER

( Joey sits with Jimmy Horton )

JD : Hey, Jimmy, what's that you're holding?

JH : Its Danielle Stenton's clothes. I took them from her while she swam.

JD : But that violates our Gawker's oath!

JH : Your story. I say--let them wander around naked all the time!

JD : Jimmy--I think she has more clothes at home.

JH : Don't worry, Joseph--we have plans in motion that will soon eliminate all female clothing!

* * *

JD : I started to suspect that Jimmy had lost perspective. My sister said that part of this stemmed from her own decision to delay putting out for him until her 16th birthday. After I threw up at this thought, I decided this was not a good enough reason for his insanity. The next time Jimmy struck at Danielle, I was ready.

* * *

Danielle Stenton : Oh, where are they!!!

JD : Psst! Here they are ( Throws them )

DS : Heyyyyy---have you been gawking at me?

JD : Err...Yes.

DS : Oh. Gee. Is my butt alright? ( Turns )

JD : Faa-Faa-Faa-FIne!

DS : Say---have you gawked at Sadie?

JD : Yeah, once or twice.

DS : Does she stuff? Because, she turns her back to us as she gets in the water, then stays half-under and waits til everyone has left.

JD : Danielle, revealing that would violate my Gawker's Oath.

DS : I'll let you keep Gawking, if you tell me. Plus, I'll clue you in as to where the Sorority girls do their swim.

JD : Sadie stuffs---whole BOXES of tissue into her---

* * *

JD : Yes, I had crossed the line. But Danielle was a line into what the girls were thinking. She provided information that I would not have otherwise had access to. Plus, once, when the Church Ladies almost found the girls' swimming hole, I was able to run back to their homes and grab a bunch of bathing suits. It was almost the end, for both Swimmers and Gawkers, that day. Then Jimmy struck hard. I had to act.

* * *

JH : ( Has a bunch of guys with him, runs wildly toward the shore ) All right, girls--OUT where we can see em'! My friends here have a LOT of film to shoot. We have your clothes--don't even think about running--we have telephoto lenses.

Girl1 : What'll we do?

Girl2 : I guess we better do what he says.

Girl3 : Why? The water's warm, and he has to leave eventually.

Girl2 : Yeah, but its the 1950's and he's a boy!

JD : Stay in, girls! Jimmy, you take these guys and go--or I'll tell my sister!

JH : NO, Joey! She might delay--ya know--again.

JD : Your Call, Horton.

JH : Jerk! Just for that--You're not a Gawker anymore!

JD : Jimmy, its one thing to invade their privacy and demean their dignity by Gawking. But terrorizing them on the Shore goes way over. Plus, you know that Gawkers are forbidden to use cameras.

Girl2 : Why is that? That's dumb. I mean, there are cameras that don't need a flash.

Danielle : Hush!

JD : No, Danielle, she's right. It was dumb, and counter to our seeming main objective. But you can't really capture the magic of that sunlit body shooting out of the water--any more than you can explain how I came to admire the way Danielle defended her friends when the others would tease them. Sometimes, Gawkers, you have to stop Gawking and make an awkward grab. That's just life.

JH : Then stay here and rot with your precious naked girls! Go underwater and watch for all I care!

* * *

JD : That's just what I did. By the next summer, I was a fixture at the swimming hole--and the girls had all filled out big time. In fact, it was 37 positive pregnancy tests a couple of years later that set me on the path to Nam'. Years later, I met up again with Danielle--not one of the 37, due to precautions--and started going out with her again just before an Immortal who wanted vengeance on Duncan ran her over. I therefore never had a chance to tell Danielle the truth---I had cameras positioned all over that Lake!!! Oops-gotta go--Mac's fighting somebody or other, starts with a K---


	17. Welcome Back, Connor

**Welcome Back, Connor**  
by Rob Morris

(In the fictional NYC Boro of New Glenfinnan, we see Connor Macleod with his wife Julie. Connor is about to begin his first day of teaching at Darius Buchanan High School, his alma mater )

Connor : Julie?

Julie : Yes, Connor?

Connor : Did I ever tell you the one about my kinsman, Duncan?

Julie : You know--you never did.

Connor : Seems Duncan was all of six when he spotted a pregnant woman at the market. So he asks her a question.

Julie : What DOES he ask her?

Connor : He asks ; 'Excuse me. lady, what is that bulge in yer stomach?'

Julie : And she says?

Connor : She says ; 'That, lad, is my wee baby.'

Julie : To which Duncan said?

Connor : Duncan says ; 'Do you love the wee baby?'

Julie : No.

Connor : Yeah. All Immortals are fascinated by pregnancy, whether we realize it or not. So she tells him, rather snidely ; 'Well, I love him a great deal more than yer parents love yew, ye damned changeling!'

Julie : Oh. Did Duncan cry?

Connor : Not his style. But he did respond in kind to her words. Yeah. He asked ; 'Well, ye great cow, if ye love him so much, then why'd ye eat him?'

(Julie groans)

WELCOME BACK CONNOR WAS FILMED BEFORE A LIVE AUDIENCE OF IMMORTALS, WHICH QUICKLY DWINDLED TO ONLY...WELL, YOU KNOW

(Theme song begins)

Welcome Back--To That Place From Which You Were Cast Out;

Welcome Back--To That Place You Were Reluctant To Talk About

Oh, I Know That Your Clan Disowned You By Word; And The Kurgan's Laughter You Always Heard

You Didn't Die When They Shot You; It Was Ramirez Who Taught You

With Our Teacher We Have Fun; There Can Be Only One; Welcome Back

Welcome Back; Welcome Back; Welcome----AAAARGGGHHH!!!!

(In the studio, Connor stabs John Sebastian)

Connor : Do YOU believe in Magic, Mister Lovin' Spoonful? Feh! They shoulda got Queen!

----------------------------------------------  
(At Darius Buchanan High, Connor walks with the Vice-Principal, Joe Dawson)

VPD : Connor, I'm assigning you to the Remedial Immortals, on orders of Principal Lazarus.

Connor : Principal LAZARUS?

VPD : Don't Start, Connor. Just go teach those braindead Remedial Immortals.

Connor : Remedial Immortals? You're giving me The SweatHorsemen?

VPD : Well, why not? It was you who founded that little clique, wasn't it?

Connor : No, I Don't Think So. A Little Before My Time.

VPD : Oh. Sorry, Connor. That's the last time I get my info from Wojo on Barney Miller! Good luck teaching--you'll need it.

Connor : Wait--just how am I supposed to deal with these people?

VPD : Easy, Connor. They're not people--They're SweatHorsemen!! HA-HA!

(Connor enters the classroom)

Connor : Hey, everyone! I'm Connor Macleod of The Clan Macleod, but you can call me Mister Connor.

(Seated are about five Immortals we know, and about fifteen who could fall under a Zamboni, for all we care)

Connor (Looks at first student) : What' s your name?

Richie : Who?

Connor : You.

Richie : What?

Connor : Your--Name.

Richie : When?

Connor : Now--would be nice.

Richie : Why?

Connor : Frankly, I don't know why anymore!

Richie : (Stands up) Hey, mebbe you don't understand...I am Richie Babaryan, and I.....

(Connor decapitates him)

Connor : Archangel came a bit early. Next?

Student 2 : Hi There. Mister Connor, I am Xavier 'Boom-Boom' St. Cloud.

Connor : They call you 'Boom-Boom' because you make a 'Boom-Boom' sound all the time?

XSC : Nah. Ya see, Mister Con-ner, I had to give up the nerve gas, so now I use explosives.

(Connor takes him)

Connor : Bye There! Next?

Student 3 : Hey, Mister Connor--I'm Juan Epstein Ramirez--kinsman to your mentor! I was voted 'Most Likely To Teach Quentin In That Lame Animated Series'.

(Connor kills him)

Connor : That sealed his fate. Next?

Student 4 : Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Mister Connor! Moy name is Arnold Fitzcairn! Fitzcairn is a very old and respected name. It means 'Smash your guitar on the ground'. Heh-heh-ehahahehe!!!

(Yup. Him too!)

Connor : He should've stuck with McVicar!

(By the end of the day, all the students, including Nefertiri 'Hotsie' Totsie, have all been done away with. Vice-Principal Dawson walks in, shakes his head)

VPD : Connor--you know what this means?!

(Smiles, and shakes Connor's hand)

VPD : It means we FINALLY have a teacher who can handle Remedial Ed! This'll fit in great with Giuliani's plans.

(Connor goes home to tell Julie)

Connor : Julie, great news! I......

(Julie has hung herself; Connor sees a note)

Connor : 'Dear Connor--I love you, but can bear no more kinsman jokes--Julie'

(He sits down, upset and depressed)

(An hour later, he picks up the phone)

Connor : Vice-Principal Dawson? Its me, Connor. Did I ever tell you the one about my kinswoman Rachel? Well, she was tending bar when these two Immortal Penguins walk in, and.........

(Closing Theme)

YEAH, NOW WE ARE ALL DEAD, BECAUSE YOU CUT OFF ALL OUR HEADS, WELCOME BACK--WELCOME BACK--WELCOME BACK---WELLLCOMME BACKKKK!!

(Closing Credits--Connor takes the two kids riding bikes, just to be sure)

COPYWRONG MCMLXXIXYLOPHONE

AN OVER GABE KAPLAN'S DEAD BODY PRODUCTION

Next on Welcome Back, Connor :

Connor : Caspian--where are all your classmates?

Caspian : Oh, I butchered them, and cooked them up. Want some, Mister Connor?

(At first, Connor is disgusted; Then he shrugs)

Connor : Why Not? They've gotta taste better than Brenda's Tuna Casserole!

(Canned Laughter)


	18. The Really Odd Couple

**The Really Odd Couple**  
by Rob Morris

On November 13, Duncan Macleod Of The Clan Macleod was asked to remove himself from his place of residence. That request came from his protege, whose head Duncan had tried to take during a Dark Quickening. ( We see a hand outside the door handing DM his sword ) Deep down, he knew Richie was right. But he also knew, after working the dinner theater circuit in Waukegan and Atlantic City, he would return to him. Having nowhere else to go, he appeared at the home of his onetime friend Doctor David Banner. Years earlier, Banner's wife had thrown him out, requesting that he never return, til he can quell the raging spirit that dwells within him. Can two sci-fi characters from canceled series share a barge without driving each other crazy?

THE REALLY ODD COUPLE

STARRING

ADRIAN RANDALL AS DUNCAN

JACK BIXBY AS DAVID

GERAINT WYN-MOLINAR AS NICK THE COP

SCOTT BAKULA AS SPEED

JERRY O'CONNELL AS QUINNIE

ALEXANDRA VANDERNOOT AND ELIZABETH WARD GRACEN AS

THE PIGEON SISTERS

( YES, I KNOW THIS IS SCI-FI, BUT

THEY'RE PEOPLE, THEY'RE PEOPLE! )

(As we open, we see DM shaking his head as he comes onto a wrecked barge. Not only is there furniture strewn about, but pizza boxes, chinese food cartons, etc. )

Duncan : Oh, David! David, David! What was it about this time?

( We see a disheveled, shirtless David shaking off a bad one)

David : Don't blame me, Duncan! Those Hunter friends of yours came around! I trieeeed explaining the situation! They were almost through my neck before I had time to change! Oh, uh, I kinda stuffed Horton into the breadbox!

Duncan : Why is it, every time you turn big and green, I end up having to replace pieces of my good Kitchenware? Oh, David, David, David!

DB: I know, I know, I know, I.....KNOW! AAAARRRGGH! ( His eyes take on a familiar glow)

DM: Wait, David! I've got good news!

DB: Goooood.....neeeewwws? ( Starts to calm down)

DM: Yeah! It turns out Jack McGee was an Immortal! ( Holds Up a Bowling Bag ) He won't be bothering you anymore!

DB: ( Calm, but exasperated! ) Duncan, that's my lucky Bowling Bag! I can't believe you used it to hold Mcgee's head!

DM: Hey, I was doing you a favor, Mister! Plus, this old bag was filthy! It had pizza grease all over it!

DB: Duncan, that grease helped me to put the proper spin on the ball....Wait, what's that smell like flesh burning?

DM : MY ROAST! No, wait, I cooked that last night. Oh, its only Nick The Cop! He's landing as we speak.

DB : You know, he's not that bright. Most Vampires know to leave the office AFTER sunset.

DM: But you know how much the poker game means to him!

DM and DB: POKER GAME!

( Hurriedly, the two men bring the barge to a semblance of order Enter Nick The Cop, cursed with Vampirism-among other things)

Nick : Guys, would it be so much of a problem for you to install a canopy?

DB : If we could find one that your nose would fit under, sure! But the circus isn't in town!

N: Oh, funny, guys! Hey, you got anything for me to chow on? They never have anyone for me down at the station!

DM : ( Sarcastically ) Oh, I think David put something in the breadbox!

N : ( Opens the Breadbox ) Wow! All-New Packaging!

DB: We call it...Horton A la King!

( Wisely, DB and DM turn away while Nick has his meal. Come to think of it, Clive Barker might turn away at this point; Nick's a sloppy eater)

DB : I'll, uh, buy you a new breadbox.

DM : Damned Straight You Will!

DB: Oh, look! Speed's arrived!

( In leaps Doctor Sam Beckett, aka Speed)

Speed: Ok, guys, let's play! I'm a lost kid in 73', and I'm not due to be found til the next afternoon! Cut the cards, I'm feeling hot!

DM: Oh, we'll play!

DB: Uh,huh! As soon as we have certain.... assurances!

Nick: Yeah, Speed! No funny stuff, like last time!

Speed: Oh, c'mon guys! I was just on a hot streak! I hardly needed Al to tell me what your cards were!

DM : Then you won't mind that David installed a device to block ANY broadcast signals from getting in here?

Speed : ( GULPS! ) Uh, you, know? That kid is being stalked by a serial killer! I gotta get back!  
( Tries to leap)

DB : It also prevents any premature exits! I might want some of my money back tonight!

Speed : Aaaaah! What's to munch on?

DM: Here's Quinnie! He's bringing the food.

( In Slides Quinnie, carrying three or four pizza-boxes)

Speed : About time!

Quinnie : Slice the pizza and cut the cards! I got 400$ of your dough before I have to up and go!

Speed : ( Opens the boxes) EEww...Anchovies!

Nick : And a TAD too much Garlic! WHEW!

Qunnie : Hey, is it my fault Mussolini took over the Earth I was visiting? Just be happy it wasn't a Kromagg world! Lets just say the eyes have it!

( An explosion occurs and a portal opens )

Quinnie : Did you guys turn on that Al-blocker again? You know how it interacts with my timer!

DM : I remember something like this!

KOREA, 1951, MASH 4077th

( Another Poker Game )

Hawkeye : Now, look Macleod! You're into us for over 500! Now pay up or give us something equivalent or we give you to Burns for an appendectomy you'll never forget!

Trapper : Yeah, c'mon Pal! In the end, there can be only one, but before that happens, you do not want to owe this pot!

DM : Oh, alright guys! Hey, Radar, c'mere!

Radar : Yes, sir! How may I help yooooooouu.... ( DM runs him through)

Hawkeye : Uh, Duncan...we kinda liked Radar!

Trapper : We did? Ohhh, yeah we did! Really!

Radar : ( Revives suddenly ) Uh, Mr. Macleod, sir? Why did you kill me?

DM : Congratulations, Radar! You are now an Immortal!

Trapper : Hey, Radar's been promoted!

Hawkeye : Radar?

Radar : Yeah, Hawkeye?

Hawkeye : Prove your Immortality!

Radar : You mean.......

Hawkeye : That' s right! Hot Lips is taking her shower right now! Walk right in...what've you got to lose?

Radar : Uh, no Thanks, guys! I may be an Immortal..but I ain't stupid!

END FLASHBACK-PLEASE!

DB : What the hell was that about!? There was no portal in that story!

DM : I know. But it was the only poker-themed flashback I have!

Nick : In the portal...Some kind of bizarre creatures!

Quinnie : Its an alternate Earth...but like none I've ever seen! Its like a twisted parody of our own lives!

DB : The sloppy one...The neat one...They look so damned familiar...but so....different!

Speed : Somebody find a way to close that thing! I can't take it!

DM : On my count, we march into that godforsaken patch of hell and clean house!

( As David changes, they all jump through, swords in hand )

TWO WEEKS LATER, ON THE WORLD THROUGH THE PORTAL....

Gloria Unger : I don't understand it! Felix is never late with the alimony or picking up the kids!

Blanche Madison : Well, I'm not taking it from Oscar anymore ( Opens the door to their ex-husbands' apartment, sees a scene of slaughter, chaos, and strewn furniture. The bodies of the poker players are in the closet.)

Blanche : ( Closes the door, shakes her head) I don't understand! The apartment definitely looks like Oscar's been there, but no one's home!

( A news radio plays in the background )

IN LOS ANGELES, FIGHTING RENEWED TODAY BETWEEN THE IMMORTAL BRADY AND PARTRIDGE CLANS. REPORTS HAVE COUSIN OLIVER AND TIGER AMONG THE FALLEN. DANNY YET LIVES.

Back in the Real World, 1998...

( Someone shows up to the barge; Sees the others have departed )

Radar : Oh, geez, Macleod! It's not nice to Immortalize a guy then not show up for his poker game! Now I gotta contact Urkel!

THE PRECEDING PARODY HAD NO POINT TO IT. IF YOU WISH TO INFER A POINT, DO SO AT YOUR OWN RISK. IF YOU WISH TO MAIL IN A POINT, THEN YOUR PERSONAL PROBLEMS EXCEED MY OWN BY AN UNCOMFORTABLE MARGIN.

NEXT WEEK ON THE REALLY ODD COUPLE

DB: Not you! We killed you!

DM: You weren't Immortal!

DF: I am, now! You'll pay for killing my friends, and making that mess without cleaning up! Now, face the wrath of DARK FELIX!

The characters on the Really Odd Couple...do I really need to say that I didn't invent them? Oh, I do? HOKayfine!

COPYWRONG Point less Studios, 1998, because you really should pointless-its rude!


	19. The ManHorses

The ManHorses  
by Rob Morris

(As our tale begins, we see Methos; While MacLeod is in seclusion in Tibet, he thinks upon how all of his Horsemen Brothers are finally dead; Then, screams are heard)

Methos: What the devil...?

(Sees a crowd)

Officer: All right folks, move along, nothing to see here!

Methos: Nothing to see here? Officer, that man's been trampled to death.

Officer: Oh, well, I guess there is something to see here. But he was an old man, anyway.

Methos: Old? He's 30, if he's a day (Methos senses the victim is not an Immortal)

Officer: Oh, yeah, Mr. Smartypants? Then how come this note says: "A warning to the Oldest?" Hmmm?

Methos: You moron! What is your name?

Officer: Gee, that's a good question...I'll have to think on that one!

(Waddles off)

Methos: You, my friend, were not just trampled. This was done by an expert. But surely--he's dead! (His cell phone rings)

1st voice: Methos, it's me, Post! He's gone nuts! He's........aaaaahhahhhaaaaaah!!!

2nd Voice: Helllllooooo, Brotthhehher! Remember me? You were wise to hide from me, Meeeetthhoooos. But you got sloppy! I was at a hay bar and caught a few episodes of a show callled Hiiiiigghhhhlander. Krooooonoss and the others are dead, but you and the girl are still around. Watch where you walk, Meetthhhoos!

Methos: (His face aghast) Not......HIM!!!!!

(Hurriedly, Methos tries to find Cassandra before it's too late)

Personal Ad: 5000+ immie/former kimmie seeks woman who hates his guts for one of those He-Man/Skeletor situations where we have to work together, despite all the bad blood. Possible dinner included.

(Phone rings)

Cassandra: This had better be good, Methos! I had 5 young future Champions scheduled for flashing today! Did I mention that I hate you? Also, can we go someplace with a decent Grilled Chicken Caesar Salad?

Methos: That was a fast response.

Cassandra: Well, I have a friend at the paper, for furniture sales, and like that. Why have you violated our fragile truce, after I spared your miserable head?

Methos: Well, you see....Wait, you didn't spare me. Macleod threatened to kill you if you took me. You ran off, quite bitter, and cursed us both!

Cassandra: There were many reasons why I spared you......

Methos: Enough of that! Listen---He has returned.

Cassandra: Oh, no. Not this whole Richie thing again. Look, I saw the episode--it was on the same week as that horrid Roseanne finale. The kid is doornail plus!

Methos: Didn't you hate the way that John Goodman's character was just---never mind. No, not Richie, or Kronos, or even Frog. It's just little old---EDWARD!!!!

Cassandra: Edward---Methos, you had sworn that he was destroyed!

Methos: I know. Will you help me finish him?

Cassandra: All right, but no pulling my shower down like you and Silas did!

Methos:????--Cassandra, that was Sally Kellerman in MASH!!!

Cassandra: You know Sally Kellerman?

Methos: Just get over here.

(From MacLeod anteroom emerges Cassandra)

Methos: You know, we ARE living together, here at MacLeod's loft. Why did I have to place that ad and call you up like that?

Cassandra: Talk to the hand!

(A hand emerges from a box)

Methos: Thing, will I ever figure her out?

(Thing shakes his hand, then closes the box behind him)

Cassandra: Come, let's go find....OH, NO!

(Through the plate glass window comes a riderless horse; Methos stares at him)

Methos: Hello, Edward!

Horse: You traitor! You call me----MISTER ED!

Methos: (Trying to calm him) Of Course, Of Course!

Cassandra: So, Edward! The wound I gave you remains. You sound quite hoarse for a horse.

Methos: You monster! How dare you return now?

Edward: Yeah, well listen to this---SOOON YOU WILL BE DEAD!!!

Cassandra: Kronos hung on this monster's every syllable--said Edward was his inspiration for evil!

Methos: It's true. Kronos had little use for words. People would yackety-yak a streak and waste his time of day.

Edward: Ah, but I was wise--I never spoke---unless I had something to say.

Cassandra: You used to drive Caspian further into madness, by clamming up whenever he tried to show you off.

Methos: What are you here for, Edward?

Edward: Oh, revenge upon you for selling me to Elmerus GlueAllus. That, and I have a plan to contaminate the city's drinking water!

Methos: Just how do you plan to do that?

Edward: I'm a horse, A HORSE!

Methos: Of Course, Of Course. Speeeewww!!

Cassandra: Yeah, thanks for sharing.

Methos: Edward, you can't kill us. I know the location of the others. The Four ManHorses can ride again!

Edward: That's lame, Methos! I already called them together. ManHorses! Show Yourselves!

Francis The Talking Mule: Its good to be trampling the world neath my shoed hooves again!

Trigger: It won't be Happy Trails For You two!

Silver: I want some Oldest soufflé to go with my Kemosabe breakfast and Indian Cornbread!

(Methos and Cassandra stand back to back)

Cassandra: What will we do, Methos! Their evil was always the basis for your own.

Methos: True, Cassandra. They are bigger, and stronger, than ourselves. But I see one slim chance---one advantage we might have.

Cassandra: And that is?

Methos: We can wield swords, and they can't!!

Cassandra: Methos! That's so crazy it just might work!

(After a fierce--and horrifically smelly battle-The ManHorses ride no more)

(Sparks and lightning fly between Methos and Cassandra, who then collapse)

Cassandra: Methos? Did we slice into the fuseboxes again?

Methos: Yeah, I think so. Damn, I hate when that happens.

(Outside the window, a horse gallops away)

Methos: Who was that?

(We see Joe Dawson in the elevator)

Joe: That was Misty of Chincoteauge--their Watcher. Listen, I'll clean up here. Methos, take my classic Model T and get yourselves something to eat.

(They leave, and clamber into the Model T)

Cassandra: I wonder if the radio works?

Radio: This is heavy-metal station KRNS---hello, Cassandra. Hello, Methos. Strap yourselves in, kiddies. It's going to be a bumpy ride!

(Despite these words, the Model T barely moves; Cass and Meth are too shaken to jump out)

Cassandra: Oh, Methos--this car is---

Methos: Is possessed by ----

Cass+Meth: KRONOS!!!!!!!!!

Coming Next Week: My Brother The Car 


	20. The MAC Files

**The MAC Files**  
by Rob Morris

Duncan : Amanda! I've just received reports of sword-wielding lunatics of impossible longevity!

Amanda : Duncan, that would be---us.

Duncan : Oh, yeah. I was wondering why that rang a bell. But what about my sister!?

Amanda : You don't have a sister!

Duncan : My God, they've erased my sister!

Amanda : Forget that, here comes someone!

RC : Hi! I'm Richie Cunningham of Milwaukee, Wisconsin. My brother Chuck just up and vanished, some years back, and...

Duncan : Ralph Malph and Potsie were driving drunk and hit him; They were hoping you'd forget he existed.

Richie C : Well, you know, goshdarn it, we kinda did...Oh, well. Thanx, guys! ( Leaves. In walks a policeman )

CW : Hello, I'm Police Sargeant Carl Winslow, and my daughter Julie....

Amanda : Urkel shot her into space; Explosive decompression. It was quick.

CW : UUUUURRRRRKKELLL! ( Runs out )

Am: Where we headed now?

DM : Out to California!

ANGEL GROVE, CALIFORNIA

DM : Look, kid! Play straight with us! We have evidence of local high-schoolers tapping into an alien energy field, while calling upon animalistic spirits to gain a fierce fighting prowess. There are even reports of huge metallic creatures battling in apocalyptic style, wrecking the city, but never leaving a trace!

Tommy : I don't know anything, Mister Macleod!

Jason : No way, man, we're not into that stuff!

Kimberley : I have to be at, like the Mall!

Billy : My transdimensional energy wavelength detector-which I built ENTIRELY on my own, without any alien tech, would have picked that up.

Trini : Didn't anybody see me in Crow 2? It was a change-of-pace role! From child-icon to child-killer! Worked for Michael J. Fox's Dad!

D: ( Hurried, stilted voice )Amanda, they won't talk!

A: ( Lifts a clenched fist ) Let's do it!

Tommy : You can't do it here! This is Fox Kids!

D : Not that, ya great dolt! ( Pulls out a medallion, Amanda does the same )

A : Methuselah Stone!

D : Dragon Katana!

Tommy : No, you jerks! We've run out of Japanese footage!

D : Then we'll just have to use some from Hong Kong, saaaayy JOHN WOO!?

Headline : Haim Saban has today hired a new group of Power Rangers, the 50th set since the show began, late last week.

Duncan and Amanda each lost an incisor and a molar in the fight; But THE TOOTH IS OUT THERE!

NEXT WEEK ON THE MAC FILES :

D : Reno Raines? Why on Earth did you kill Assistant Director Dawson?

Reno : Huh!? Joe Dawson? I thought for sure he was the guy who framed me for murder, Dixon!

D : Oh, not that old "Jim Byrnes looks like Steven Bochco" crap!

RR : Hey look, Mac! Is it my fault that USA accidentally edited the episode of my show where Gracen appears with one of your Amanda and Joe eps?

DM : The credits say "Film Editor, Lorenzo Lamas", so I'd have to say, YEAH!

I didn't make this! You didna see me! You can't prove anything!

Laterthanyouthink Productions


	21. The K'immies Evil Plan

**The Kimmies Evil Plan**  
by Rob Morris

We see a room chock full of Duncan's foes. Kronos speaks on a podium)

Kronos: Everyone! All our plans to kill the wretched fool, Duncan MacLeod, have failed utterly! Not that I really gave O'Rourke much of a chance....and that guy with the living video game....and What WAS THE DEAL with that Amanda/Nick-type couple in that merc episode?

Kalas: Kronos, you are drifting again!

Kron: Oh, yeah. Thanks. But this plot, with all of us working together, can not miss.

Keogh: We'll build a phony Richie?

(Kronos shoots him in the head)

Kron: I want it noted that MacLeod killed Richie and spared that moron. All the more reason our plan is needed.

Kristin: We'll torment him with imagery from his past?

(BANG!!)

Kron: MacLeod was prepared to off Cassandra if she took Methos; But this bimbo, he almost let go. Explain this to me, someone!

All: (Murmuring) Well, you see....Code Of Chivalry....Had A Past together...Nefertiri writer was out of town that day....

Kron: (Slams his fist down) That was rhetorical, you MORONS!!! Now, on to our plan! First, drink hearty! DRINKS ON THE HOUSE!

(All run up to the roof, where they stand around for five minutes)

Xavier: You lied to us, Kronos! There were no drinks up there!

Kron: Wonderful. Now we're stealing from the Muppet Movie. Now, the plan - I have purchased the Sci-Fi Channel! It will begin airing Highlander The Series in a manner so inconsistent, that MacLeod fame and power will diminish to nothing!

All: Hail, Kronos!!!

(Twenty-Four weeks later)

Announcer: And, in Sci-Fi news, The Kimmortality Society, devoted to the colorful villains of Highlander, has disbanded forever, citing the Sci-Fi Channel's inconsistent showings. Too bad for those evil Immortals!

All the Kimmies: KRONOS!!!!!!

(Kronos thinks quickly, and holds sword to own throat)

Kron: NOBODY MOVE---OR THE HORSEMAN GETS IT!!

(Kimmies stand around confused)

Annie O'Devlin: Wait--I don't think he's bluffing!

Kron: C'MON, MISTER PESTILENCE!!!

(Low voice) hep me! Heeepp me!!

Kenny: Won't somebody help that poor fella?

Haresh Clay: Shut up, boy! That kind of fool talk is a sure way to get him killed!

Kronos: (Drags himself off) Heelppp!!!

(Socks himself) SHUT UP!! (Closes door, locks it) And to think. Dark Helmet said GOOD was dumb!

Next week: Enemies must needs become allies-----

Duncan: Kronos--why the hell did you buy Friday The 13th The Series?

Kronos: A thousand residual kickbacks, MacLeod. A thousand residual kickbacks.

Duncan: Movie night-----FIELD OF DREAMS!!!!??? KRONOS!!!!!!

Kronos: Now, for my next impression - Jesse Owens!!!! (Runs off)


	22. The Immsters

**The Immsters**  
by Rob Morris

( In the living room of the Immster home, 1234 Highland Way, we find Tessa Immster, the family's odd niece snuggling with her boyfriend. She really wants this evening to go right)

Tessa : Oh, George! I'm so glad you came to my home!

George : Me too, Tessa! But this place! Its way-out! Dig those swords! And what's with all those lifelike busts of human heads?

Tessa : (Somewhat confused) George, we don't own any busts of human heads! The only bust anyone sees is mine when you get fresh during the Eurominutes!

George : ( Horny as hell, so he forgets about the heads ) Gee, Tessa, you're such a swell girl, I won't go past 2nd base, even in Europe!

Tessa : Oh, Thank You, George! You are the only boy I would ever let see me come out of the shower...Oh, here's my Uncle Duncan!

( Enter Duncan Immster, lovable goofball patriarch of the odd Immster clan)

Duncan : Say, you two! Remember this is a USA re-run! Don't do anything your Aunt Amanda wouldn't do. ( Leans over to George, whom he elbows) Course, that may not be good advice! ( Laughs, a big deep throaty laugh, amused to death by his own joke. George is a bit confused, but tries to laugh along) Be good, kids! I'm just getting some warm milk! HUUUHHHUHH! ( Plods off)

George : Is that your uncle? He's so---young?!

Tessa: Yes. He's been that way for awhile, now.

George : Uh...yeah. Now look, Tessa, I know you're against a shower on the 1st date, but... ( Stops his conversation, as Duncan returns )

Duncan : Well, good night, Tessa! Nice meeting you, George! ( Goes up the stairs, does not notice Quentin's roller skate on the stairwell)

Tessa : Good night, Uncle Duncan!

George : Oh, no! Mr. Immster, look out! ( Too late. Duncan slips, falls, and is impaled by one of the swords. He dies.)

George : Oh, my! Tessa, your uncle is dead!

Tessa : George, shh! If my Aunt Amanda finds out he's dead, she'll kill him!

Amanda ( From Upstairs ) Tessa, dear? Is everything all right?

Tessa : Oh, fine, Aunt Amanda! Uncle Duncan will be up in a moment!

George : Tessa, you shouldn't lie to protect your aunt. She has to know...( He then sees Duncan stand up, and pull out the sword) UUuhhhh!

Duncan : Boy, do I hate when that happens! Ruined my new shirt and everything! DARN! DARRN! DARN! DARN! DARN! ( Jumps as he is doing this, slowly sinking into the basement)

Tessa: ( Notices George has turned white as a sheet, and run away at top-motion speed. The door and the gate bear his imprint.) Oh, no! Uncle Duncan, I've scared another one off! Just because I'm---m-o-r-t-a-l!

Duncan : ( Looking shocked ) Young lady, I thought your aunt and I told you never to use that word in this house! Besides, it was like he was afraid of me!

Tessa : ( Hugs him in a family way, non-intimate) Oh, Uncle Duncan! You, Aunt Amanda, Quentin, and Grandpa are among the most normal people in the world! Why would anyone be afraid of you?

Duncan : Well, Tessa, your aunt and I have tried to protect you, but the truth is, there's a lot of weirdos in this world!

( At that moment, the basement explodes. We see a befuddled Methos come flying out, headed through the roof. Tessa looks over.)

Duncan : ( Looks over, shakes his head ) And your grandfather, with his screwy experiments, is the chief of all the weirdos!

(Cue theme Music. DEN-De-De. Den-De-De. Den-Dee-de-de-de-da-deee-deda. De-DE!

TITLE : THE IMMSTERS!

STARRING ADRIAN GWYNNE AS DUNCAN  
( Walks through front door, frowns, then walks off laughing)

YYVONE GRACEN AS AMANDA

( Checks outside for other immies, waits )

AL WINGFIELD AS GRANDPA

( Tries to cut off Amanda's head, is shamed and goes off)

ALEXANDRA VANDERPRIEST AS TESSA  
( Doesn't really do much of anything, just like the previous actress to play Tessa Immster)

FUTURE FELONN AS QUENTIN

( Finds door is too big to be walked through with sword)

End theme.)

Duncan : Well, Amanda, it wasn't my fault! Quentin left his roller skate on the stairs again!

Amanda : Oh, you big goofball! Look at all these shirts! ( We see a row of about 23 shirts, all with holes in the exact same spot)

Quentin : Gee, Pop! I'm sorry! Bad enough I starred in such a stinky show! Oh, I'll never beat Kenny in the saber-throw!

Granpa : Quentin, Quentin! You'll do fine! Why, back in the Old Country, saber-throwing was easy! I always managed to hit something!

Quentin : Hey, Granpa! Maybe you could make a potion for me! I really want Kenny's head this time! He's killed most of my friends.

Amanda : Well, Quentin, it serves them right! Huh! Hanging around with any boy who's been through so many foster homes is just asking for trouble. His adoptive parents just keep going to pieces!

Duncan : That's Right! Besides, last time Granpa whipped you up something, he ruined the ozone layer! Took Cousin Connor 25 years to fix it!

Granpa : Oh, please, Duncan! Don't remind me of that mess! Besides, to hear Connor talk, none of that ever happened!

Quentin : I guess. Say, where's Spot?

Amanda : Now, Quentin. You know spot went to visit his cousin in Japan. It seems some big ape is giving them trouble!

Duncan : Isn't it always the way? Its like Mr. Dawson, down at the parlor always says: "That's why I like the graveyard shift, Immster! Nobody ever talks back-unless you've had a few! (Deep, throaty laugh)

Granpa : You know, Joe may be my friend, but he's weird! I always feel like he's watching me! I swear, he's around every corner, just waiting!

Amanda : Oh, Granpa! Stop being paranoid. Oh-stop talking! Here comes Mrs. Dawson! ( Mrs. Dawson is just Joe in a dress. Remarkably, none of the Immsters see through)

Joe : Well, hello, Immsters. Fight anyone lately?

Duncan : Just that troublemaker from across the way. Oh, DARN! He gets me so angry!

Amanda : Duncan , don't have a fit now! Tessa's still upset after that rude young man ran out. Really! He didn't even know how to use a door! Besides, if you pop an artery and die now, you'll be late for work! So rude of that boy.

Joe : Oh, you mean George, who left here at a gallop around 11:53 PM last night - oh - Neighborhood gossip. Well, toodles! ( Under his breath ) The things I have to do....

Duncan : That poor, dear woman!

Amanda : And we thought Tessa had it bad! Good thing for her she landed Joe!

Granpa : There's something odd about Josephine Dawson, but I can't quite put my finger on it! Kind of like when I was British Ambassador to China...

CHINA, 19...

Duncan : GRANPA! I told you, no flashbacks at the breakfast table! Flapjacks, not flashbacks!

Granpa : Ah, Duncan! Yer an old party pooper!

Duncan : I like fun as much as the next guy!

Granpa : Yeah, if the next guy happens to be Ramirez!

Duncan : Granpa, Ramirez has been dead for 450 years! You should have compared me to somebody who's still around!

Granpa : AAaahh, what's the use?

Amanda : Duncan, that troublemaker's back!

Quentin : Let me, Dad! I'll get im'

Duncan : No, son. Its a father's responsibility to defend his hearth, house, and home against thieves, terrorists, thugs, hoodlums, arsonists, bums and other not-so-nice people. ( Grabs his sword, goes outside.)

Granpa : I don't get it. They think they're better than us? Sure they're rich, but its all New money!

Amanda : It's true. The first of them didn't make a cent til William the Conqueror forgot to pack a lunch, and they charged him for delivery!

Quentin : Hey, Dad got im'!

Amanda : Your father always was a cut above!

Granpa : Ooo-hoo! Look at that Quickening! I haven't seen anything like that since the Big Bang Bar and Grill got torn down! Boy, the old places...

Amanda : What's he doing? Oh, he's mailing the remains back across the way! Kind of crude, but those people have it coming!

Granpa : Tell me about it! They're so - Creepy!

AT THE HOUSE ACROSS THE WAY

( A rather dapper man opens his door, to find Duncan Immster's package.)

Gomez Addams : Say, what do we have here! ( Opens it ) Oh, no! ( Takes out a severed hand) THIIIIIIIINNNGGGGG! Immster, you will pay for this! Today!

Morticia : Oh, not today, Gomez! We can't cancel the Alligator races just because poor dear Thing has had his appointment with the Guillotine!

Gomez : Guillotine! Tish, that's French!

( We leave them as Gomez begins a familiar pattern of kisses, tossing Thing aside rather casually )

Next week on THE IMMSTERS :

Boy : Please, Mr. Immster, I like your niece a lot! Let me go out with her!

Duncan : I'm very sorry, Nicholas. But I'm afraid you won't pay for her dinner! I hear that, when it comes to girls, you like to put the bite on them!

That's next week on The Immsters, with Special Guest-Star, Fabian Wyn-Davies!


	23. Renegade Highlander

**Renegade Highlander**  
by Rob Morris

Announcer : The continuing quest of an Immortal who's wanted for a beheading he didn't commit!

Soon-to-die Policeman#1 : So I tell that guy to stay down on the ground, but he won't listen. Luckily, the guy who was beating him up revived and killed him, laughing while doing so. Turns out the revived guy was guilty and the first guy was innocent. But hey---when a peace officer tells you to stay down, you stay down!

STDP#2 : Oh, Yah. Tell me about it. This woman comes screaming into the station about how her ex-husband has just killed every member of her family, and now he wants her dead, too. Well, I happen to know this fella, and he's an OK guy, unless you rile him. So I told her where to stuff her complaint. My pal came in and took her away, and she's been pre-tty quiet since then, lemme tell ya.

(Dispatcher's voice)

Disp : Guys, are you dead yet?

STDP#1 : No, Sarge. Nothin's doin round here.

Disp : Any Terminators, rural cultists, big city drug dealers, Militia types?

STDP#2 : Ah, that's a noper, Sarge. There's just a big stretch limo out here in the middle of nowhere. They're exchanging some kind of briefcase.

Disp : Ok. I want you two to walk over, and demand to see the contents of the briefcase. If they offer you bribes, smile and refuse them, and call the people lowlifes. If there's a big one, be sure to punch him in the face. Got it?

(Back in the office, the Dispatcher hears two shots; Smiles; Turns to chart that says Idiot Cop Quota)

Disp : To think, we used to keep guys like that around til the PBA relented.

(In rides Macleod Raines and his trusty Native American sidekick, Adam Tenthousandkiller)

Disp : Say, are you that Macleod Raines that everyone's seen on the news? The one that's wanted for beheading another Immortal?

MR : What if I am?

Disp : Well, just why is it you're wanted? I mean, isn't that generally what Immortals do?

MR : Well, I'm not him. Oh, sure. I may look and talk like him--but I'm not him. Am I, Adam Tenthousandkiller?

(An obviously uncomfortable Methos with a bad tan looks about nervously)

AT : (Whispers) Macleod, no one is going to believe I'm an Indian.

MR : (Whispers) Don't worry. We've got the post-Jerry Springer audience.

(Methos lights up)

AT : Among my people, to believe one man is another....is considered wrong.

MR : Now, where's the bounty we're supposed to pick up?

(Valentine Pelka is led out in handcuffs)

VP : Hi, folks. I'm John NotKronos.

AT : Why, it sure is John NotKronos!

MR : I knew we'd catch up with you, John NotKronos.

VP : Yes, but I---John NotKronos---have a plan to escape.

(Jim Byrnes walks in, snickering)

JB : Too late, Macleod Raines. I, Dutch Dawson, have set you up by placing John NotKronos here.

(Stan Kirsch walks out, with a fake oily moustache attached)

SK : And I'm Hound Ryan, the little weaselly guy who you keep trusting despite all common sense.

MR : Quick, Adam Tenthousandkiller! Let's ride through that window!

(Typical motorcycle window burst scene)

AT : Boy, Mac Raines. You are sure one---( Turns script page )--crazy guy.

(Dutch Dawson stews)

JB : He'll never find evidence to clear himself of that Immortal beheading!

VP : Is that a crime now? Because really, its kind of what we do.

SK : Yeah, he's got a point, there. I mean, unless he had tons of witnesses, the whole case really falls apart.

JB : (Thinks fast) Maybe he had unpaid parking tickets?

(On the road, MR and AT talk)

MR : (Woodenly) Oh, fudge. They nearly got me---(turns script page)---again.

AT : We can't stop here. This place is---sacred to my people? I'm 5000 years old! I don't even know who the hell my people were.

(Waiting in the middle of the road is Raphael Cain, played by Lorenzo Lamas)

LL : You've met your match, Macleod Raines.

(MR whips out a cell-phone)

MR : Now!

(All the actors and production crew for HL:TS move in and kill the cast and crew of 'The Immortal')

Adrian Paul : The sting worked, guys.

PW : (Holds up Lamas's head) You--Loooook----Mahvelous.

VP : Hi, I'm John NotKronos on the set. If you suspect that your show is being ripped off, by all means, take violent action against the other show. It's really the only solution.

(Stephen Canell falls dead at his desk; Jim Byrnes replaces him)

JB : When it comes to bearded masterminds who operate behind the scenes---There Can Be Only One.


	24. Oh Connor

**Oh, Connor**  
by Rob Morris

(We see Connor and Brenda seated by a piano)

Connor: Boy, the way our bagpipes played;

Brenda: Calling Highlanders to draw their blades;

Connor: History was nice and staid--

C+B: Those Were The Days

Brenda: And you knew who you killed then;

Connor: My sentence was banishment;

C+B: Mister, we could use a man like Robert The Bruce again;

Connor: Didn't need no serrated blades;

Brenda: The heads would just fall away;

C+B: Gee that first movie went great---Those Were The Daaaayyyyyss!!!

* * *

(As we open, we see the Macleod home in Queens, New York; Connor walks in)

Brenda: Connnnnnor! How was yer day?

Connor: B-u-tiful! Youse are lookin' at the guy what took The Koigan's head!

Brenda: Ohhhhh, so ya got The Prize?

Connor: Nah, them pencil-necks from the Continuity department said that I didn't. Now they says it was just an important battle. I tell ya, Brenda---the government is always puttin' down the little guy. By the by--did my disability check make it in?

Brenda: But Connor--you're not disabled. You can't get disabled. Yer Immortal.

Connor: Yeah! But the government don't know that. This here money used ta be my taxes. I'm just redistricting the wealth, that's all.

Brenda: Ohhhhhh.....ohh!

(Duncan and Tessa walk in)

Connor: Well, if it ain't my little kinsman and his Frog wife!

Tessa: You know, Connor--France was Scotland's ally against England.

Connor: Well you know there, Miss Modern Art, politics, they make strange bedwarmers. We really wanted Spain, but youse was closer, so's we settled.

Duncan: Connor---so what if Tessa makes modern art? Isn't all art art? It exists in the eye of the beholder.

Connor: Now dat's where youse is 120% dead wrong dere, Little Kinsman! Art is not art. Ya got yer apples, and Moaning Lizas, and Red, White and Blue Boys, and pictures of God doin' stuff ta people and places. Now that's art. Ya take this modern crapola, with blocked-off eyeballs, and threads pasted onta paper, and scrap iron somebody glued back together-- and I wonder why the garbageman ain't doin his job!

Tessa: But what about the eye of the beholder?

Connor: Well, Missy--I got this for the eye of the beholder--Phffft! (Sticks out his tongue, makes raspberry sound)

(Duncan and Tessa leave angrily)

Brenda: Cantcha ever talk nicely ta them, Connor?

Connor: I was talkin' nicely. French people like honesty as much as they hate baths.

Brenda: That's terrible ta say. And Tessa showers all the time!

Connor: Yeah--wit Duncan usin up half the water! There's nothin' clean about that.

Brenda: Ya know, I remember my cousin Francine had this parrot that would never let her clean it.......

17 HOURS LATER

Brenda: ......so the wedding went off without a hitch, and the school dance commemorated his missing foot by holdin' a sock hop.

Connor: Dingbat--married to youse--I'm lucky I'm an Immortal. Yer stories'll last straight through to the Blathering!

(Door bell rings)

Brenda: I'llll get it!

(Joe Dawson is at the door)

Joe: Brenda.

Brenda: (Almost screaming) Its Joe, the real estate agent!

Connor: Oh, Geez! My ears ain't Immortal, Brenda. Wadda you want, Dawson?

Joe: Well, Connor--I sold the house next door to an Adam Pierson.

Connor: What kinda name is that?

(Joe whispers to Brenda; goes off)

Connor: He didn't even answer me! What'd he tell youse?

Brenda: Joe said that Mister Pierson is an Englishman. They're really polite.

Connor: POLITE!? Pretty soon, this neighborhood is gonna be lousy with tea and crumpets, everybody'll be driving upside down, and we'll end up crowning some inbred dope as king!

Brenda: Oh, Connor---the Constitution don't allow for no king.

Connor: Then they'll import one in! Its how them people work! Ahhh, I'm goin' for a drive, away from this multicaricaturel nightmare!

96 HOURS LATER, IN THE DEEP SOUTH

Connor: Is dere a problem, officer?

Sheriff Gillespie: Suh--you were going nearly 90 miles per hour, and there is no 90 mile per hour zone anywhere in this great state. Now, I see you are not from around here, so I'm letting you off with just this warning. Drive on, suh.

Connor: Ahh, youse cops is all on the take, anyhow!

(Drives off)

Tibbs: What a complete jerk.

Sheriff Gillespie: He maybe that, Mister Tibbs. But remember--there but for the grace of God go you---or I.

CARROLL O'CONNOR, 1926-2001 -- The joy is never stifled.


	25. Highland Days

**Highland Days**  
by Rob Morris

Renaissance; Reformation;  
Highland Days

Civil War; Restoration;  
Highland Days

Queen Anne; King George;  
Highland Days

Millennium; You And My Chums;  
Ready To Take The Prize

I Am Imoooortallll; There Can Be Only One; I Have Inside Me Blood Of Kings;

I'm her boyfriend; She's My Stead; I'm gonna give her all my bread; Then when all but two are dead; I'll Be The One To Take Her Head;

This World Is Ours; Won't You Be Mine;

These Are Such Highland Days!

STARRING

Stan Howard as Richie Cunningham

Adrian Winkler as Arthur Macarelli

Peter Bosley as Methos Cunningham

Tracey Ross as Cassandra Cunningham

Elizabeth Moran as Amanda Cunningham

Anson Daltrey as Potsie Fitzcairn

Donnie Most as Ralph Malph ( Hey, he did it so welll )

* * *

( Our scene opens with dinner at the Cunningham home; Cassandra is getting off the phone )

Cass : Ok, Connor. Thanks for calling.

Methos : So is your mother coming?

Cass : Nooo...Connor says the Kurgan took her....I wonder how he found  
her hiding place?

( We see a secret grin on Methos' face behind the paper )

( Richie and Amanda come down stairs )

Amanda : Mom---Did Chachi call?

Cass : No, dear---he got on Kronos Berufi's bad side, I'm afraid.

Richie : What other side of Berufi is there? I should talk to The Mac  
about challenging him.

Aman : So Chachi's dead. Hey, Rich--you wanna go out? I'll let you get  
to second.

Rich : Third.

Aman : I'll let you see second.

Rich : Deal

( They walk off, and Cass shakes her head )

Cass : You know, Methos?

Methos : No, what dear?

Cass : I sometimes wish we were all related by blood--that way I could  
forbid them to go out. By the way---where's my present?

Methos : ( nervous ) What present?

Cass : ( Gets up, huffy ) Oh, You Men!  
( Begins To Cry ) This Is The Anniversary Of The Day You Burned Down My  
Village And Kidnapped Me! A Woman Remembers These Dates."

( She runs upstairs )

Methos : I'm So Insensitive.

( A Motorcycle bursts in, taking out the front door; It is Arthur  
Macarelli; The Mac)

Mac : Aaaaayy, Mister C. How is my favorite Immortal family?

( Methos Looks at door )

Methos : Drafty.

Mac : (Mock-punches him in the side of the head) Oh, you are such a  
kidder, Mister C. Where is Richie and Short-Eyes?

Methos : You mean Shortcake?

Mac : Aaayy, the woman dates her own younger brother---I think I was  
right the first time!

Methos : Its a 50's family, Mac. We call it straight-breeding.

Mac : So where is our coupled couple?

Methos : Down At Joe's.

Mac : JOE'S? But I'm havin' a rumble with Kronos Berufi down there. Hey,  
Mister C - do you know Berufi?

Methos : ( nervous ) Uh, No.

Mac : I cannot concieve of anything lower than Kronos Berufi!

( Silas and Caspian walk in )

S + C : Hello!

Caspian : We're supposed to like, Kill You, and bring your head to  
Kronos--and then grab a pizza on the way back.

Silas : Yeah, No Anchovies.

Mac : I Do Not Think So!

( Snaps his fingers; Silas and Caspian's heads pop off; Methos stares  
dumbly )

Mac : Its A Gift.

( Mac takes off for Joe's through the kitchen, taking out that door,  
too)

Methos : My Heating Bill!

Cass : Methos? I'm feeling frisky!

Methos : ( Grins) So, we freeze.

( Switch to Joe's; The Band finishes playing )

Rich : Potsie, do you always have to smash your guitar? They're  
expensive.

Potsie Fitzcairn : Oh, Yeah? Well, one day -- people will pay to see me  
smash my guitar!

Ralph Malph : He's a great guitarist--but he's still such a Potsie!

( Kronos Berufi comes in )

K : Don't nobody move! Me and The Mac got business to settle.

( From the bathroom, his 'office', still on the motorcycle, is The Mac )

Mac : Hey, I Am Right Here, Kronos-- How's every little thing?

( The lights begin to strobe )

K : You'll never be able to tell who's comin and who goin', Macarelli!

Mac : Hey, I Know Who's Goin', Berufi!

( The lights fading and flashing, The Mac keeps his cool; Kronos comes  
at him seemingly from all directions; Finally, Mac finds his heart )

K : I Am The End Of Rock And Roll!

Mac : Rock and Roll Will Never Die---You, On The Other Hand--"

( Takes his head; Mac is exhausted by the Quickening; Wearing his own  
motorcycle helmet, Mac sees Richie )

Helmeted figure : Hey, Mac, I......

( By instinct, The Mac takes his head, too He realizes his horrible  
error)

Mac : Richie.....RICHIE!!!!!!

Richie : What's Up Mac?

Mac : Rich---you're alive!

( Smiles and pshaws him )

Richie : Course I am, Mac.

Mac : Then who's that?

Richie : Oh. Well, you killed Ralph Malph.

Mac : Malph? ( Smiles ) Aaaaayyyy!!!!

( Leaving Ralph behind, all the friends walk out )

( Joe Dawson Comes out of the kitchen, looks around at the dead bodies  
and quickening-chaos )

JD : Yep, Yep, Yep, Yep, Yep, Yep, Yep Yep!

THESE ARE SUCH HIGHLAND DAYS!!!


	26. Caspian And The Very Smart Man

**Caspian and the Very Smart Man**  
by Rob Morris

Casper Ian, convicted serial killer, was about to escape. On the verge of being deported to Eastern Europe, he tore the throats out of his guards with his teeth, then undid his shackles by breaking them apart. No one could survive for long on that level of adrenaline, and Casper Ian was not planning to. He either wanted the freedom of the streets or the freedom of the unattended morgue.

In the chaos, another inmate escaped, but stuck around, analyzing Caspian's madness. He got right up in the Horseman's face. Caspian spat.

"I Know You! You Are The Very Smart Man! Be Very Smart, Very Smart Man! Get Out Of My Way!"

As calm as Caspian was feral, The Very Smart Man pulled out a hypodermic and stabbed it into Caspian's forehead.

"Sedatives administered directly into the brain are deucedly hard to fight off, my friend, even for one such as you. I expect you'll sleep now."

Again calm and cool, The Very Smart Man re-entered and secured his cell while the guards took Caspian away. The head guard checked the cell door, then asked his prisoner a question.

"Why'd you do it, Doc? He's one of your own kind."

A sorry statement. The Very Smart Man noted this one's upcoming death.

"Dear Boy, he's no kin of mine. He is a beast, all heat and no light. All splatter and no art. Casper Ian gives people like ourselves a bad name--so to speak."

With that, Doctor Hannibal Lecter resumed reading his treasured volume of Chaucer.


	27. The Thing That Ate My Soul

**The Thing That Ate My Soul**  
by Rob Morris

**Chapter 1 - The Concave Devil**

October 15, 1972

Kronos stared disgustedly at the source of his addiction. He was a Horseman, dammit! Why did this obscenity, which he had purchased for his own purposes, now have a better than a decade long grip on him?

He would smash the talisman. Yes. He had slain beings, demons and gods, supposedly, that sought to turn his art into their labor. He was cruelty for cruelty's sake, personified, not their little boy. A dozen "old ones" had passed when he had smashed crystals to powder, astonishing even clever Methos with his willpower. But he couldn't smash this one. Whatever lay at the center of him wanted this, and he couldn't say no to it.

"You killed my Samantha!", he shouted out to the uncaring orb. "She's gone, and she's never coming back." With a vengeance he loved her. He knew that one day her boob of a husband and inane family would be dust at her hands, then surely she would join him, and together they would ravage all 7 continents, and dig up Atlantis for good measure. But the thing, the one creature more evil than himself, had sent his love away that year-as it had so many others, friend and foe.

One friend had been even more clever than Methos. Confining a group of fools, he confounded their efforts to escape, and they could do nothing against him. But he was dead 5 years, killed again by the monster.

The monster had him. It owned him. He was no longer a part of The Game, for his addiction was too far along to be away very much. Oh, they told him it was merely a box. But that deadly box contained whatever was left of his soul, and he meant to have that back. Whatever its condition after all, it was his. Despairing, he cried out the name of his lost friend, the cruel, devious master confiner with the simpleton's face :

"GILLIGAN!"

He stopped shouting, and saw that it was 8:30. The Brady Bunch was over, and The Partridge Family had begun. Wistfully, he watched his favorite character in action. "Oh, Danny! Stop these schemes and crush those moralizing fools! They're only holding you back! I mean, where was I in life til I killed my family?"

At times, the reality, ridiculousness and utter shame of the situation would assault Kronos. At those times, he would remember how it all began. Ironically, the purchase of his first TV set in 1961 had been for innocent, legitimate reasons. Perhaps, he thought, that had been his downfall.

Part 2 - The Horseman's Pact

August, 1961

Kronos stood over the headless body of Edward Confesori. He held up his prize, and lopped it in half, just to be sure. Kronos had hated Confesori as he truly hated few others. The idiot had managed to annoy him, and had been continually doing so-for 2000 years.

Israel, 1 A.D.

"You there-Horseman!"

Kronos looked up from his work. Herod of Judaea had paid handsomely for himself, Caspian, and Silas to slaughter every first-born male in his kingdom. Of course, he didn't need to pay them, and they were hardly restricting their craft to infant males. But Kronos liked Herod, who showed him respect, and promised to aid his search for the lost Methos. Kronos liked the cruel king so much, he was even considering letting him live, even if the man was fixated on some old prophecy about a savior. Then, the voice called again. "Hey, I'm talking to you, Kronos!"

"Come back later, boy, and I'll take your head then!"

"Oh, truly? A fine way to talk to your new brother!"

"You---are no brother of mine."

"I could be. I've heard that your Fourth is missing. I could be Death, in his place, make your band complete again."

"I admire your ambition, so when I tell you to go away and drop dead, don't take it personally, stripling!"

"I'm no more apt to simply drop dead than yourself, Clock-Keeper. And my name is not stripling, but Caius Templus. You'll regret your choice, Horsemen!"

For such a little nothing, Templus was awfully good at keeping his word. Suddenly, border guards were always informed of their coming, and their paths were well known to the armies hunting them. Bowmen started taking a lot more headshots than they were comfortable with. Then, Silas was captured and put to hard labor, the lone man in a quarry. All along the way, Kronos saw Templus waving down at him, smiling. He cursed himself for being too busy to take the scum's head when he had the chance. Caspian's abortive burning of the Library at Alexandria ended when the place collapsed on him, leaving him beneath tons of rubble on the Mediterranean floor, as the flow took him. With lost Methos still gone, the Demon's Ride was over.

The next 2000 years were no better. Kronos tried flinging it in the wilds of the German woods around 775, but a regiment sent by Charlemagne put paid to that, with Templus-now called Confessori-at the lead of the regiment hunting him. Always smiling, always out of reach. Whenever Kronos would start enjoying himself, finding a place to base his slaughter-forays from, there his foe would be, to ruin things.

In the 1880's came the final insult. Finding himself sealed inside a coffin, he remembered MacLeod killing him. Bursting out at last, he found himself on a train, in the cargo hold, mere miles from San Francisco. He jumped off, broke his neck, and then revived later on. He pulled a faded tag off his leg, and raged at what it said : 'Cadaver:Property of Edward Confessori'. Of course, the coward wasn't in San Francisco when Kronos finally got there.

In 1954, Kronos had found a small town in upstate New York. There, he found that many Immortals came to rest-it was just so out of the way. So he lay in wait there, easy challenges followed by easy victories. There, he built up his already-considerable power. On occasion, in times past, he would become a spree-killer, to alleviate the boredom, but the world was changing, so he could do this less and less often.

Then, one day, he saw his car being ticketed. Tickets he actually paid, as the fraternal nature of police meant that killing one was bad for business in the long term. But he also saw the 'Cop' start to deflate his tires. He saw his face. The alley was quite long, and Kronos knew what range to hide from so as not to be sensed til it was too late. Hurling his sword, Kronos saw the 'Cop' turn around, his heart run through. It was Confessori, obviously on the verge of beginning yet another campaign of harassment against him. Kronos pulled out his sword, then stood over the gasping trickster.

"Hmm, on 2nd thought, Edward-you do get to be Death. But-best consult with the original, first!"

Kronos hated Duncan MacLeod. But at least the younger Highlander had never annoyed him. Confessori he chopped to pieces-literally.

For all this, he was still annoyed. Once again, Confessori had used hs legendary ability to skulk and lurk to climb almost up into Kronos' face undetected. Without this lucky break, he could have ended up being taken by his least worthy enemy. He reminded himself, though, that there was no way he could have known of his foe's approach. This seemed to calm him.

His home was one that a man once used for rendezvous with his mistress. He was--gone now--and the girl was not going to report him missing. Some kill work for local corruption kept him in quiet comfort, and let alone. On his way home from the duel, he stopped into the town's TV shop. The sheep-like way some people stood in front of them was amusing to no end.

On the screens, a news announcer spoke.

"Again, state and local authorities warn that convicted killer Edward Confesori may be in this area! He is a psychotic, and known to be quite dangerous."

"Was dangerous, friend-past tense. Raised my blood pressure early and often."

The owner of the store talked to his employee.

"John, change these TV's to another station. This is the 5th day in a row that they're droning on about this killer!"

"Yes, sir! By now, anyone with a TV is probably sick of it all."

Kronos winced. He had avoided this idiot box like the plague. But it could have told him that Confessori was about. He realized that his life had nearly ended at the hands of a crafty opponent--all for lack of a Tv. Kronos looked at the owner.

"I'll take your very best--Mr. Ullman's discount."

At the mention of the political Boss's name, the owner and John quickly and nervously had a brand-new Zenith delivered free of any fee or payment to the house of Calvin Ixion.

Kronos turned the stupid thing on, and watched the news. Nothing of import. Then came the Twilight Zone- "To Serve Man". Kronos guffawed at the last line- "Its a cookbook! HA! ITS A BLOODY COOKBOOK!" From there on, his life was not his own. Slowly but surely, he was weaned off the game and into a vast wasteland.

1962

"Shut up Granny, you old hag! If Jethro wants to be a Double-Aught spy, who are you to frustrate him? Ooohh-She's getting the shotgun!"

1963

"Hello? Network? This is Calvin Ixion! Look, I don't care WHO got shot, just put 'The Fugitive' back on! Its a special Thanksgiving---hello?"

1964

"Ahh, Morticia! You me, and Lily in a threesome-things would start to happen, fast!"

1965

"Tony, Tony, Tony! Just have that blonde wonder blink Doctor Bellows and Roger Healey to hell, then find out just how tearaway those pajamas she's wearing really are!"

1966

"Prime Directive? How is anyone supposed to get anything done with that hanging over their heads?"

1967

"Bam! Pow! Slam! C'mon Old Chum! Kick Kato where it counts!"

1968

"JUST SHOVE DOCTOR SMITH OUT THE DAMNED AIRLOCK!"

1969

"Hello? Network? Yes, it is Mr. Ixion again. Listen, can't you fools count? Theirs was a five-year mission, and its only been three! Oops! Land Of The Giants is on. Gotta Go."

1970

"You tell her, Mr. Grant. I hate spunk, myself!"

1971

"Come now, Peter! Slit Buddy Hinton from ear-to-ear, then StepSister Jan will be yours! I like Jan. I like her better than Marsha. I mean, its always Marsha this, and Marsha that...."

1972

His reminiscences over, Kronos stared at the test pattern. It was 3 AM.

"I am a reaver, and a slayer. I do not need the odd comfort this box provides me. I will sleep now, and dream dreams of conquest, and savagery."

And dream he did. In his favorite dream, he climbed a water tower, gun in hand. The fools below would never know what hit them. To his shock and delight, there were four young women bathing in the water tower. But then, he recognized the nude nubiles.

"Bobbie Jo! Sammie Jo! What Are You and the others doing here?"

Unashamed, Sammie Jo stood up in the water.

"Why, Kronos. This is Petticoat Junction, after all! Now be a good boy and kill Uncle Joe for us, and we can talk."

Luckily, Uncle Joe was a-movin kind of slow, and was an easy target. Then, they all had their talk.

"Bobbie Jo---certainly can hold her breath under water, can't she?"

"Hmm-hmm. But now, it is Sammie Jo's turn--Horseman-RIDE!!!"

Kronos was wrapped up in the attention he was receiving, but looked worried.

"Is something wrong my love?"

"Well, yes. There was some addiction I was supposed to break. Something has rendered me a pathetic shell of a warrior, and...oohhh, that's it! More!"

Kronos noticed that all the love-making was occurring to the strains of the American National Anthem, but took no importance from it.

Elsewhere in the world, a sorceress saw that a talisman she had forged in the shape of a television set was glowing. It meant that she had one of them. At this, Cassandra smiled broadly.  
**Chapter 3 - A Reaver Lost And Found**

1978

"Dearest Teacher : Came To Visit You, but you weren't home. I grew quite upset. So sorry."

Cassandra had taken on two students around 550. One had been the Kabballic Sorcerer Siddig-Ben-Moshe, today known as Psychiatrist Sidney Freedman, retired Colonel, US Army. The other had been Roland Kantos. For his betrayal, she hated him almost more than she did the brutal but honest Methos. Sidney used the Voice to help people-Roland for destruction. But he hadn't needed the Voice to wreck her curiousity shop. Only one ruined item was of concern to her, though. It was forged in the shape of a TV.

Carefully, she had forged it, hoping to sap Methos' lifeforce the instant he purchased an Idiot Box. But when Tv was first active, Methos had been serving at the 8063rd MASH in South Korea. He spent several more years on the run from Renegade Watcher Colonel Sam Flagg and his cronies. This pursuit forced fellow Watcher Father Francis Mulcahy to bring Flagg up on charges, especially after Flagg's attempt on the life of Walter O'Reilly. So Methos' pursuers stopped-in 1962, fully a year after Kronos had purchased his Tv. Cassandra could not cast a Methos-specific spell in this instance, so she merely worked under the assumption that he would buy a Tv first. He did not, and so, for over 15 years, Kronos had been out of the Game, and growing weaker. She assumed that the talisman's destruction would free her intended recipient. She had underestimated both the potency of the item whose image she used, and the depths of that one's addiction.

Kronos' House

"You tell him, Richie! He IS such a Potsie!"

1979

"HOKEY-DOKE, ALEX!"

1980

"This is crap! Who shot him? WHO SHOT JR!?"

1981

"Arnold, if I were you, I'd take your brother Willis and take a pair of scissors to him, where it counts! Make him your sister Willina! Arrogant bastard! Never treats the little guy right!"

November, 1982

For 20 years, Kronos had ate, slept, and drank TV. He had become its slave, and it had a hold that might never be broken. He now even watched re-runs, in place of pursuing heads. His master's voice rang out :

"Hi, folks, I'm Michael Landon. Now, this very classic episode of Little House On The Prairie has a special extra. It's 'Doc Baker's Helper'. Now, the man who plays Doctor Adams in this episode, a great guy named Adam Pierson, is actually Doc Adams' descendant. Watch and enjoy! We'll have a little surprise afterward!"

"Unless it's Harriet's execution, Michael, I don't much care! Blazes, the woman reminds me of Cassandra!"

Then, Kronos saw. He started when he heard the name Melvin Koren. Then, when the man unmasked, he truly saw. His brother was alive-or was he? That day in Minnesota was fuzzy. Being burned alive never helped his memory. To his shock, Harriet Oleson almost was executed. Then came after-show comments.

"Hello, folks. I'm Adam Pierson. Starring as my-ahem-ancestor in this episode we filmed last year was truly a special event. And I hope it was special for you, sitting at home, watching!"

It was.

"MEEEEETTHHHHHOOOOOOSSSSS!!!!!!"

Kronos got up from his easy chair and smiled. His brother was alive! Together, they could be Reavers again! As if on cue, the 21-year old TV died, its picture tube spent. Kronos, the spell broken, picked up his sword and laughed.

"Oh, NO, my foe! You don't get off that easy! You owned me, and now you paaaayyyyy...eaeeaeeaauatatigtrrgghhhhhh!!!"

Kronos had unplugged the set, but didn't realize how much stored power a TV can have. So, as he drove his sword through it, he felt a massive surge. To him, though, it was like claiming back his own Quickening. He was joyful that he would now be free-but still, he would miss dreams of Petticoat Junction-those girls knew how to hold their breath, in that water tower-especially his Bobbie Jo.

There was a juice tavern in town, frequented by Immortals. It was on Holy Ground, and owned by a Church, so juice was all that could be served. But here, associations were made, and challenges laid down. Kronos walked in with his full swagger. He heard two men talking.

"So, this jerk spares me, saying he's taken better heads than mine, and how he's 5000..."

"5000? No---way! That would make him, ya know, The Oldest-Methos! I've heard tell of him, but, still..."

A pair of powerful hands slapped the two on their shoulders. They didn't know Kronos, but he had the look that intimidated easily.

"Gentlemen, I'll find two others to challenge tonight, in exchange for a favor."

"You-You Name It!"

"Anything!"

Kronos smiled. The Bastard Was Back.

"Tell Me All About----The Oldest."

THE END


	28. The Talk

**The Talk**  
by Rob Morris

(We see DM and Methos on a park bench, with Methos pondering a question)

Methos : You see, Macleod, things were once much different than they are now. The things you hold sacred were not the merest consideration as little as 500 years ago. Things you take for granted were held to be miracles. Foods you would consider rot were held to be delicacies. When we rode, there was a small desert revered so widely, even Kronos wouldn't cross it. There was knowledge lost, and ignorance gained. Nations vanished, and within a generation they were not even forgotten legends. Every star in the night sky held an amazing portent. Every day on every Calendar meant an Old One was slogging back from his pit, waiting for the hero who must needs triumph over it, only to be corrupted as the new host, but destroying the Old One in the process, as well. The world was once a great deal more brutal, but there was still room for gentleness and art. Leisure was not unheard of, though kings knew no hot tubs, only willing servants. Absolute power corrupted absolutely--unless you were wise. But at what price is such wisdom achieved? Knowledge itself is its own reward--as is survival. The world is nothing like what it seems, and yet it is also more itself than it is possible for you to know. But mere survival is never enough--and yet it remains the only thing worth having, in the last of it.

(Methos almost chuckles as DM gets up and starts to walk away)

Methos : What's the matter, Duncan? Don't care for the harsh truth of it all?"

DM : No, that isn't it.

Methos : Oh, really? Then why are you leaving, in such a huff?

DM : (Throws up his arms and yells)

Because I can't remember what my BLOODY QUESTION was!

(Leaves, shaking and mumbling; Methos sits there and gets a befuddled look)

Methos : You know----neither can I.


	29. The Quarrelsome Girl

**The Quarrelsome Girl**  
by Rob Morris

For ten score those Horsemen rode, through deserts vast and wide, sighting few sites and fewer souls still. They grinned to see this, yet their grins were more masks than their masks.

"For I am Pestilence, and think this dust bespeaks a moisture-eating plague! Oh, that we should reduce feeble men to this low measure."

"For I am War, and think this wind blows past all the things that I have ground up, in battles I have fought, and battles I have caused. Yes, the last battle has been fought, and are we not the victors."

"For I am Famine, and think that this is what the world will be, after every last son and daughter of Adam has passed into my nigh-infinite gullet!"

"For I am Death, and I am in every grain of sand that tears and bites, and in the wind that robs all water, and that I took away all the people in the cosmos proper, though they fought heartily."

Finally, though it would earn her another painful death, the slave-girl spoke from the back of Methos' horse.

"Well I say we've been wandering blindly for 200 years, and that we should stop and ask for directions!" 


	30. Three And Three

**Three and Three**  
by Rob Morris

SEACOUVER, DECEMBER 21ST, 2002

Awaiting Amanda to begin their vacation together, Duncan saw Methos, loft-sitting in hopes of a week away from merriment he had some choice words about. The Oldest was painting, and doing a pretty good job, so far as the Highlander could tell. Macleod's protege' Walter was away with the Pierces and Hunnicuts in Maine, so Methos would have all the time he wanted for his artistic endeavor.

"Is that light the Star Of Bethlehem?"

Methos didn't look up. He no longer painted very often, and looking away could easily break his rhythm.

"Yes. It was not as intense, as localized, nor as long-lasting as some say. But it did occur."

Since one of the Oldest's known lives had been spent taking on the identity of the fallen Joseph Of Nazareth, Macleod didn't question that.

"Strange to see you painting such a thing. Are those three riders who I think they are?"

"Depends on who you think they are, Macleod."

Duncan shrugged.

"The Three Wise Men?"

Methos smiled, and briefly did look away.

"Nope. These three came from the opposite direction, in more ways than one."

Duncan looked it over more carefully. The riders were not atop camels.

"Its them, isn't it? When they came searching for you."

Methos picked up a very fine brush, yet still resisted adding the scar to the eye of the lead rider, at least just yet.

"I have often wondered what their lives were like, at that point. I had my adoptive father, and then after him Miryam and Yeshua. But what did they have, except their quest for me? Did they know that the light they saw was to signal their own apocalypse?"

Macleod grabbed his overcoat, to be ready for Amanda when she arrived.

"That's a tough one. You could never have told me that my father and my village were about to banish me. Or about Tessa, Richie--you name it. I know Kronos wasn't stupid by any standard, Methos. But I would also hesitate to call him for being too self-aware, especially then. Caspian? He was more animal than man, as far as I'm concerned."

Methos nodded.

"Yes. But I think Silas might have seen it for what it was. Thick, to be sure. But once he had a basic concept in there, he had a lock on it. Yet he would have had no idea how to express this concept without badly upsetting Kronos. That was not in him."

In a few quick brush-strokes, Silas was given an upraised arm, indicating he knew something of the light they saw. Kronos was still shown as unyielding. Caspian's face was made to crease a bit, as though the sight were painful to him. Macleod nodded.

"Looks like you've got it."

Outside, a horn beeped, and Duncan made a hasty retreat out the door. Alone, Methos looked at pencil sketches of his next subject. His former brothers were conducting Herod's slaughter. That would be tougher, and Methos vowed to use few reds in this, wanting the horror to be evocative rather than explicit. His trilogy would end with their dispersal as the wicked little king again betrayed the Horsemen, ending their ride forever.

For then and there, though, he further cleaned up the first painting, looking for the little touches that would leave the identity of the riders unmistakable, even to those who knew them not at all. The last detail was tiny silhouettes on a distant dune, representing the three Macleod had first thought of.

"Three apiece. Good symmetry."

For a moment, he stared a little sadly at the three dark riders, seeing it the way that some saw pre-murder footage of President Kennedy rounding the corner in Dealey Plaza. Putting it aside to dry entirely, the Oldest went to snack on some egg nog and cookies. He raised a glass.

"To you three. Worlds fall, but memory endures."


	31. Silas And His Quarry

**Silas and His Quarry**  
by Rob Morris

PRINCIPALITY OF RUS, CIRCA 1075 AD

If the large man tried really hard, he could imagine that the rocks he was smashing at the bottom of his smooth-walled pit were human skulls, freshly taken. But trying that hard made Silas' head hurt, so he just saw them as rocks.

Each day, as always, was his guard, Ivan. Each day, as always, Silas taunted him.

"Ivan, one day, I will scale these walls, then kill you and all your family!!"

This made Ivan frown. Ivan frowning made Silas laugh heartily. Such was life in the special prison built just for the Immortal Brute.

Then, one day, after seventeen years had passed, a new guard appeared.

Silas failed to catch on at first.

"Ivan, One Day I Will Scale These Walls And Kill You And Your Entire Family!"

Three Hours Later, He Caught On.

"You Are Not Ivan! Where Is Ivan?"

The guard shrugged.

"Mongol Raiders have, I fear, killed Ivan and his entire family, just last night."

Roaring with rage, Silas slammed his hammer into the ground, and leaped up out of the pit using it as a fulcrum.

He ran past the stunned guard and straight through the countryside to the castle of Prince Rurik. Suffice it to say, he gained entry to the throne room. He shook his fists in the air.

"Rurik! I wish to serve in your army against the Golden Horde and its Khan!"

Prince Rurik was not a fool.

"Certainly, Prisoner Silas. But why now, when you have refused amnesty before, in exchange for service to my crown?"

Silas seemed stunned at the question.

"Why, I should think it would be obvious! After all, the Mongols killed Ivan--My Only Friend!" 


	32. Challenge Of The Immortal Friends

**Challenge of the Immortal Friends**  
by Rob Morris

Joe Dawson: Gathered together from remote corners of history are the most evil Immortals of all time-The Legion Of Khaos

(We see animated action shots of Kronos, Kurgan, Kalas, Kristin, Kern and Katana)

Their goal: To ensure that the Prize goes to a barbarian, so the world will always be as they knew it. But another group dares to challenge this dire threat: The Immortal Friends. (Marching forward are Connor, Duncan, Richie, Methos, Amanda and Cassandra) In the end, only one group can survive -- This Is The Challenge Of The Immortal Friends!

JD: In the fetid sewers of Paris, The Legion Of Khaos meets to perpetrate yet more evil on an unsuspecting world.

Kronos: I call this meeting to order, in the name of the truly strong, who know the world is theirs by right--The Legion Of Khaos! We have the awesome Kurgan, whose well-planned strikes have started two mortal World Wars.

(We see Kurgan smash a globe between his fists)

We have Kalas, whose voice is Destruction itself.

(Kalas stands before a model of Immortal League Headquarters, opens his mouth, and the model breaks apart from powerful shockwave screeching)

The lovely but deadly Kristin, whom no man can resist.

(Kristin entrances a bunch of life size mannequins of the Immortal Friends, who then decapitate one another)

Kern, the deadly tracker and hunter, a brute second to none.

(Kern casually smashes his desk, and throws a splinter through a portrait of Connor)

Katana, Alien Immortal and master of strange technology

(Using a flying harness, Katana burns the mannequins with his exhaust)

And the most deadly of all...I, Kronos, Master Of The Night! Now, Katana, you said you had a plan for defeating the Immortal Friends, once and for all.

Katana: True, Kronos. Simply put, we will lure the Immortal Friends to where they may not fight us--on Holy Ground!

Kristin: The air up there must be a bit thin, Katana! We can't fight there, either.

Kern: Perhaps I should hunt for Katana's lost brain!

Kronos: Silence! Katana's plan has allowances for that little problem.

Katana: Yes, Kronos. You see, adapting the marvelous technology of my flying harness, I have invented these floating boots for us all.

Kurgan: Positively brilliant, Katana. The restriction on Holy Ground hardly matters if we're all floating above it! But can we take the Immortal Friends' heads while there?

Kronos: I am for bold action, but to be safe, we'll merely capture them there, and take them off Holy Ground for the rest of it. Imagine it-the final destruction of The Immortal Friends, and they may not lift a finger to stop us!

Kalas: But where will we lure them to? What Holy Ground will we use?

Kronos: The very best-Father Darius' Monastery. Since Duncan Macleod is a student of Darius, he won't be able to stay away, for fear of what we might do.

Kern: Even though Father Darius' monastery is hidden, my tracking abilities will find in no time at all.

Kronos: All hail the Legion Of Khaos!

All: KHAOS!!!

JD: In Seacouver, at Immortal League Headquarters, The Immortal Friends are all present and accounted for.

Richie: Holy All Quiet On The Western Front, Duncan! There's been neither hide nor hair of the Legion Of Khaos in weeks.

Duncan: Maybe, old chum, The Legion has finally learned its lesson-that crime never pays.

Connor: Maybe they have, Duncan, but somehow, I don't think so. They're always up to something, and its never anything good!

Amanda: I'll keep the Raven-Jet warmed up, just in case. I may have been a jewel thief, once, but the Legion Of Khaos wants to steal the whole world, and we just can't allow them to succeed.

Methos: Even worse, I was once a member of The Legion. (Punches table) That Kronos! If only I knew what he was up to.

Cassandra: You were under an evil spell, Methos. Just as the world is under a curse til we can bring The Legion down.

JD: Just then, the QuickAlert Buzzes, and Father Darius, teacher of Duncan and ally to The Immortal Friends, appears on their large monitor.

Darius: Immortal Friends! I ask that you come to my hidden Monastery quickly. The Legion Of Khaos is here, requesting a meeting with you. While they are as bound as anyone else by Holy Ground, I do not trust them in the slightest.

(Screen goes blank)

Duncan: Darius! We have to help him, Connor.

Richie: Holy Holy Ground, Mac! Even the Legion can't do anything there!

Methos: Don't kid yourself, Boy Wonder! If anyone can figure a way around the 1st rule, its Kronos.

Amanda: I suggest we take the Raven out to the general vicinity, then approach on foot. We might be able to figure out what they're doing if we watch them first.

Cassandra: But remember, Kronos is mine! It was he who cast my village into a dimension of no return. But someday, I will find them.

Connor: All right, Immortal Friends, move out, and watch your heads!

JD: So the Immortal Friends headed out in Amanda's awesome Jet, The Raven, little knowing the treachery that awaited them at Father Darius' Monastery.

Darius: All are welcome here, Kronos, even the Legion Of Khaos. But remember this is Holy Ground.

Kronos: Why, Father, you insult me. So long as our feet touch Holy Ground, we won't lift a finger against you or The Immortal Friends, if they are brave enough to show up.

Connor: When it comes to evil, Kronos, The Immortal Friends have courage to spare. Now, talk!

Kronos: Why talk, Macleod? I'm more a man of action. Katana, now!

Katana: Floaters On!

(All six Members of The Legion now float a foot off of Holy Ground)

Kurgan: (Goes around Richie at a very fast clip, wind knocks him down) Care for a spin, Boy Wonder?

Kern: (Grabs the mission bell, throws it at Duncan, whom it barely misses) Ask not for whom the bell tolls, Macleod!

Kristin: (We see a projection of her face aimed at Methos) Time you came back where you belong, Methos!

Methos: I'm resistant to your charms, Kristin! I'll never join The Legion again.

Kristin: Perhaps, but those monks behind you are quite taken with me! (The monks grab Methos, who may not fight back)

Methos: Tricky of you, you vain harpy. But I've been slipping in and out of traps for 5000 years (Ditches the entranced monks, who still follow him) Got to lose them--ahh, there! (Methos opens the animals barn, burying the monks in harmless hay)

Katana: (Grabs Amanda, and pulls her into the air) You can't even fight back, for we are not on Holy Ground.

Amanda: Gee, Katana, while I'm in the air, neither am I !(She kicks him where....you know) aaaaaarrhhhh!

(Amanda is assaulted by sonic shock waves as she falls)

Kalas: What's the matter, girl? Do you find my libretto wanting? Haahahnoooooooooooooo!!! (On the ground, Duncan has dragged the mission bell over near where Amanda has fallen; Its chamber reflects Kalas' deadly voice back at him)

Duncan: Sorry, Kalas, but this musical has had lots of bad reviews!

Amanda: Thanks, DM!

Duncan: What are Immortal Friends' for?

Kronos:(Zooms in and punches Connor, sending him flying) Give it up, Macleod! We can keep this up, and you can't. Our victory is inevitable, thanks to Katana's device.

Connor: Kronos, you talk too much!

(Connor throws a dagger which pierces Katana's control device. All the Legion members hit the ground. Kronos is stunned, but not done.)

Kronos: Get them! They still can't fight us here, and we have hostages!

Kristin: The monks are under my control, Cassandra, and even your Voice can't break them free!

Cassandra: It can't affect them, Kristin, but it can affect you. 'KRISTIN, YOUR LOOKS HAVE FADED. YOU ARE A CRONE. YOUR IMMORTALITY IS GONE'.

Kristin: NO, Its not true (The monks snap out of it, and grab her) Blast! When I doubt my own beauty, my power fades.

Kurgan: Come here, Amanda! I want to give you a final bear-hug!

Kern: Well, Richie, I think I'll put you under six feet of Holy Ground.

(The two large kimmies don't see their would be prey jump out of harm's way, and so collide with one another, falling on each other in a broken heap.)

Richie: Holy Slash, Amanda! We did it!

Amanda: Normally, I'd say the bigger they are...but that would be giving those two the benefit of the doubt.

Katana: (Comes flying at Methos) You're History, Oldest!

Methos (We see he set up a dummy for Katana to crash into) Yes, I Am!

(Inside, we see Kalas throwing violins, trumpets, etc, at Duncan)

Kalas: Time for some true music appreciation!

Duncan (Throws a tuba, which lands over Kalas, covering his top half) Why, Kalas, I didn't know you were into instruments!

(Outside, Connor sees a storm beginning, and gets an idea)

Connor: Here, catch, Kronos!

(Throws him a sword)

Kronos: You fool! We can't use this here.

Connor: (Smiling) I know.

(A bolt of lightning comes down, drawn to the sword like a rod, badly shocking Kronos, who yet manages to hit a switch; The Legion all teleport out)

Richie: They got away again!

Methos: But we also beat them again.

Cassandra: As we always will.

Duncan: Evil never learns, does it?

Amanda: Nah, if they learned, they'd be like us, and I don't see that happening.

Connor: But we'll be there wherever The Legion Of Khaos rears its head, and one day we will destroy them.

Darius: Thank You all. From now on, perhaps we will ask who's at the door, first. Some guests can be quite rude. But not all guests, thankfully.

JD: So, the Legion Of Khaos learned once again, while you can float above the law sometimes, eventually you'll be brought back down to Earth--by the Immortal Friends!


End file.
